Let's talk body image

I have no idea what is typical of people like us as far as body image goes, but let me tell you, I feel like I have multiple personality disorder these days.

On the one hand, I do all these new things that I haven't ever really committed to fully before that are for vanity reasons, but really are fueled by this idea that I am oh, so flawed. I wear spanx every day. Every. Day. It's 100 degrees and 90% humidity? Spanx anyway! Gonna pass out from the heat? Spanx anyway! Developed a case of bacne (back acne)? Spanx anyway! It takes 10 minutes just to go pee? Spanx anyway! I only go without them when I'm sleeping or working out. I've also developed a skin care and makeup routine that takes approximately an hour and have developed a sense of nudity when leaving the house without it, when I rarely used to ever wear it before. This routine includes contouring, cause that's slimming. I also have started shielding with my arms - this is something that I do whenever my arms are exposed completely by a tank top, but also sometimes when I'm just wearing a short sleeved shirt. I cross my arms in front of my body or attempt to cover them with my hands. This also results in a habit of scratching and picking at them (trying to look like I'm actually doing something rather than being self conscious). I also pull on my loose skin and tell people about how "gross my body is."

On the other hand, I find myself doing things that actually are more along the lines of vain, but might still be fueled by insecurity. I check the mirror more than I ever have known myself to do. Part of it does have to do with making sure I haven't smeared my makeup or to clear the black gunk out of my eyes from the eyeliner, but I also get the feeling that I may be reminding myself of what I look like now. There are times I catch myself in a mirror or a picture and have to "figure out" that it's me. I've also started wearing clothes that fit tighter. Part of me wonders if other people see me as wearing clothes that are not appropriate for my body, and part of me wonders if I only question that because of my insecurities. I have also been taking "selfies" which I never did when I was heavier - I avoided the camera at all costs - I even refused in a moment of stubborn shame (? Or pride? Whatever the cause) to allow pictures to be taken when I had my son. I will always regret that no matter how much I hated the way I looked. But for whatever reason, I've been taking pictures, and a lot of times, I hate them and delete them, but I keep a lot of them, too. It makes me feel very self absorbed.

Does anyone else struggle with body image like I do? Anyone else feel this weird shame/arrogance and the guilt that comes along with both? Has anyone been able to overcome these feelings?

Annie you are NOT alone!! 

I could have written this!

I actually had the nerve to say to my hubby

this saturday after he said to me..

"you look pretty today, I like that outfit" (we had a party)

I actually said..." I look FAT!!"

can you believe it...FAT??!!

he looked at me like I was NUTS!

I am also doing selfies where as a year and half ago..NO WAY!!

and you could be on to something with the checking in a mirror

I glance at myself all the time..where ever a mirror may be..

I think I am still in a state of shock that I look like this..

don't know if I'll ever get used to the "new" me..

I feel ya.  I really, really do.

Now I haven't taken to wearing makeup--I didn't before, and I don't intend to start.  But I did start taking better care of my skin--now I have a morning ritual that involves toner and moisturizer!

My sticking point is my clothes:  if I am not totally put together before I leave the house, I don't go.  I refuse to go out and about looking sloppy because for so long, that was my only choice since my clothing choices were limited to what amounted to tents.  When I leave the house each day, I am dressed to the nines (in my mind, anyway!).

I too take selfies, but I did that before.  I just do it a lot more often now because I am happier with the way I look.  I am proud of the hard work I have done and I have no shame in showing it off.  I don't feel arrogant or have feelings of shame.  What I am having to work through is anger--why did I deny myself the privilege of looking this good before?  I actually wrote a blog post about it last night and it nearly made me cry.

I am still getting used to ME!  I wear fitted clothes now- I tended to wear bigger clothes so they weren't tight to expose my fat.  I am pretty critical of myself but try to do better with that.  Do I feel skinny- no!!!!!!!  Though I truly can see the difference in my face and body in pictures.  I had been heavy so long it is really hard to make the adjustment.  I always took care of myself and wore make up and nice clothes.  It is just easier to look better, faster now.  I guess we can easily say we are works in progress.

Get rid of the spanx unless your extra skin is too much.  There are other under garments not quite as restrictive if you need it. I am older and have some saggy skin and I have generally made my peace with it. I figure I could have it anyway at 64.

I think taking the selfies is healthy because it makes you see how you really are now.  

Good luck.

Nancy

Thank you for posting this! I have been feeling very similar to you. I have a love/hate relationship with my appearance. And it drives me nuts that I get so focused on how I look now whereas before I was trying to avoid thinking about how I look. But - the love part is that I can ENJOY the person I see in the mirror. I found that very difficult to do 6 months ago. 

HA! Yes... with you on all counts

Sometimes... SOMEtimes... I go without my body briefer on Saturday, but other than that, yep... as my daughter calls it... I wear a 'sucky inny' thing.

I live on SoCal, so not humid, but HOT. Going to ComicCon this weekend in San Diego. A LOT of walking. We'll see how I fare in the sucky inny thing.

I totally get what you mean about the Spanx--it's like being hugged all day, isn't it?  It reminds me of my dog's Thundershirt.  I too love to wear shape wear, but I can't right now because of a healing wound from a minor procedure and it's driving me a little bit crazy and there are things I will not wear until I can snug myself in again.

I also look in the mirror more often, but I think mostly more because I'm pleased by what I see these days.  I have a full-length mirror in my closet and I do check it a couple of times before leaving for the day.  When I pass by large windows, I do sneak a peek at myself.  Sometimes I feel like Vanity Smurf!  I don't feel guilty, but I do feel kind of foolish sometimes.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it though.  I spent so many years disappointed by what I saw in the mirror and now that I can wear more form-fitting things and I feel better about how I present myself to outsiders, I figure I might as well enjoy it.  :D

As for not wearing appropriate things, who's the person to decide that?  I'm 41 and I'm wearing polka-dot Converse.  If you look in the mirror and you like what you see, that's the end of that story.  For the picking at your arms and guilty feelings, you might want to talk to a therapist person.  Sometimes being able to unburden yourself to a disinterested 3rd party can make a world of difference.

Good luck on your journey!

Jen