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I hate my fat self...NOW?

StarvingArtist
on 9/5/08 7:27 pm - In my Studio

My highest weight was 253 and I'm 5'6". I didn't like being fat, but I didn't hate myself for it. I have a big heart, I'm a good friend and wife, and I simply love my life. I'm thankful for each day, and I am blessed with people to love. Being fat hurt, and it was not how I wanted to be, but it didn't define me or ruin my self-esteem. Then.... 

I had RNY on July 28th, 2008, and so far I've lost enough weight to drop a size in jeans and tops. I lost 30 pounds and then stopped weighing myself. I didn't want to get too caught up in the weight thing...not this early out. It's not healthy for me.

And the other day I went out to do some shopping for minor things, at Target, and I went by the clothes area. I love shopping for clothes, and I'm looking forward to when I can enjoy that more on a thinner body. But, for now, I thought I'd look for some jeans to wear when the ones I have now, get too loose. I tried some on...and I was shocked at how much, and how quickly, I loathed that fat on my body. I left that fitting room, and the store, hating myself, hating the fat, and feeling ashamed at how I looked. I am so shocked this came out of me...I mean, I'm at least 30 pounds lighter...but all of a sudden I'm humiliated by my weight and I feel mentally tortured by my weight. I feel like I don't want to leave the house until I'm thin enough to be seen.

How crazy is that? NOW I decide I hate the fat. NOW it hurts my self-esteem and makes me question everything I once knew about myself.

Has anyone else struggled with this kind of thing...being more upset by your fat AFTER wls?


(thank you for reading this...sorry to ramble on so much)

Cindy O.
on 9/5/08 7:41 pm - Bryan, TX
I understand.  It works both ways, that body dysmorphia.  For me, I have a mental image of "what I look like" and it has never been what I actually look like at any given stage of my life. 

And you bring up a question from me about trying on the new jeans.  Did you try them on in the store dressing room, you know the one with the distortion mirrors that have special lighting that would make Angelina Jolie look like Joan Rivers?  Those lights???  Geez and crackers, I'd rather change in the aisle between clothes and then walk over to a mirror outside of the torture booth.  Hell, last time I was in Dillards, I found a BLACK HAIR growing on the underside of my chin.  MY CHIN  aaarrrrgggghhhhh.  Why hadn't firends or family told me?  Don't they love me enough to tell me aabout sprouting hairs???!!!

OK, back to you issue.  How did the new jeans fit?  Did you like the way you look in them, or was it just the distorted reflction from the mirrors from hell?

I always say, I look great in my clothes, when pre ops ask me about excess skin after a 100+ lb loss.  Gets a giggle out of theml

OK, now answer my questions quickly, Mr Ambien is singing sweetly in my ear!.\\
Cindy
magnet






I do not give medical advice.  I offer my opinion, nothing more. 
sassypants247
on 9/5/08 7:48 pm
Yup....I could have written this myself.  I look at myself now and think that I look worse than I did before surgery.  Hows that for screwed up?  Now, if I get on the scale and it says I gained a pound I get so freaking mad and want to cry.  However, preop if I gained a pound I would just say "oh well...that sucks!" and go about my day.  Now....its like my whole life revolves around what size my clothes are, what number the scale says and if anyone has noticed if I have lost weight or not.
(deactivated member)
on 9/5/08 7:51 pm
I have not had surgery yet but I am baffled by this as well.  I have been "fine" with my body for quite some time but ever since starting the wls process I have felt disgusted by my body.  It has been effecting my mood and level of activity. 

I hope you feel better and that you can remind yourself daily that you are making a huge change in your life and are getting healthier. 

Good luck,
Amanda
(deactivated member)
on 9/5/08 7:58 pm - Big Sky Country, ID
Hey Rita, we started at exactly the same weight, except I'm a little taller.  I felt exactly the same way when I was losing weight, & there are days I still feel that way about myself.  It's stupid, but it's real.  Somewhere inside me lives a fat girl that I think has taken up permanent residence there.  It's body dysmorphia, & it's real....so every morning I get on the scale to assure myself that it is strictly "the inner me" that isn't relating to the new me.  It's been some trip for sure, but one I would take again in a heartbeat.  Hope you start feeling really good soon.
snicklefritz
on 9/5/08 8:10 pm - Cincinnati, OH
Don't forget too your hormones might be going out of whack now from losing weight n that also maybe affecting how you are feeling about yourself

aspmg5
on 9/5/08 9:15 pm, edited 9/5/08 9:16 pm - Kenai, AK
I feel the exact same way. I'm 5'11 and I  started at 347. The last time I weighed myself I was 280 (I'm staying off until my 4 months). That's 67 lbs. However, I think I look worse now than before. Does that make any sense? Could I actually appear more fat now? I don't know. :/


Wild Rose
on 9/5/08 9:51 pm - Lake Forest, CA
I don't understand this phenomenon.  I feel "fatter" now after surgery that I ever did before surgery.
nwgirl123
on 9/5/08 10:26 pm - This side of crazy

Totally get it. I think for me it has something to do with the facts that pre-op I never weighed myself, never took pictures, never bought clothes expecting them to look nice (they were just functional and needed to cover my backside when I sat down), and just never really cared about my appearance in general. I mean, I did my makeup and hair, and my clothes always looked fine, but it's not the same as it is now.

Now that I can wear clothes that actually look decent on me, I am sometimes consumed with how bad I still look. I've lost almost 80 pounds, but now that it's coming off, I want to be smaller and smaller and smaller and all I can see is the fat. I don't understand it at all, but it can be discouraging.

I remember when I took my 3 month pics, I'd just gotten back from the doctor and had lost 50 pounds and was so excited. Then I took my pics and was like "WTH"? I'm still fat! A little smaller, but still fat. Damn that was a bad couple of days.

Today though, I am happy with how I look. Don't know how tomorrow will go though. LOL!

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." Ayn Rand



310 / 128 / 160
SW / CW / GW

Mommy O.
on 9/5/08 11:38 pm, edited 9/5/08 11:41 pm

Maybe you had some repressed feelings that came out on that day?

 

I'm sorry, i know it could come off as insulting to suggest that but I just know that we have certain defense mechanisms that play tricks with our emotions. And this is the first thing that popped into my head.

A lot of people express their frustration through self destructive behavior like over eating or cutting and some use self preserving behavior, they look at the bright side of their lives all the good things, how lucky they are and they convince themselves they are happy with all of including their unhealthy weight.

Before surgery maybe you felt like you had no control and no hope so why should you care? It is what it is.. why be tortured by it?

After surgery you have all the hope in the world and you expect results! So of course you feel let down when you don't see those results soon enough.

But i could be WAY off..

 

  

ahs
on 9/6/08 12:32 am - Newton, MA
I know that I had become very practiced about avoiding mirrors. I cannot recall the last time that I even purchased clothing in a store much less used the dressing room.  Perhaps some of what you are feeling can be attributed to simply looking in the mirror in one of the most unflattering locations. You've done wo well with 30 pounds. It took me 8 months to lose 30 pounds on the pre-op diet. I'll bet you feel better and that counts for a lot.

Spencerb52
on 9/6/08 5:36 am
Yes, yes and yes! I went from a size 24W to 18 and in theory that's great, right? So I buy a pair of Old Navy sz 18 jeans and didn't take the time to try them on (still not over the dressing room fears that came from fatter days). I was so excited, washed and dried them, tried them on and they didn't go past my thighs!!

I was so angry and disgusted with myself. I piled the clothes back in front of my bureau mirror and hung my head in shame.

Logically, I know clothing mfgs are all different and there is no true size 18. But that did little to take away my disappointment.

My DH wonders why I don't want to go out in public a lot and show off my new self. But I don't really see the change yet. I don't feel I've lost enough yet. And then I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window and am shocked that I don't look different.

Self image is still askew. I denied how MO I really was, why wouldn't I deny how much better I look?

I continue the behavioral therapy I started preop, and hopefully I can get healthy on the inside too!

Jo
DS:9 yrs old / DD:5 yrs old / DS: 1 yr old

"Life must be understood backward. But it must be lived forward." -Soren Kierkegaard-
thirdact
on 9/6/08 6:33 am
I think this is totally normal.  Pre WLS at 5'1" and 242 pounds, I was totally free in my body.  I didn't have body issues . . . I wore the cutest pants suits I could find and popped into my swimming suit without a thought.  I think I had on my "wall of fat" so what did it matter?  Mostly, I just wanted to make sure I was making the most of my life.  Ironically, with over 100 pounds off, I now have all sorts of body issues.  Suddenly, I notice that my body is pair shaped and my thighs are too round.  I think it is actually progress to be back in touch with the reality of our bodies . . . and am working to not translate this into a positive connection.  One thing I've been doing is making a point of looking at women's bodies and mentally celebrating what is beautiful and unique about them.  I have discovered that there are women I think are beautiful and natural who have buldging thighs (from biking not eating) or are thin but also have pair-shaped bodies (maybe this is God's design not MY flaw . . . ).  It seems to be helping.  At any rate, I think it's good that you are reconnecting to your body . . . and now need to find the love!  Good luck.  Kelly
Check on it!
on 9/6/08 11:30 am - Pearland, TX
RNY on 04/17/06 with
I'm over 100 pounds down from my heighest weight and go through that everyday.  People always wonder why I take face pics and rarely full body pics.......I HATE the way I look . I feel like I'm looking at the same person, but a smaller version.  Almost like I'm a smaller fat person? 

I've always said I need to get counseling.......

RNY on 4/17/06 - 302/150/160 5'7 1/2" tall