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| Author | Message |
 GA Member Since: 04/08/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 8:31 pm Hi there,
I am STILL so undecided about telling or not telling people that I am having WLS. My immediate family knows and everyone was VERY supportive. I am a stay at home mom so I don't have work to worry about but we are heavily involved in our church.
Our church is VERY friendly and has always been supportive whenever we have had surgeries, deaths etc. The main reason I don't want to tell is b/c I feel like everyone will be "watching" everything I eat, etc. on Family Dinner/Church night on Wednesdays. Granted, that is probably my paranoid mind thinking this. I doubt anyone would give it a second thought. We have had 2 women already have surgery and they have been very successful with it. They shared with the church and all was well which I know it would be for me.
Also, I feel like if I don't tell them or neighboors then when I start losing weight, people are going to be asking questions. I can be honest and say that I have cut out all sweets, drinks, bread and bad foods but I feel bad mentally b/c I also know I had the surgery and that is what is helping me. Also, what if I could help just 1 person who might be struggling like I am with having WLS and changing their life?
My surgery is in 3 weeks and I am just so undecided what to do. I also have a 13 & 10 yr. old and am concerned what this will be teaching them. I don't want them to think for a second that I am ashamed of the surgery hence why I am not telling people. I also don't want them to feel like they have to "keep quiet" about it and worry if they slip up talking to their friends. Also, I believe I still feel like I have failed and that is why I am having to have this surgery. So many emotions are running through my head at this time.....
What is all of your advice on this?
Help!!
Thanks!
Wendy
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 Wilson, NC Member Since: 04/08/04 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 8:52 pm I told *everyone*.
I knew that I would be losing weight fast enough that "normal" methods would not explain the rapid loss. I also knew that telling people would make it easier to eat in public as I wouldn't have to pretend to not be hungry or feel pressured to eat something I shouldn't.
Case in point.. my surgery was 8/3. My father had his birthday on 8/5. On 8/7, there was a birthday party held for him. Everyone there knew I had the surgery, so there was no surprise when I didn't partake in the icecream, cake, or any of the other goodies people had brought. If they hadn't known and had seen me not partake, there would have been more questions.
Another situation.. a girl on here went to a bbq 16 days post op. She ended up eating some foods that were not on her list because she was trying to maintain appearances. She didn't want the questions if she chose not to eat because she didn't share the info with her friends and family. So she put her health at risk (and yes, eating foods you shouldn't or not following doctor orders this close to surgery can put you at risk) just for the sake of appearances.
Ultimately, it is up to you. But I felt it was easier in the long run to be completely up front and honest about it. Obesity is a disease.. and we shouldn't feel like second-rate citizens because we have surgery. If someone has appendicitis, it's not like they are looked down upon for having an appendectomy.
The more of us that are ashamed of our WLS, the longer the shame will persist. |
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 Denver, CO Member Since: 02/16/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 7:33 am I would have to agree with you on the majority of what you have said here. It is never good to put your health at risk, especially just to maintain apperences. The only issue I have with what you said is that you are trying to compare an appendicitis with morbid obesity and an appendectomy with WLS. WLS is a choice... it is a surgery that we do willingly. For the most part, appendectomies are NOT a choice, so it's like comparing apples to oranges. "The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary." 304/148/130 |
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Wilson, NC Member Since: 04/08/04 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 7:48 am It is a concious choice to save one's life from dying of apnea, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, or any of the other ailments that happens to morbidly obese people.
It is a concious choice to save one's life by having an emergency surgery such as an appendectomy.
The difference is that WLS isn't on an emergent basis.. but it is no less life-saving than a coronary bypass. |
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 Member Since: 11/04/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 8:58 pm Wendy, I actually had some of the same concerns as you about who to tell or not to tell. I came to this conclusion. I tell everybody! That way I won't have to answer so many questions later. But the best thing that has happened to me by telling is that I have so many people that are supporting me and praying for me. Most people that are close to us know the struggles we have with our weight. They see the effects it has on our health and our lives in general. So my experience has been very positive by telling everyone. I decided that my life may be an example for someone else who is thinking about it. But most importantly, I just couldn't live with that secret. This is one that I want to share because it is such a good thing. Sharing has been extremely freeing for me. It has also caused me to look at how my relationships with others really revolve around food. I have had to deal with that before surgery instead of after when things will already be so difficult. Hope that helps to give you a different prospective. God Bless! |
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 Canada Member Since: 01/25/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 9:06 pm Only my husband and kids know. It's no one else's business. If people ask how/why you're losing so much weight just tell them that you're exercising and eating less - which is the truth. There is no need to elaborate any further. |
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Beantown, MA Member Since: 06/10/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 9:28 pm There is no need to hold back unless you are not feeling at ease telling some individuals. Take your time and do it when it is right for you. No one can ever tell you when it is right you need to feel it is within yourself. The majority of individuals will always have a positive reaction and will be very supportive of you and your decision for wls. There may be one or two that may have a negative statement and there always will be and there is seriously nothing we can do about those one or two individuals. Your going to feel better, your health will improve,You will be more energetic,and you will enjoy more experiences with your children.This is a life long change and it is not easy so if anyone thinks it will be they are sadly mistaken.We have to make the decisions to eat right and make sure exercise is being done on a regular basis. I told my family and friends and I have received mixed reactions. This is for me not for them and that's what you need to remember. Everything you will decide from here on out will be your decision with the support of family and friends. So in all of this remember to.... 1)Always believe in yourself & your dreams 2)Catch your own star 3)Your life holds unlimited potential 4)It's up to you 5)Don't ever doubt yourself 6)Always create your own dreams and live life to the fullest 7)Be a Dreamer 8)Do whatever it takes 9)Believe in Miracles 10)Always follow your dreams and never allow anyone to take them from you!  |
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 Metairie, LA Member Since: 03/06/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 9:42 pm If you don't want anyone to know then you'll have to lie and get your kids to lie for you. However, that doesn't mean people won't know you're lying. No amount of dieting and exercising will make a person look like they're melting, which is what this surgery does for about the first 3 or 4 months. Also, everyone I know who had this surgery turned deathly white for awhile. No hiding that.
Years ago people would lie about having WLS because they were ashamed of having it, and it was easy to hide the facts because it was so rare. It's becoming so common now. I can tell from a mile away when someone has had surgery.
If you don't want to tell anyone in advance then don't, but if they ask you after it's probably much easier to be honest. Nothing to be ashamed of. Dianna |
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 the building~~ Wake Forest, NC (11/12/08) Member Since: 05/07/08[Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 10:11 pm I am telling many people..... but there are some instances and people I don't care to share with. My ex is one of them. I have spoken to my 6 yr old daughter about it so she understands the whole operation thing. And then we had a conversation about not talking about it outside of the house. I compared it like this "you know how you wouldn't want to talk about if you wet the bed, well that is how mommy feels about the operation." It isn't lying or anything, it is just keeping stuff to ourselves. The world doesn't have to know if you don't want it to. Of course the bed wetting thing only works if your kid sometimes still has accidents. LOL      |
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 Saugus, CA Member Since: 11/16/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 10:26 pm If you don't tell anything to those who know you well, then they may think you are ill with cancer or other debilitating condition. Or, as a patient of mine told me, a crack-head. (She is african-american, and the neighbors do not know her well...She is now looking for a new home.)
re: your kids...wow. You might not like what I have to say here...if you teach them to even consider withholding truths about you, then what lesson are you teaching them?
OK, did you know that Lincoln failed at pretty much every endeavor he attempted and yet he still ended up being one of the most powerful men our country will know? Failure teaches us. God gave you failure so you understand what you need to succeed. (You REALLY think it was just good luck WLS became available to you right now in your life??)
I think full disclosure is always the proper way. But if you must, just tell people you are dieting, and they will end up watching everything you eat, anyway.
Sorry I don't help any further. |
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 Member Since: 06/21/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 1:29 pm I don't understand the comment about being a crack-head. Are you saying that if a black person loses a lot of weight, then people are going to think she's on crack?? |
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Saugus, CA Member Since: 11/16/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 2:32 pm abbysmom, that is exactly what I was saying, which is exactly why she moved shortly after finding out about it. She told the neighbor that she had WLS when neighbor commented on her weight loss, and then the neighbor told her, like it was some kind of joke! My patient decided she did not want to live where such things were considered funny. |
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 MO Member Since: 04/18/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 10:26 pm I told everyone at work about it. I didn't want them talking behind my back later when I lose 100 plus lbs really fast and maybe start losing hair. You know saying I must be dying of cancer or aids or something. Everyone was very supportive I must say. |
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 San Dimas, CA Member Since: 02/03/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 10:28 pm My first question would be did the other lady sharing their story help you donw the path the WLS in any way? if so why would you keep that info from someone else who may be looking for help?
If not you already know how the church will react, so make your decision based on that.
I told adn still tell everyone. I have helped 3 other get WLS or at least get started down the path. It all started with a simple conversation about what I was going to do. One even had her surgery 3 months before I did, I was jealous.
It sfunny I see people who I know, from my own experience, are miserable in their body adn I just want to walk up to them adn let them know theres hope. But I stop myself, when the time is right they will hopefully find the answers |
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 GARDEN CITY BEACH, SC Member Since: 05/16/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 10:31 pm Last Edit: 7/4/08 10:52 pm Wendy,
Remember what happened to Star Jones. She lost all kinds of credibility because she was not truthful. I am having gastric byp[ass on Tuesday 07/08/08. I have told anybody who is interested about my surgery. I am not ashamed of it. But I do have a disease...morbid obesity. 5'3 and 288
and type 2 diabetes. I am hopeful of no longer being a diabetic. Honestly is always the best policy. Then you do not need a photographic memory.
Good Luck and God Bless,
Barbara
WLS IS A CREATION OF MY WILL POWER!
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 Kimberly, WI (08/04/08) Member Since: 05/27/08[Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 10:44 pm Wendy,
Everyone can give you thier opinion and tell you what they did and that is great as it lets you look ath the decision you are facing in differnet ways. The bottom fact is that you need to do what is right for you and your family. I ask for advice from others and listen to what they say and thier opinions and then from there, I make my chice on what works for me... Good luck! Lori |
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 Eugene, OR Member Since: 11/11/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/4/08 11:53 pm Wendy - this is a very personal thing. You don't have to tell everyone if you don't want to. You don't have to tell everyone beforehand either. Later on, when you're losing weight and someone asks, you can either tell them you're watching what you eat, or you can tell them you had the sugery -- it's up to you. As far as church goes, I was very active in my church. I was very supportive of anyone who had surgery for whatever reason, but when it came to me, I never told I was going to be having surgery to anyone (except the priest) beforehand. I guess because I was always raised to think it is wrong to pray for or to ask God for things for yourself. I figured everyone would be fawning all over me and I'd be uncomfortable about it. I had a couple of foot surgeries and a hysterectomy while I was still a member of the congregation. Right now I rarely go to church anymore and definitely not to my old church. Suffice it to say that I love my faith, but at times really hate my religion. The folks in our church decided to get rid of the priest (who was the most Christ-like man I have ever met) and things got really ugly. I lost a lot of faith in human beings at that point. I'm hesitant to join another church. The under belly of any organization can be really awful when you get to know the details. I prefer to just lurk in the background.
Linda Success supposes endeavor. - Jane Austen  |
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GA Member Since: 04/08/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 12:14 am Thank you all so much for your advice and ideas. For some reason, I have been thinking it is an all or nothing kind of thing but it isn't. I can choose to tell some after the surgery if they ask or pick and choose those I want to tell before hand. It's funny how certain aspects of this operation are easier to handle than others. What may seem a huge mountain for me to climb may not affect another person and vice versa.
I have never mentioned to my kids about keeping this from anyone. I just tld them for right now, until I can get all the family members told, to not say anything to anyone else. I can pretty much take anything from anyone except lying....hence my struggle with this decision. Even a white lie is still a lie and I never wanted to compromise my thoughts and beliefs that I have raised my children on.
So, I say this all b/c I finally have some peace in my heart about what I am going to do. I will begin telling people that I want to before my surgery and the rest will just follow. I remember when I tld my family a couple weeks back, I felt this HUGE burden lifted off of me. I had been keeping everything inside of me for months until I was done with all of the testing and such. I wanted to have an actual approval before I tld them.
Thanks again so much for everyone's help!! Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th!!
Wendy
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 Member Since: 07/28/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 3:23 am I don't think it's wrong. However, what *IS* wrong is the Star Jones approach. "Why no, I've never had GBS - I did *everything* myself by eating right and exercising more (tee hee)".
Either zip it totally and completely on everything, or tell. Think of how many times in the past you've struggled and tried and failed to lose weight and felt like such a loser (and not in the good way, either). Imagine having an obese person hear you say "Why I did it the usual way, of course - I exercised and ate less!" Imagine them slinking away thinking "I suck - she can do it, why can't I?"
Just be careful and considerate in your decision.
CitS |
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Member Since: 06/25/07 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 7/5/08 5:11 am I haven't told very many people about my WLS. I was judged when I was fat. I'd be judged because of wls and judged because now I'm too "skinny". I'm generally a private person about my health issues and don't care to air that I need back surgery, had a hyster, and a total knee replacement, etc. I didn't and don't need the extra scrutiny when I'm dealing with my food addiction and monitored on everything I eat, I get that enough from my family. I started South Beach before WLS and lost 19 pounds and loosely continue it today. If people ask me what I'm doing, I tell them eating six small meals a day, low carbs and whole grains and veggies. I had to let my SIL know because she is the back-up sitter for my grandkids and it is killing her because she can't tell people what I had done. She said, "I heard you talking with you aunt about WLS, and am wondering if I can talk about it now since you are being more open about it." No, it is my place to tell not hers. Am I touchy about it, yes, only because I've had enough of people opinions about me, food, and my life. I wouldn't go up to someone and say, "Hey, I heard you had a vasectomy or How's that breast implants treating you?" I'm not a Star Jones, but it is my business. On the other hand, if there is someone that you really want to know, well tell them. My WLS isn't going to make or break how this world is going. Just don't need to give them something else to gossip about. IMOP.
Nancy J. |
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