GOAL is on the horizon... and musings on depression.

The scale read 190.4 this morning. I haven't been this close to the 180s in... well, if I'm being totally honest, I don't even remember when... 2009 maybe? It was at the very beginning of my steady climb to my HW for sure. I was fresh out of college and was working a new (CRAPPY) job with an inconsistent schedule, which made eating horribly all too easy. I got to the point where I would PLAN binges during my lunch break (If I worked an "all day" shift, I would get 2 hours for lunch). There were days when I would order from a restaurant, and when I picked it up, it was enough food there were TWO sets of silverware in the bag. I would take my smorgasbord to a local park and eat and eat and eat until I felt like I would vomit (I usually ate every bite that I'd bought), then I would relax and either read or nap in my car for another hour until I had to go back to work. This pattern was almost an EVERY DAY THING.

Looking back, I see that sad girl who felt like she was never going to get a job in her field and turned to food as a coping tool, and I want to hug her! I am now realizing just how much my depression led to my weight gain. Food was my escape. Bad day at a crappy job? Let's eat some wings... Turned down for a teaching job? Ice cream sounds good right about now... That "food coma" numbness got me through a lot of rejection. I spent the better part of three years in this pattern of: apply for a teaching job, find out it went to someone else, EatEatEat. It didn't help that I lived by myself. There was no one there to see my behavior and cause me to hold myself accountable. I guess I thought that if no one saw, it wasn't bad.

Depression and weight gain create a sad feedback loop. Depression = Eating to Cope = Weight Gain = Depression = Eating to Cope = Weight Gain, etc...

It's interesting how WLS can create the same sort of feedback loop, but with radically different players: Weight Loss = Confidence = Taking Better Care of Oneself (emotionally and physically) = Weight Loss = Confidence, etc.

I now feel like I am pretty firmly seated in that second loop (Don't get me wrong, I know that my depression is a REAL thing. I'm not going to pretend it has magically gone away with the extra pounds!). I am changing careers, as several of you know. I am no longer on the hunt for a teaching job. I have decided to, instead, pursue a career in the culinary world. Cooking and baking calm my soul. The rhythmic chopping, mixing, and stirring makes me happy. Feeding other people brings me joy. To me there is not a better gift to give someone than something that you have taken the time to make yourself, whether that is food or some other medium. This week, I found out that I have been hired for a position working in the kitchen of a small, "hole-in-the-wall" restaurant here in Chattanooga. I am absolutely ecstatic to start next week!

Had it not been for my VSG, I would have likely never gotten out of the spiraling loop of depression and weight gain. It's ironic that the one and only real teaching position that I had was the one whose insurance almost completely paid for this surgery! I think my out of pocket expenses for the surgery itself were about $800 in the end, not including pre op appointments and follow up care... Maybe I should just go ahead and round that up to $40,800 and include the cost of my Master's Degree in Education since that seems to have been the only thing that has come of it at this point LOL!

So... I am now 16.4 pounds from my first "goal" of a normal BMI (174 for me). It may take me several more months to get there, and that's ok. My WL has become a "stair step" over the last two months. I'll lose a pound, then hold for a week, then lose another pound. That's fine with me. I figure I'm due for a few stalls, given that I had exactly ONE during the first 7 months of WL, and that wasn't even until month 4 or 5 (It's in my signature. I can't remember right this second and can't see my sig while I'm typing this). I'm not one that believes that this process is a race to goal and that "2nd place is the 1st loser." Crossing the finish line is the only thing that matters, whether it takes a person 6 months or a year. Goal is goal; just keep trucking toward it. As long as it's continually getting closer and not farther away, I'm golden.

Stay the course, VSGers. Whatever course is best for you, both in WL and in your personal lives! Have a great weekend :)

Thank you for sharing this, I really enjoyed the read.  I'm so happy for all the progress you've made & the new things on the horizon for you.  Good luck with the new job, & thank you for you last few sentences as well; goal is goal no matter how long it takes.

Thanks! I really believe that bit about goal. As long as the scale is still moving in the right direction, I'm not going to stress :)

Chrissy, thank you for updating us!  I hear you on the depression.  Weight loss does not cure that.  People would ask me if I was so happy to have lost my weight & if I felt like I was walking on air.  Um... No.  But it certainly have a more positive outlook on life.  Our personal issues don't go away with weight loss. But it does make a lot of other things really great.  

This is not to make you feel bad or be a Debbie downer, but whenever I see your name pop up it makes me smile. About eight years ago I lost my best friend to breast cancer and her name was Chrissy too.  She was only 33 years old.  So now when I see your name I think of her.  She's actually still never far from my thoughts.  Sorry, I just wanted to share that connection.  :)

congratulations on your success so far. I think you've done a wonderful job. Keep going and look to the future. Keep up the great progress!

Jenn, you are so sweet! That's not a downer at all! I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, but I'm glad that you have happy thoughts to carry with you :)

Chrissy - so thrilled for you about the new job , your excitement about it is contagious :-)

You are soooo close to goal - glad you're content to let it happen all in its own time..

Thanks, Tracy! Goal will get here when it gets here and I'll be shouting from the rooftops when it does!

Wonderful post- well done, you.  Keeping it real- amazing how I find such "kindred" spirits here- you, that reflect experiences that I thought for so long that I -was the only one that....-  we are not alone.  Keep on, and Enjoy that new job, girl-  feeding others- cooking is a wonderful gift to give.  Bonnie

Thanks, Bonnie :) I also have found many kindred spirits here. It's nice to be "surrounded" by so many people who share this experience!

Chrissy, I was stuck in that same loop.  Additionally, I was on medication for depression that had a side effect of weight gain.  Yep.  Went through many different meds to find what worked for me, and of course it ended up being one that made me heavier.  

And now that I'm losing weight I'm more confident, and am taking better care of myself, and I feel a lot more confident since I look better.  This morning I stopped and had a mani/pedi done, and a few days ago I bought some new skin care and makeup products.  (I haven't worn makeup in years).  

Good luck getting to goal, you'll be there soon!