Anticipatory grief

Hi everyone,

I wrote a post a couple of weeks back, and I am just starting the process of exploring the VSG, having completed and sent my history paperwork back to the weight management clinic. I have a thousand voices in my head yelling, "Run away!!!! Don't do it!!!!" My main problem, I think, is the anticipatory grief of not having that numbed out, soothed feeling I have when I'm eating my binge foods, as well as not being able to eat the quantity of food that I do. Did any of you feel like you went into this whole process kicking and screaming? I feel like I HAVE to do this, but not that I WANT to do this. Can anybody relate? And if so, what is your experience those kinds of feelings a few months post op? I went back and read some old posts of mine on here, because I was considering the lap-band procedure in 2007. Obviously, I never went through with it because of those very same feelings (and, I didn't like the idea of the fills). And so little has changed for me after all these years, except I weigh probably 40 pounds more. So, clearly, after 9 years I've done nothing successfully long term to change any habits, and I think about surgery in hopes that it will force me to change. I guess I'm looking for someone to say that they hated, feared and/or dreaded the thought of doing this, forced themselves to do it anyway, and are forever grateful that they didn't listen to those voices in their head. 

It has been my experience that we find what we are looking for. If you are looking for grief and loss, that is what you will find. It would be in your best interest to identify and begin to address some of the disordered thinking around food, you indicate you experience. Now is the time to begin to build a healthier relationship with food. The sleeve is just a tool...90% of your success will depend on keeping your head in the game. I have seen too many people just expect the sleeve to magically make the need to binge  go away. Many people experience success with cognitive behavior therapy and/ OA . I know I wouldn't be where I am without exploring these issues and getting onto recovery regarding my relationship with food, prior to VSG.

You can do this !!!

Thanks so much for your reply. I have had many years, on and off, of CBT and therapy specifically related to binge eating disorder. Unfortunately, thus far I've not been able to develop a healthy relationship with food despite the years and $$$ of therapy. I'm considering the surgery in an effort to "force" myself to follow a healthy food plan, as well as using it to give me the taste (pun intended!) of what it's like to live without all of the extra weight. That may be what I need to motivate myself to adjust to a lifestyle of healthy eating and consistent exercise. 

I definitely was very motivated to get the surgery, but also experienced a sense of grief over the prospect of losing food as a coping mechanism.  I think addressing (and processing) these feelings as I experienced them helped prepare me for the surgery more than anything else.  I am almost 2 months out, and although I definitely miss food (as I used to enjoy it) at times, I feel confident that I made the best choice for my long-term health, and I'm appreciating food in new ways.  I know my struggle is not over, I just acquired a tool to help me address my issues with food, and I have to work to utilize that tool properly.  You are being honest with yourself, which is a great place to start.  Good luck!

Good luck to you as well, Mauracg. I so admire everyone who has taken the leap!

It sounds like you are aware of your emotional needs to eat - and that is a good place to be. 

I suspect that most of us used over-eating as a means of self-soothing.  And many see a therapist and/or do a lot of personal work to develop new strategies for self-soothing.  I find that I can manage in most situations with the new strategies, but when things get really tough (ie my daughter having a cancer scare, or our house being robbed, etc)  I revert to food for comfort. 

In case you aren't aware,  there are lots of foods that are "slider foods"  that move thru your tummy fast. ( like crackers and dips, ice cream, most deserts, etc)   It is still possible to overeat and self-sooth with food after the sleeve. 

Personally, I think we need to do what we need to do in those really stressful situations.  And its ok.  We can get back on plan when the stressors pass. 

I have to say, I do feel sad at times when I am eating my 6 ounces of food at thanksgiving dinner, and everyone else is eating 3 or 4 times more than me.  But in the long run, I am so happy to be healthy and looking good.  It is so worth it.

Carol

Thank you. As I was at my in-laws house for Mother's Day, I kept thinking about what it would be like to sit down at the table, with everyone having normal servings of foods on their plates, and me sitting there with 2 bites worth of meat, some vegetables (which I hate), no rolls, no potatoes, and nothing to drink. I just can't wrap my head around that. I mean, do you feel so good in your new body, or while in the process of losing weight, that the hunger and/or desire to eat just doesn't bother you as much? Am I trading one form of misery (extreme obesity) for another (hunger/not being satisfied by the food I'm allowed to eat)? That's what I'm wondering. Although, even if the answer is yes, I realize that latter form of misery is more healthy than the former. Is it going to be worth it? I'm glad to hear that for you, it is. :) I'm just not sure about me, but I'll never know unless I try, I suppose.

I had surgery on October 16 and the first family celebration after was Thanksgiving.

I made a small plate with a one inch square of turkey and seven kernels of corn.  I enjoyed every bite and was pleasantly full after finishing it.  Not being hungry and getting quickly full is what makes the surgery work.

I won't say it is easy, but I wouldn't call it misery, either.  I'm really good at feeling my feelings - I think too good.  Some days I just have to tell myself, "life isn't fair.  Get over it!"  Truly, its a sadness, but the whole healthy feeling, the energy to travel and walk and run, looking good in clothes, feeling so much better about my appearance, etc.  outweighs any sacrifice I make to be where I am now.

best wishes,

Carol 

I do remember clearly worrying about portion size, and mourning so to speak the loss of this. However, I could never have fully anticipated how the tiny portions were just as satisfying prior to the sleeve. So, try to take that off your plate if you can- smaller sized portions is NOT the same thing as being satisfied with what you are eating. The "numbed out soothed feeling" is more difficult to tackle. That points strongly to work you may need to tackle regarding why you are prone to binge eating. I am not judging mind you, I am a big emotional eater myself so I totally get it.

I went into the process and made the decision that no matter what the advice was that the professionals were giving me, I would follow it. Even if I thought it wouldn't help me. For example, I thought the nutritionist would be a waste of time given I was fairly well versed on nutrition. It proved to be very helpful because we actually spent most of our time carefully reconstructing my eating habits, looking for patterns, and then adjusting those patterns. Very little time was spent on portion sizes and "good choices" since I had that down already. That was enormously helpful for me, because up until that point I never thought about my schedule of eating- I felt like I would just constantly eat and ergo i was morbidly obese as a result. 

Support group was the other area that I had to literally drag myself too. I truly didn't see that helping, not because it was ineffective but because I was just so damn closed off to anything like that. It proved to be incredibly helpful in keeping my on track through the weight loss phase and into maintainance. Unfortunately, the hospital changed it from being led from a mental health type perspective (focused on our behaviors, strageties to overcome head hunger, etc.) to rotating out by being led by a nurse one week, an exercise guru one week, etc. That rapidly became not helpful for me, as my area of need by that time had been clearly established as needing to deal with head hunger, emotional eating, and eating due to boredom. 

For you, I wonder about when you post that you NEED to do this but don't WANT to do this. I can't tell if this might be a defense type mechanism (deep down you are afraid it won't work for you so you acknowledge only that you need to do it, but afraid to want to do it). Perhaps it indicates you are not ready- if you don't work on the part of food numbing you the surgery is far less likely to work.  Or maybe it just indicates that as you go through the process you should include some therapy work to help give you a little extra support in this area. What I do know, is that whatever is causing you to post that will not just magically go away for you. Like you mentioned, you had the same feelings and apprehensions years ago with the band.

Don't be afraid of the surgery- it truly can help you in ways you can't really imagine. Don't be afraid to commit. It is a little work for sure dealing with the emotional eating, but it can for sure be addressed. When I had the surgery I never allowed myself in those months leading up to and just after to even think for a moment that I could possibly make it to a normal bmi. I was really wrong about that. You might be too. :)