My Mother's Story RE: "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at...

So, I am sure a lot of you read my post about "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't day anything at all". I was honestly surprised at some of the utter nastiness of comments I received from some members. I am so proud of the ones who were brave enough to step in and speak up for what is right as well. 

I did not write that post, because of anything that had been directly said to me in a rude way on OH. I have been very lucky to come across wonderful and supportive people. It was purely based on things I had seen rudely said to other people. To go a bit deeper, it also had a lot to do with my mother, Toni. 

I lived my entire life up until 18 yrs old, watching her battle extreme morbid obesity. I watched her try every diet under the sun, to only fail time and time again. I watched her become bed/house ridden because of her health, and fear of what the world would say when she did get the courage to step outside. I watched how cruel people would stare and make rude comments, even in the time she had lost a great amount of weight. I watched other over weight people, judge and say cruel things, because they weren't as "big" as she was. I watched my mother stick to a diet and lose 100+ pounds, to have it all go down the drain, over ONE comment some heartless person felt necessary to say. I watched her take pliers and cut the wire out of her mouth, from having her jaws wired - after a crappy comment. I watched the cruel world torture a beautiful women, who was not healthy enough to have surgery. I watched my mother deteriorate from obesity, leaving me to be a care taker instead of a child/teenager. I ultimately watched my mother be lowered into the ground at 18 yrs old! 

You see, my Mother did try many times to lose the weight. Every time she got on a good course and her confidence would start to re-build - there was some heartless person with a negative comment. In her case, it effected her deeply every time! She would tell me, I can't do this, I am never going to succeed! They are right, I am just a fat pig, and always will be! Food was her comfort, her friend. And when these people who had no hearts chimed in, she ran to her comfort! I say all of this, to please ask people to just try an be more considerate to others who are battling the DISEASE of obesity! If you are not the supportive type, that's okay - just leave them be then! Let those who are supportive, step in and do that!

I hear the world victim being thrown around a lot. My mother, and others who deal with this disease are not victims or overly sensitive - they are sick! We need to remember that!! You do not KNOW what the person on the other side of the screen is going through! It takes an EXTREME amount of courage to come to this site and ask for help, to have surgery, to take the step towards life again! For some, surgery won't be enough, they are battling harder then we could ever imagine in the mental realm. Anyways, I felt the need to say this - I hope to God this gets across to some people.

RIP Mom, and to the the others who lost the battle to obesity. To those of us who are STILL in the battle, we can and will win this thing!! Much love!!

EDITED TO ADD** I did NOT post this for attention or sympathy! It is not needed. I dealt with her loss many years ago, and I am okay! This is to bring some MUCH needed AWARENESS to those who forgot what the struggle is all about, and for those who are not familiar with it all**

My Mom and I many moons ago...

My mother died when I /she was young too. I like to think I honour her by taking care of myself, especially in terms of my weight and health. I'd say you're honoring your mom in similar ways. We are making our moms proud and ensuring they are never forgotten. 

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom  I am absolutely taking this journey for her too! I know she is proud! As your Mother is too :) 

Amber-thank you so much for sharing your mother's (and your) story. That took a lot of courage and conveyed a deep message. Having said that, I don't think you needed to explain your post yesterday. I fully realize I am not far enough in the process to even qualify as a newbie and so may therefore be flamed, but I fully agree with what you said. There are ways to communicate encouragement and exhortation (code word for hard truth) and ways to just be mean (or sarcastic or acerbic or whatever). My natural go to is sarcasm but I realize it is not productive in building up people's skills or talents (or habits) and constantly have to check myself-not always successfully to my discredit. 

This forum should be a place for people to ask questions, voice fears or concerns, celebrate victory, and admit weakness. And yes, sometimes hard truths should/must be delivered. But the way in which those truths get communicated matters. As people who have struggled with our weight-often over a lifetime-we have all likely been the recipient of cruel comments and well-meaning-though-hurtful-not-helpful 'advice'. Perhaps some, like me, struggle with not lashing out at others in areas where we do have it together. I don't know. But I have seen comments that have been hurtful and not productive, and I cringe. 

Bit of a ramble, sorry for that. But again, thank you for speaking up and out.

Thank you weezie! I did not write this to try and justify my other post so much, but more of a reality check of awareness for some     : ) You said "My natural go to is sarcasm but I realize it is not productive in building up people's skills or talents (or habits) and constantly have to check myself-not always successfully to my discredit. " and honestly - that is me too in A LOT of ways! But I know for some people, that is dangerous. Sarcasm and being our right rude, are 2 different things in my book. I love everything you said above!! It takes a lot to realize when there are areas in our personality or life, that could use improvement! Thank you :) 

Is that your mother Amber?  She was beautiful!

I agree, you never needed to justify your post but I understand you wanting to add this very personal story. 

My grandmother was "obese" and when I was 15, she passed away from a bad heart condition.  She tried everything to lose weight but just couldn't.  And even one of her own daughters called her names that hurt so badly.  I am the heaviest person in my family and have always felt I took after her in many ways.  That would be a compliment to me because she meant the world to me.

So, this post should continue for anyone who wants to talk abut who was the person who meant the most to them and why?

Hey Karen :) Yes, that is my Mom and I. I think I was around 16ish in this photo. I just think people need to be aware of what words can truly do to someone, who is suffering or fighting to make a change in their life. My Mother was a HUGE reason I had this surgery. I have a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old. I don't want to leave them alone, because of not being able to overcome obesity and the complications that come with it. Time to break the cycle! 

I haven't been on this site for months and the reason is because people have been very rude. I decided that I was not going to read anymore nasty comments from people who should know better. Your comment was the first thing I saw when I signed on. I couldn't have expressed my thoughts any better than what you posted. Thank you for making my visit a positive experience. I love the pic you posted....you and Mama look beautiful....I'm sorry you had to lose her so young and to such a debilitating disease. People just don't get the fact that it is a disease....and it kills people every day in one form or another. God bless

Hey Annie! I have been watching the rude comments now for around 6 months. Yesterday was the day - I had to say something! I am so glad you were able to feel some positive on here! I am not going to lie, this site and the people who have helped me along the way have been beyond amazing! I hope you come back, and experience the same too :)  I do feel bad for the people who get the harshness though. It's just so unnecessary! Thank you for the compliment on the pic :) 

I know you state that you do not want sympathy, but how about some empathy? I can truly relate to this for myself and tears came to my eyes. This is a lovely tribute and story of awareness you have put out there. I will have lost my father 11 years ago this Christmas and losing a parent for whatever reason is not easy. My mother also named Toni is SMO and I am blessed to still have her in my life.  Thanks for posting this.