Can't get excited-- is this weird??

I'm getting close to making surgery a reality, since my paperwork will be going to the insurance company early next week. I've done my homework, I've got a plan of attack for after surgery and far beyond, and I feel in control of things. I feel like I should be excited and looking forward to this great new opportunity, a positive change in my life, being able to look better... but I'm not. I just feel sort of numb about it all.

I'm doing the surgery first and foremost for my health. I want to get off my CPAP and blood pressure medication, and lower my overall health risk. That seems important and obvious to me. But I don't want to let myself believe that I'm going to LOOK any different, or that there will be any changes that will make me say, "wow, this is so exciting and amazing!" It seems like too much to expect, maybe in fear of getting my hopes up too far or maybe in fear of wanting something I secretly don't deserve.

If I had to make some sort of metaphor, I'm getting a tune-up for my car so that it will run well. But I think it's still going to be the same old beat-up clunker on the outside, so why the big hoorah about new spark plugs? If that makes any sense?

Obviously, I wouldn't plan on going ahead with the surgery if I was completely ambivalent (or worse) about it. But I do feel guilty for feeling so "blah" about it right now, when it seems obvious that someone should be thrilled to be wearing smaller pants or whatever.

Is this totally weird? Has anyone else dealt with this? I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but if anybody would understand, it would be the good folks here :)

Its hard to get excited about weight loss that hasn't happened yet.  I went shopping today to get a head start on Christmas gifts and was looking at clothes thinking, it would be so nice to fit into that.  Then I thought- someday I WILL fit into it-  and immediately thought, no I won't.  Yeah right, I'll believe it when I see it.  I guess its hard to wrap my head around the concept of losing weight FINALLY because, well, nothing has ever worked before.  No matter how gung ho I was.  I think its fear of getting your hopes up, honestly.  I'm afraid to get excited about wearing average sized clothes because WHAT IF it doesn't happen?!  But it WILL happen, because I AM having surgery, and I'm going to MAKE it happen.

Besides, its surgery, not a party or vacation.  Surgery isn't fun.  Losing weight will be fun though.  You'll be excited when that starts to happen! 

I think I felt kind of the same way. I was pretty numb about it beforehand. I almost felt like I was sitting on a train that someone else was driving and I was along for the ride, if that makes sense. And I met with a lot of people along the way (hospital admissions counselor, imaging tech who did my upper GI, etc.) who were all babbling at me about how thrilled and excited I must be, and I just couldn't match their enthusiasm. I was internally on the level of "eh, whatever" but I tried to fake ecstasy for them since they seemed to expect it (like being with an incompetent lover I guess). I wasn't even really scared of the surgery or anything, just blah about the whole process.

However, after the surgery, when I started feeling better and better, kept dropping clothes sizes, my arthritis pain vanished, my blood pressure meds got cut in half, then in half again, and I had no problem eating on plan and avoiding crappy food . . . the more this happens, the happier I get. Now I look back on my decision with the joy that I just couldn't muster up pre-op. I bet that happens for you too.

SparkleKitty, that's just how I felt before surgery....i attributed it to being logical and taking things one step at a time.  but really, I didn't think that was logical.  perhaps it was my way of not making surgery a big deal, as I had never had surgery, or childbirth, or anything traumatic happen to my body before, and was trying to downplay it.  I told myself "i'm doing what I gotta do"....like getting that tune up....cause after the tune up, my 'car' would be in a better place, will work better, and I had the confidence that everything was going to work out just fine.

I still don't get all thrilled about wearing smaller pants...I do get amused and somewhat shocked when it happens, but not all that a big deal.....you know what got me all thrilled?  when my bloodwork came back with an A1C of 4.4 !! didn't even know it could go that low!  when I compare my current labs with those pre surgery.  Tha's what thirlls me :)

so know that your car is going to run better than ever, longer, and you will get alot of enjoyment out of it !

best of luck

sophie

just like the few others have posted, I felt much the same way..I considered the surgery the last resort for me to try to re-gain my health..I am a very realistic and logical person, too, so I also was aware that this was a major surgery where I was making a permanent change and taking out most of a major body organ...it is hard for me to get "excited" about something like that...but I am glad I did it (6 months out) and have no regrets...still--like you--I did not get excited about the surgery

SparkleKitty, 

I am at the same stage as you are. Paperwork is being submitted to insurance. I feel the same way about surgery. I am ready so lets get it done. I live in New England. That means that we put away our warm weather clothes. I was folding up mine. I began thinking how they won't fit me next year. For the first time in my life I can say that they won't fit because I will have the tool to help me loose weight. In the past my clothes would not fit because I had gained weight! That made me so excited! Returning to health is what excites me. The surgery is only one step in the process. I will be sure that I celebrate each victory- both scale and non scale related. 

Going in to this surgery I felt a bit depressed and certainly not giddy like some folks do.  Mine was a lapband revision to sleeve.  I had always felt that I failed with my band, while everyone else, including my surgeon, said it was more the band's fault than mine.  So as I got the money together ( I was self pay) I just was so disheartened that I was going to spend $18,000 on my stupid obesity.

That was almost 5 months ago.  Despite having a rough recovery and some complications, I am now very happy with the process.  I've lost 72 lbs in 21 weeks.  With the band I lost 81 lb.s in a year.  Turns out it was the band that failed.  I am getting healthier and feeling better.  Not everyone is excited at first.  The sleeve works, and that's enough for me!

 

Kim

There is no "right" way to feel. We're all different, after all. Just wait till you're 4, 5, 6 months out from surgery...you'll be plenty excited!