ObesityHelp

OK...   My food addiction, and specifically my carb addictions are out of control.    I have been in denial, foolishly believing that the WLS would put a ceiling on my weight, and refusing to weigh.   I can't stop grazing.   And I can't stop eating at meals until I am so full I am sick.   At least once a day, and often twice I have to sleep off a drop in blood sugar caused by dumping caused by overeating.    And yet I still do it....   Why???   

Maybe I want to believe I am "Normal" and can enjoy cleaning my plate?    Maybe there are stresses and holes in my self-esteem that I am trying to fill with food?    I don't know, but I do know that if the definition of insanity is to repeat the same behaviors expecing different results, then I am INSANE.

I believe it is truly an addiction.   I start eating to enjoy the taste, then I am not able to stop.   I find my self eating automatically, without even realizing it.   I constantly think about food.   My drug of choice is Ritz crackers, but I can easily substitute bread or sweets for that.   If I open a sleeve of crackers, the whole thing is gone in minutes. 

Truth met me this morning.   I got up the courage to step on the scales and realized that I have gained another 10 lbs over the last 3 months.   Granted, it has been a tough 3 months.    I have been actually confronting and dealing with my co-dependency for the first time.   But, what in the world makes me thing that gaining 10 lbs, and living in a coma, is going to help?    Actually, I think truth began to catch up with me when I drove home from my daughters the other evening (about 60 miles), after dinner, and was so sleepy, I dozed and swerved on the highway 3 times.

Sorry to have stayed away.   Obviously it was not about you all--it was about me.   I thought I was moving on.   In many ways, I have.   But in other ways, I am cycling back and starting over. 

I want my life back.   As of yesterday, I shut down the grazing.   Dan has also gained 10 lbs.   We are making efforts to eat healthier meals (lower carb/ smaller portions).    I am STARVING (at least emotionally).   Trying to stuff cheese in my mouth when I am about to cave in.

I'm planning 4 weeks in Brazil again in June.   Last time we were so busy that we did not have time to eat much.   This time my travel partner is a chocoholic--I'm sure that will bring more temptation.    But I have to accept responsibility for my choices.   I know I have done this well in the past, I just am not finding the inner strength to make an unemotional commitment at this point.    Frankly I am angry at having to.

So there....   I said it.    I know that you, my friends, can understand better than anyone in this world!

Thanks for sticking around when I bailed!

Joy