Last night my partner of almost nine years tells me he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

OK, so I am reeling.  I am not completely surprised.  I have known there were some things "off" in our relationship for a while but whenever I tried to talk about it to him, he assured me nothing was wrong.  He assured me of that last night.  And then, a short time later, admitted that there actually was something wrong.

On top of everything else, I am angry because now he is saying he has felt this way for a long time but didn't want to tell me.  He wanted to make himself feel differently.  He was afraid to speak the truth.  Whatever.  the bottom line is, he lied to me.  He told me he felt things he didn't feel.  Unless he's lying now.  How am I supposed to know what to believe?

He knows that I have major trust issues.  So he knows that lying to me is about the worst thing anyone could possibly do.

Now he's saying he still loves me, just doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship with me, wants to be friends still, blah blah.  He says he doesn't want me to move out right now.  I don't know if he's telling me the truth about that or not.  How am I supposed to know when he's lying?  I don't want to move out right now, not right away, if for no other reason because I don't have the money to move.  But I don't want to be here if he doesn't want me to be here.  And I don't know how to tell if he really wants me to stay or if he really wants me to leave.

He said something last night about feeling like he'd become more like a "caretaker" for me.  And I understand that.  The last 18 months have been really bad for me.  Between my severe depression and my severe back pain, I've needed a lot of help with things.  And I don't have any family or friends anywhere near me now.  So he's had to do a lot.  And he's never complained about it.

But I don't want him to feel like my caretaker.  So I need to be a lot more independent, somehow.  I have this appointment tomorrow for the radiofrequency neurotomy procedure for my back.  He arranged to take the day off work to take me because I cannot drive myself home afterward.  I told him I would reschedule that appointment and make arrangements for someone else to take me.  I have no idea who.  He just started a new job and if there was someone else to take me, I would not have asked him to take the day off work.  But I'm sure I can work out something.  Some how.

He told me he didn't want me to reschedule it.  That he wants to take me.  He wants to help me.  Kept saying he wanted to take me to the appointment.  I don't know if I believe him.  I don't know if I should reschedule it.  Or if I should take his word for it that he wants to take me.  Any advice about that?  If I'm going to cancel, I have to call first thing in the morning.  If I don't give 24 hours notice, I will be charged something for the missed appointment.

Um... any other advice?  I don't even know what else I want to ask advice about.  My head feels like it's going to explode.

Wow, Kelly. I'm sorry. ((HUGS))

I would definitely not reschedule and I would have him take you to your appointment. He is still your partner and is still willing to take you and he has a bit of responsibitly to you and his commitment to taking you to the appointment. These kinds of appointments (and the relief it can provide from your pain) do not come around all the time. You need to follow through with it and so does he.

Regarding the big picture... I am not sure if I have any advice or insight into that. I will say that I don't think "lying" is necessarloy where he was going when he said it was ok but it was not. I imagine HE is struggling with how he is feelingabout YOUR struggling. It sounds like you realize that your depression and physical ailments are taking their toll  on him as well as you. And thatis understandable. Men are often just really bad a figuring out WHAT they are feeling, WHY they are feeling it, HOW to discuss it and WHAT to do about it. It sounds like he was not sure what he was feeling and was honestly trying NOT to feel it. And, to be honest, if he doesn't want you to go right now, this may simply be HIS way of reaching out for change in the hopes that you two can solve it. I don't know either of you well (him not at all) so I could be WAY off. But perhaps some of this applies somewhere or may help you sort what has just happened and how you feel about it.

I know you are hurting. I'm sorry. ((more hugs))

 I am so sorry. This is tough. Go with him to your appmt, he owes you that courtesy as he could have waited until after to talk to you about this, selfish man. You have a right to be upset and angry, it's intensely painful, but keep calm, think out the strategy that makes the most sense for you.  You are a brave, intelligent person, I wish I had some inspirational advise for you like you have often had for me and others, but I don't all I can give is a cyber hug and prayers to you.

Man, that sucks.  I would take him at his word, although his word undoubtedly isn't very reliable, and let him take you to your appointment.  Given his history I would make it clear that since he is known for saying things he doesn't mean you are forced to take him at face value and believe what he tells you so if he really doesn't want to do something he better not say he does.  After nine years he does have some responsibility towards you and making sure you are alright, if not legally certainly morally.  
Is there anyway you can relocate somewhere where you have more support, maybe closer to your family?  I don't know what your relationship is with your family but it would be nice if they could be there for you during this time.  Of course those things aren't always possible but if you have close friends perhaps where you grew up that you could move closer to that may give you the support you are going to need during this trying time.
This is why I haven't wanted to get married again or even live with another man for a long time.  As hard as it is being on my own it would be worse to depend on someone who isn't dependable.  My boyfriend is the best guy in the world and truly the only person I could ever trust to be there for me and I would never want to be dependent on  him.  As much as it would break my heart if he ever wanted to break up with me at least it wouldn't change my life any.  I would still live in the same place and I wouldn't have to make any major changes in my life.  I have had to rebuild my life too many times because of relationships and I am too damn old to go through that again.  I have rebuilt my life for the last time, God willing.  I don't know if my boyfriend would do very well living with my issues on a full time basis and I'm not sure I could live with his, either, but on a part time basis we do fine.  Less then a year and I will no longer be the parent of a minor child.  It's taken 30 years to say that.  It'll be just me and the animals and unless they learn how to talk I should have a peaceful life.

Relocated to be near my family is certainly a possibility, and a likely one.  It just won't happen immediately.  Financially it's not feasible right now.  I'm not sure how it would be for at least a couple of months.

I understand what you mean.  I do not want to rebuild my life again, either.

Kelly,

I am soo soo sorry. I don't have any relationship advice.  But I think you should let him take you to your appointment.  I think he's already decided he'd do it in his mind. For him it might be a closure thing..Again I am sorry and wish I could offer you more.  You will be in my thoughts.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I had a similar experience in January of this year.  It tore me apart.  I went to counselling, I joined Al-Anon, I read some books.  I dated other men and never told my boyfriend about that.  I spent hours on the phone with my girlfriends crying and analyzing every word he said and every action that he took. I cried and argued with him.  He accused me of smothering him.  I learned a lot about myself.

Our relationship survived but on a totally different level.  Thankfully I have my own home and he has his and we were not living together. I can tell you this.  Men want to see their woman as happy, smiling and having fun.  They want to be little boys at play.  This grownup stuff is not what they want.

Recently we were watching a TV show and there was a comedian talking about how men treat a relationship like a car and women treat a relationship like a garden.   Men buy a car or start a relationship and then believe it should not need any attention for at least five years.  Women treat a relationship like a garden, always wanting to improve things, change things, make things better by constant work and attention.  Men would rather trade up than work on the relationship.

I told him that I wish I could just trade in my body for one that is not so apt to break down.  I completely broke up twice and both times went back.  I stopped revolving my life around him.  I now accept him for what he is.  I decided that I am not going to change what he has been all of his life.   I accept the time that we spend together.  He steps up to the plate when he has to, but he does not like being in the role of a caregiver.  I no longer work on the relationship. 

We met at a time when we both needed to have someone in our lives and we were both strong and healthy.  During the last year, we both have had health issues.  That takes a real toll on the relationship.  He tells me things will get better and he does not want me to find another boyfriend.  I want him, but no longer need him.  It is sad, but liberating to me.

Some books that helped me are: 

He's Not That Into You
Codependant No More
The Five Love Languages
Women Who Love Too Much
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

I believe that these things happen for a reason.  In my case I took off the blinders that made believe that everything was great.  Now I know that there are problems and that it is up to me how I deal with them and how much they affect my life.

 This sounds very realistic and a rational perspective for a non-traditional (outside of marriage) relationship.  The comparison of men and their cars and women and their gardens is very accurate.  The necessity of having to care for someone would be a terrible strain if you aren't ready for a marriage committment.  It really is indicative of how deep your love is.  It is best to face this honestly as you seem to have done.

Gosh Kelly...I'm so sorry...that's so hard to hear especially when you're having physical and emotional issues. Even though you don't want to, let him help you with your appointment today. Feeling better is important and this may help. I agree with the other posts about him not intentionally or actually lying. Sometimes it takes time to figure out what we feel and it can be confusing. I don't think that he was being malicious, just human and unsure of his feelings since he cares for you. That said, I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know there isn't much to say when your heart is breaking. Just know that there are lots of people who will be thinking about you and sending you positive and supportive thoughts. Big virtual (((hug))). We may not be with you in real time but we're here if you need a shoulder. I hope the morning and your appointment bring some relief to you. Take care.

I am so very sorry you are going through this Kelly. Sometimes Men suck and don't realize how important it is to us for them to just be upfront and honest and not hide things. I also agree, let him take you to this appointment. It is a very important one for you and would be beneficial to your health in the long run.

In Marriage that is where the "For Better and For Worse" comes in. Sometimes our partners become our caregivers and sometimes we are theirs. His love is conditional is all I can think of at this time and you so deserve much more than that.

Is there a spare room you can move into while you sort out your thoughts and feelings?  Financially that may be best as you consider all your options and still have conversations with him on the issues.

I'm understand about not having family close by as I do not have any either.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope things work out the best possible way for you.

There's a spare room.  I'm not sharing a room with him right now.

"XY" time:

He is telling himself e's letting you down easy by still taking you to the appointment.  He's feeling bad for dropping the bomb. 

Hi Kelly,

I don't really have any advice, well maybe I do, but even more importantly, I just wanted to send you a huge, warm, sloppy, teary, hug.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I don't think you need to necessarily see it as an ending but rather a beginning.

I'm not sure your partner is, or has been lying.  I'm thinking his emotions are likely not even solidified in his own mind.

If he is feeling like he's in a caretaker role, than chances are he may be feeling a little burned out, like most caregivers do from time to time.

I think you are wise to not quickly move out, but I would suggest that you possibly evaluate and analyze  the situation to see if there are places where you might be able to take the pressure off of him.

If you want to work this out with him, I would not harp on the lying and trust issue stuff because this is not going to strengthen your position. 

If he feels that he has become your caretaker, than it's time for you to do as much as you can for yourself.  Gain as much independence as you can back.  Show him that you are in this relationship because you love him rather than need him.

Once the pressure is off him, he may begin to see you back in the light that drew him to you in the beginning.  Either way, you have got to begin learning how to care for yourself because, in the event he is serious, you've got to be ready to move on to the next phase of your life.

Seriously, I don't see this as terminal, but more so a wake-up call that he's needing some relief from the pressure cooker he apparently feels he's in.

I so hope this turns around for you...

And, don't cancel that appointment.  You need this, whether you eventually go or stay.

I don't want to work things out.  I'm sorry I don't think they can work out, but I would never be able to trust him.  I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that wouldn't be there if things got bad again.  Good grief, we are all going to get old one day, right?  None of us are going to be in good health forever.  Yes, I developed some serious health problems at a young age.  But if we tried to work it out and stayed together, I would forever be worried about being too needy one day.

You are not going to like this response but I will say it anyway.... I think you are being unreasonable.  You are Assuming he is lying to you.... and you already said you have trust issues and he knows that....

Perhaps that is why he took so long to tell you, because he knew you would react poorly. 

Yes everyone gets old and we all need help from time to time.  But he HAS been there for you through tough times.  Just as I have been there for my husband through MANY tough times... I needed to call it quits once and have considered it before many times not because I don't want to "help" him but because I don't see him helpling himself.... My cut off point is when I have done all I can and its not good enough or that I see him not trying to help himself.

NO ONE would begrudge someone help if they can not help themselves at all... but if you become reliant on that person to do things for you that you really COULD do on your own they will start to feel used, under appreciated, and worn out.

You need to recognize that your trust issues are YOUR issues and not his, and in my opinion to project that problem on to him "I would never be able to trust him" ....isn't fair to him or the time, energy, effort, that he has invested in you (happy, sad, angry, scared, hurt, good, bad etc) for the last 9 years.

If Rob ever said to me after I tell him I can't do this anymore that he couldn't Trust me anymore ... I would walk out and never look back...that is a huge slap in the face for someone who has invested EVERYTHING into a relationship for so long. 

If he cheated on your, abused you in anyway, spread rumors, talked about you behind your back, hid major things from you ...THEN you would have a right to not trust him.... because his feelings have changed for you doesn't give you the right to not trust him.

I think I have the "right" to trust or not trust anyone I choose to trust of not trust.

Yes, he has been there for me through many tough times.  And I have been there for hin through many tough times.

Are you assuming I am not doing what I can to help myself?  Because I don't think that's correct and I don't think you know me well enough to know what I am or am not doing to help myself.  I have not used him.  I do appreciate him.  I do  not rely on him to do things that I could do on my own.

According to him, his feelings for me changed quite some time ago and he hid that from me until yesterday.  I think that is hiding "major things" from me.

If he decides that, when things get hard, he can't do this anymore, then I can't count on him to be here during the bad times, only during the good times.  I don't want a relationship with someone that will only be around in the good times.

no I never assumed that you are not doing things to help yourself...not at all I was telling you how it is for ME... I said that MY breaking point is when I feel that my husband isn't doing things to help himself... I was attempting to give you some insight from the "caretakers" point of view. 

Yes you have the right to trust or not trust... what I was again attempting to say there is that if you don't feel you can trust him simply becasue his feelings have changed that is unfortunate.  I get that you see him "keeping" his feelings about how he feels about you, from you for a long time as a breech in trust... I think perhaps he needed time to mull over those feelings for a while, to understand them himself.

You asked for relationship advice but it seems you have already made up your mind...your relationship is not salvageable, he doesn't deserve your trust. 

I am not saying you don't have the right to be pissed, hurt, upset!  You are a great person who is caring, helpful, insightful and are the first person to respond when anyone needs help, advice, a kick in the ass.... I don't take anything at all away from you... I hope you realize I am not trying to anger you.  Just to provide that insight from the "other" side. 

I don't know you or him other then what you choose to share here and what I got from it was that his feelings have changed, he feels like a caretaker, hes not in love with you and you refuse to attempt to work on your relationship with him because you can't trust him anymore.  Seemed a little harsh to me.  Only because I would hope in MY relationship that MY  husband would see this as an oportunity to make things better.  I would at least want the attempt.

but that is me and perhaps he doesn't want you to make things better, I dont know him.

Ah.  I think I was not very clear in my original post. 

I was asking for advice about whether I should have him take me to my appointment tomorrow or if I should postpone the appointment until I can make other arrangements.  I was looking for advice on... I guess, on how to put my life together now.  On my own.

He says he doesn't want to work on the relationship.  He doesn't want to try to make it better.  Perhaps you would attempt to work on it even if your husband said he didn't want to.  For me, that seems like an exercise in futility.  I have made up my mind that I am not going to try to convince him to stay with me when he says he's not in love with me and doesn't want to be with me like that.

ahhhh ok... Sorry I obviously way misunderstood... in that case YES take him up on having him take you to your appointment!...

I didn't realize he doesn't want to work on things in that case you are right not to work on it.  I was under the impression that YOU were saying you were unwilling to work on it because you couldn't trust him...if he doesn't have any intention of working things out then you shouldn't waste your time....

((Hugs)) I can relate to what you are talking about - I been there twice.. once my DH and a second time BF - maybe he did all he could for himself - but I felt that his illness was his excuse not to do any more than he actually had to.  And since the relationship was "young" I felt that I could not invest my live and love in someone who expected me to take care of them... when he was not willing to do things for me or himself (things that I felt he could)