Please share your humbling pre-DS moments (LONG)

Nicolle
on 12/8/07 11:12 pm

While I drift off to sleep each night, I think about having the DS. Is it the right thing to do? Can I live the post-surgery life well? Will I wake up from the surgery? Will my disabled husband be able to take care of my kids by himself if I die? You know the drill. You've been there. I'm done with that crap now.  On Friday, my five-year old son's class had a Chanukah party. As a room parent, I was the hostess with the mostess. Decorated, got the bagels, cream cheese and other stuff. Lead the group in prayer (I am a Catholic, but I digress). Did the goodie bags, took pictures of all the kids and their folks. Checked in with all the guests with good spirits and cheer. All while also caring for my very mobile 20-month old boy. You get the picture--I was busy but very happy. The kids were circling up with their teachers to do a cute, little skit they had learned for us and I had my toddler on my lap, waiting.  One boy, who is buddies with my boy, leans over with a smile and says something unintelligible to me. I smile and say "what, honey?" He says it again, but louder and I still can't hear him because of the classroom noise. The next time he says it, it is clear as a bell and I am mortified: You are REALLY big! I blink back the tears and say "maybe you should tell your mom that you think that, honey." In a few minutes the children start asking their parents to get up and dance in a circle with them and I do it because I like to dance and my son is so happy to dance with me. Some day he will not want to dance with me in front of his friends. Most parents do not join the circle, but I do because I think it matters. I do cringe inwardly as I see some mom videotaping it. I make a note to ambush her in the lot and steal the camera.  When I am saying goodbye to each family, I tell the boy's mother what he said and mention that I am glad he said it to me, instead of someone else, so that she can tell him that it is inappropriate for the future. She looked a little confused (language barrier situation) but I think she got it. Fat is fat across the world, I guess. I have always worried that my kids would suffer because of my obesity. I have worked hard to have two healthy-weight kids who view food as fuel. I hide my bingeing from them. I model good eating behavior in front of them--food in moderation, exercise (I work out 3-4 times a week and take them with me to the health club lots). I'm not sure the charade has been working, but so far so good. I hoped to get my weight in control before the elder one entered elementary school, where kids are more vocal and freer to say rotten things on accident or on purpose. I know if it's not my weight, it will be something else, but I feel strongly that I don't want it to be my weight! The clock is ticking. He starts kindergarten in the fall. So, now when I lay in bed, I will try and remember this painful story and the only question I will try and ask myself :"WHEN can I get my DS already?" I've had my share of humiliating fatass stories before--an India visit where gaunt villagers rubbed me and took photos of ME in front of Taj Mahal, waiting 2 hours in line for a rollercoaster I could not fit in, you name it--but this one hurt bad. And it's hurting my kids, the two people who means the very most to me. I know I needed this negative experience. I just move forward with my life and don't think about my weight as an obstacle very much. Now it is  an obstacle for my kids they shouldn't have to have.  So, do any of you have any "final straw that broke the camel's back" stories you'd be willing to share? I feel the need to commiserate. Thanks!

I had the kick-butt duodenal switch (DS)!

HW: 344 lbs      CW: 150 lbs

Type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea GONE!

Renee2007
on 12/8/07 11:37 pm - Central, FL
I can't say that I have had a particular "moment" that has spurred me on, but I have to say that I can't stand the person that I have become. I didn't grow up overweight. It wasn't until my mid 20's after childbirth that things began to get out of hand. I was a very athletic child and teenager and on into college. I participated in every sport I could join. I was such a tomboy. I had tons of friends and was extremely outgoing. People seemed to enjoy having me as their friend. I was active in clubs, cheerleading, etc. My life was a very busy one full of people and activities. Fast forward 25 years and I am such a different person. My weight has changed my personlaity so much. Class reunions are a difinite NO. If i see people I went to school with out and about I make every effort to avoid them. I don't want to be seen by anyone who knew me in my "skinnier" life. At one point in time I even avoided family get togethers because I was so uncomfortable with how I looked. I always felt like people felt sorry for me. I also feel like I am discounted as a person being able to input my intelligence where appropriate. It's as if the "fat" people don't count. These are just my experiences and I know a lot of it is probably self-inflicted, but it has really changed the person that I want and used to be. I've decided that by having the surgery and gaining some control over my weight will help me to not only get my health back some self confidence as well.

Renee
 My DS   
SW/263  CW/136 GW/150



hayley_hayley
on 12/9/07 12:08 am
I have had a few moments, most painful being from family members.  I looked at my before pictures last night (ones taking by my doctor) and i cant believe i ever looked like that. At the time i didnt feel like i looked like that. Maybe i didnt see the way i really looked before the DS as a way to deal (coping mechanism) with the depressing reality.   When you get your DS all those moments will feel like a dream...it is hard for me to say yeah i looked like that 9 months ago (its like it never happened). Weird....

Minus 202 pounds; Height=5'10.5; Plastic Surgery = arms; Pant: 24 to 4/6; Top 3x to sm/med, I My DS! .

Nicolle
on 12/9/07 12:38 am
I know what you mean about "can't believe you ever looked like that." I move around in my world full of friends, family and life and seldom think about my weight as it really is. I know I'm fat, but since I can still move, get work done, enjoy things, I forget how truly huge I am. I seldom think things happen to or around me BECAUSE I'm fat. I don't see insult/discrimination where there probably is some, I don't think I'm not worthy of anything in life because of my weight. I seem to have self-esteem to spare. (Maybe it's because I have "food courage," just like alcoholics can have "liquid courage" after they have a drink.) Once in a while, I catch my reflection in a store's window or something and am shocked at that great, fat person. I feel sorry for her that she has to wear stretchy pants and baggy shirts most of the time. Then I say "holy smokes--she's me" and I try to forget it. When I get home or swing into a fast food joint, I eat to forget her. I know the DS is going to throw in a huge wrinkle in my "forgetful cycle," but I need to do it and work through the head stuff as I go. I will have the support of a shrink as I go, so we'll explore all this together. Thanks for the response so far--you guys are brave for sharing these thoughts and experiences. Nicolle  

I had the kick-butt duodenal switch (DS)!

HW: 344 lbs      CW: 150 lbs

Type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea GONE!

hayley_hayley
on 12/9/07 12:46 am
that's exactly how i was...i would see myself in a reflection from some window or car and it would shock me.  but it was temporary and the veil over my eyes would return.   its good to see a shrink...kudos to you.  its amazing how perceptions change as you lose weight...you'll see what i mean.

Minus 202 pounds; Height=5'10.5; Plastic Surgery = arms; Pant: 24 to 4/6; Top 3x to sm/med, I My DS! .

zappre
on 12/9/07 12:11 am
Unfortunately for me, there was never a straw.  Obese was my 'normal', so as miserable as I was, my entire life, it was all I knew so it was tolerable, except when it wasn't, like when it was so demoralizing that it made me depressed and sometimes suicidal.  If looking for a straw, I guess I can say that this past spring, when depression again overtook me and an old bottle of Percocet looked like a plausible out.  Working in the mental health field, I was lucky enough to have people around me to help see that I needed help and I got it.  It was at that point that I decided it could no longer go on that way - that something fundamental had to change.  Hence, WLS deliberations. In hindsight, I'm seeing what my weight has done to me, since childhood.  To the other kids, I was the 'one-legged hippo', to my pediatrician I was an 8 year old who should go on a diet, to my mother, obese herself, I was her co-dieter and spa-attender.  In my mind, the only friend that kept me company without making me feel like a freak was TV so I planted myself in front of it, with food in tow, and spent most of my childhood and adulthood right there with my friend, foregoing the human version.  Being fat has been a reason not to live a life.  In a nutshell:  I simply cannot be seen this way.  Since I'm always this way, I must avoid being seen - period.  Hard to accomplish anything in life while hiding.  What will people say - probably nothing.  What will they think?  I was convinced they'd wonder what I've done to myself - how I could live that way.  Odds are, they were thinking of anything but, however, what my brain believed to be true was, for me, true.  So I hid.  in the end, I judged myself unworthy of respect or love because I was weak - unable to corrall this monster.  It owned me and what kind of person lets that happen but a weak person?!  What a way to live - or not live as the case may be. So unfortunately, it took one long 25 or so year straw to break my camel's back.  I had to fear death by suicide - again.  That was cumulative.  It never ceases to amaze me what a person can come to tolerate as 'normal'.  We stick in bad relationships for fear of what may or may not come in it's stead.  We fear leaving miserable jobs for the same reason.  So we stick in the 'normal' that will eventually kill us. Personally, I mourn for what could have been.  Whatever talent I do have has been mostly squandered in my obsessive effort towards isolation and not being seen.  But regret will kill you faster than anything else and I had surgery to live, not die.  Whatever has happened has led to this point and life awaits, sans a motive to hide.   Surgery's not everyone's solution.  For those of us who determined we had no other option, the potential reward is mind-blowing.  Put simply, the reward is life.  I can't wait.

            HW-373 / SW-352 / CW-160 / GW-185                     

LadyDi9080
on 12/9/07 10:19 am - Tallahassee, FL
Well said!  Dianne from FL

SW / GW / CW  5'10"
306 / 165 / 140
With the DS: there is no stoma, so no stoma strictures; there are no limitations (other than volume) against drinking before, during or after meals; 80% of ingested fat is malabsorbed; 98.9% of type II diabetics are CURED of this devastating disease, with data showing stable cure over 10 years out; there is the best average weight loss and most durable (average 76% excess weight loss going out 10 years) of all of the bariatric surgeries.  That's why I had a DS!

happy_days
on 12/9/07 12:55 am - Sunny, KY
What a great thread topic! I am sorry about what happened to you the other day.  :( I used to work as a classroom teacher, so I had gotten several comments about "being pregnant" from little kids.  I worked at an alternative education center, so the worst would be when they were having a huge melt down and would repeatedly call me a "fat *****" or something like that.  I think the thing that sticks out the most in my life is when we had gone out to a family dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  Everyone had gotten up and started to walk out.  My dad was waiting for me, and I was really have a noticably hard time getting out of the booth.  My eyes met his, and he didn't know what to say.  I was so embarrassed.   I can relate to what Hayley was saying too.  Here is a like to my immediate post-op picture, and a picture of me taken last month.  I truly cannot believe I was that huge.   http://changeisgood2.blogspot.com/2007/12/wowimmediate-post- op-picture-comparison.html Thanks for this thread. Tiffany
Diets don't work, the DS DOES!
393.6/139/135

Beam me up Scottie
on 12/9/07 1:13 am
I HAD SO MANY....i was about 500 lbs at my heaviest.....It could have been the time I broke a chair at a family gathering........or when I went on vacation with my family to Bush gardens and I was completely miserable....and made them miserable as well.......or the fact that I couldn't go to the movies and sit with my family because the seats weren't large enough.......again there were just so many. FORTUNATELY, I was really menacing looking...so that kept people from mocking me.... Scott
AttyDallas
on 12/9/07 7:16 am, edited 12/9/07 7:18 am - Garland, TX
  wow, Scott ..  you just gave me a mini-ephiphany ..  I didn't think about it until now, but the last time I was at a movie theatre was to see Jurassic Park (the original), back when I first moved down here to Texas  --  what year did that come out - '92?  '93?    I haven't been since then b/c I figured I probably couldn't fit in the seats ..           Think I should give it a try now?    &:-D)
attydallas_dblcentury.jpg picture by cmirving 
  
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