I hate my fat self...NOW?
on 9/5/08 7:27 pm - In my Studio
My highest weight was 253 and I'm 5'6". I didn't like being fat, but I didn't hate myself for it. I have a big heart, I'm a good friend and wife, and I simply love my life. I'm thankful for each day, and I am blessed with people to love. Being fat hurt, and it was not how I wanted to be, but it didn't define me or ruin my self-esteem. Then....
I had RNY on July 28th, 2008, and so far I've lost enough weight to drop a size in jeans and tops. I lost 30 pounds and then stopped weighing myself. I didn't want to get too caught up in the weight thing...not this early out. It's not healthy for me.
And the other day I went out to do some shopping for minor things, at Target, and I went by the clothes area. I love shopping for clothes, and I'm looking forward to when I can enjoy that more on a thinner body. But, for now, I thought I'd look for some jeans to wear when the ones I have now, get too loose. I tried some on...and I was shocked at how much, and how quickly, I loathed that fat on my body. I left that fitting room, and the store, hating myself, hating the fat, and feeling ashamed at how I looked. I am so shocked this came out of me...I mean, I'm at least 30 pounds lighter...but all of a sudden I'm humiliated by my weight and I feel mentally tortured by my weight. I feel like I don't want to leave the house until I'm thin enough to be seen.
How crazy is that? NOW I decide I hate the fat. NOW it hurts my self-esteem and makes me question everything I once knew about myself.
Has anyone else struggled with this kind of thing...being more upset by your fat AFTER wls?
(thank you for reading this...sorry to ramble on so much)
And you bring up a question from me about trying on the new jeans. Did you try them on in the store dressing room, you know the one with the distortion mirrors that have special lighting that would make Angelina Jolie look like Joan Rivers? Those lights??? Geez and crackers, I'd rather change in the aisle between clothes and then walk over to a mirror outside of the torture booth. Hell, last time I was in Dillards, I found a BLACK HAIR growing on the underside of my chin. MY CHIN aaarrrrgggghhhhh. Why hadn't firends or family told me? Don't they love me enough to tell me aabout sprouting hairs???!!!
OK, back to you issue. How did the new jeans fit? Did you like the way you look in them, or was it just the distorted reflction from the mirrors from hell?
I always say, I look great in my clothes, when pre ops ask me about excess skin after a 100+ lb loss. Gets a giggle out of theml
OK, now answer my questions quickly, Mr Ambien is singing sweetly in my ear!.\\
on 9/5/08 7:51 pm
I hope you feel better and that you can remind yourself daily that you are making a huge change in your life and are getting healthier.
on 9/5/08 7:58 pm - Big Sky Country, ID
Totally get it. I think for me it has something to do with the facts that pre-op I never weighed myself, never took pictures, never bought clothes expecting them to look nice (they were just functional and needed to cover my backside when I sat down), and just never really cared about my appearance in general. I mean, I did my makeup and hair, and my clothes always looked fine, but it's not the same as it is now.
Now that I can wear clothes that actually look decent on me, I am sometimes consumed with how bad I still look. I've lost almost 80 pounds, but now that it's coming off, I want to be smaller and smaller and smaller and all I can see is the fat. I don't understand it at all, but it can be discouraging.
I remember when I took my 3 month pics, I'd just gotten back from the doctor and had lost 50 pounds and was so excited. Then I took my pics and was like "WTH"? I'm still fat! A little smaller, but still fat. Damn that was a bad couple of days.
Today though, I am happy with how I look. Don't know how tomorrow will go though. LOL!
on 9/5/08 11:38 pm, edited 9/5/08 11:41 pm
Maybe you had some repressed feelings that came out on that day?
I'm sorry, i know it could come off as insulting to suggest that but I just know that we have certain defense mechanisms that play tricks with our emotions. And this is the first thing that popped into my head.
A lot of people express their frustration through self destructive behavior like over eating or cutting and some use self preserving behavior, they look at the bright side of their lives all the good things, how lucky they are and they convince themselves they are happy with all of including their unhealthy weight.
Before surgery maybe you felt like you had no control and no hope so why should you care? It is what it is.. why be tortured by it?
After surgery you have all the hope in the world and you expect results! So of course you feel let down when you don't see those results soon enough.
But i could be WAY off..
I was so angry and disgusted with myself. I piled the clothes back in front of my bureau mirror and hung my head in shame.
Logically, I know clothing mfgs are all different and there is no true size 18. But that did little to take away my disappointment.
My DH wonders why I don't want to go out in public a lot and show off my new self. But I don't really see the change yet. I don't feel I've lost enough yet. And then I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window and am shocked that I don't look different.
Self image is still askew. I denied how MO I really was, why wouldn't I deny how much better I look?
I continue the behavioral therapy I started preop, and hopefully I can get healthy on the inside too!
DS:9 yrs old / DD:5 yrs old / DS: 1 yr old
on 9/6/08 6:33 am
I've always said I need to get counseling.......