Marriage Destroyed

Let me tell you my story. My wife had gastric bypass surgery in November or 2007.  I completely supported her decision to go this drastic route due to her high blood pressure, sleep apnea, extreme fatigue with physical activity, and her extreme displeasure with her apearance. She is 5ft. 2in. and was at that time 230 pounds. Her post-op course went without a hitch physically, but mentally/psychologically, over the following months she became more cold and harsh. The intimacy in our marriage suffered related to the tension growing between us. Each time I attempted to discuss issues or feelings I was having, a typical response from her was to ignore it or simply tell my that I was too sensitive. Eventually she began spending more time out in the evenings with "the girls", which I supported fully, backed with the unending trust she had built during our 19 year marriage.Exactly one year after her surgery, after losing over 110 pounds and looking fabulous, she came to me and explained that she no longer loved me, admitted that during the preceding few months had very much enjoyed the company and attention of other men, and wanted to be free, young, and wanted to play and be with other men.  Of course this was devastating and I spent the next couple of months trying desperately to win her back, blaming myself. I still loved her very much and wanted our life together back. Unfortunately that is never to be. She has taken a steady boyfriend and enjoys living the life of a single woman "on the town" even though we are still married (however, not for much longer).
We have 3 children who have been shoved to the back of her priority list behind her new life and boyfriend. All this from the former "PTA mom" who would have walked through fire for her kids, and devoted wife. I really don't know who this new person is, and frankly, she's not someone who I care to get to know. Gastric bypass surgery destroyed my marriage!
  I'm sharing this story in hopes that I can spare someone else from the same fate. I still believe that gastric bypass is a good choice for some. However, I stongly suggest personal and marriage counseling long before and long, long after your surgery. Please don't end up like me. Don't take anything for granted. I truly believed that the bond we had could truly survive any test. I was dead wrong. Don't think this can't happen to you. That's exactly what I thought.

Sorry to hear your story, but I don't thing GB is the cause.  You have to realize that millions of people have had the surgery without giving up thier marriage.  There must have been a lot going on inside her long before gastric bypass.  It is always sad when someone is hurt, especially kids.  Take care and good luck, sorry this happened to you.   

I am so sorry this happened to you.  Same thing happened to a guy I worked with, I beleive WLS does have a effect on marriages.  Just not all marriages.  My husband and I both have had WLS, our marriage has never been better.  I do wish you best of luck in your life.  They do say WLS can be hard on a marriage.

My heart goes out to you and your children, but I agree with the previous poster.  Gastric bypass was not the cause.  She obviously had some issues she should have dealt with before having surgery.  In fact most surgeons, and  almost all insurance companies require a psychological evaluation as part of the approval process for surgery.  Food is an addiction, and the risk for transferring that addiction to something else is high, but the underlying problems are there before surgery, and should be dealt with before surgery.  I pray that your wife gets the help she needs, and that you and your children are able to live as normal a life as possible in her absence.  Be strong for your kids, and if and when she comes around, (my aunt did a similar thing about 20 years ago, and then suddenly decided that she wanted her kids back after a year of her playing, and wanted to pretend that nothing had happened, but she had not had weight loss surgery)  think of the children first, and what's best for them, and not about your own loss.  As a mother of 3 children myself, I can only imagine she must be struggling with some real demons given that she could abandon her children.  Take care!

My marriage is stronger because I am stronger and like me better...  They say that WLS can make a good marriage better.  They also say that it can make a bad marriage worse...  So, if you go into this with a marriage that truly is strong, you should be fine.  But, if there are problems (even those you don't know about because someone is hiding them or is really not aware of them), then those problems can be exacerbated by the surgery and our individual response to the effects of the surgery.

I'm really sorry that your story is what it is...
Best wishes for the future.  I hope you find someone new to love!
Lea

Sounds to me your wife had some hidden desires deep inside of her that were released by having the surgery.Maybe she didn't get much attention from guys when she was in high school
and is now getting high from all the attention. Give her time, she'll probably come to her senses when she realizes that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Keith, WLS did not destroy your marriage your wife (and to some extent you) did.  With WLS comes many many changes that so many can not foresee, dealing with a new image, dealing with the old stigmas, finding the new "you" inside and realizing that new you is quite sexy and attractive despite the fact it is really the same person that was always inside the fat body.  Some people can not handle the attention or the attractions that come with that and many better half's fail to work through it with their spouses (this goes for both men and women).  Even down to changing your entire "for fun" lifestyles and things you do as a couple...since the things she never did or were uncomfortable doing as a fat person are now very fun and rewarding in more ways than one.  Especially if she has been obese all her life-she has no idea how to cope with any of this nor do you.  Counseling may have helped, but it sounds like she has many more issues regarding her self esteem and self worth that even marriage counseling won't help.  I am sorry you are going through this, and your kids as well.

I am sorry to hear about your marriage.  I tend to agree with the other poster who stated that something was going on inside her.  Obesity is often a sign of a lack of self esteem and confidence.  Although obese people say there was never a lack of self esteem or confidence prior to weight loss, so many times actions show differently.  They often end up doing things they would not have had the courage to do before.

Without knowledge of your relationship prior or her side, I can only say again, I am sorry for the loss of your former life.

One of the very first things that were told to my husband and I were to keep the lines of communications open.  To work together, that almost half of marriages end up in divorce after WLS.  Being big all my life, I can relate to having a totally different life after the WL, however my husband married me for who I am now, not for who I am going to be then. We have a strong marriage and twin baby girls!
If anything, we plan to work together, be healthier together, etc and make our marriage stronger!

Good luck to everyone who has this very issue to face.  Keep faith, and talk about and do everything together!

My weight problem did not start until years after my marriage.  Before I was married, I had many boyfriends.  Before and after marriage, I always had tons of male attention at work and  when I went out.

I was surprised after I gained weight how men reacted to me as a buddy but not as a sexually desirable female.  It is something in the way men are hard-wired that they react differently to a 26 inch waist then they do to a 38+ inch waist.

I now have the figure back that I had at 18.  The male attention is also back.  I have no intention of cheating and just find the whole male reaction to be interesting. 

For a woman who had never had all that male attention, losing weight would be a very heady experience.  It is very possible that your wife is thinking that her choices for a mate were limited because she did not have a lot of choices.   What she is doing is stupid and short-sighted.

She will find out that what she is getting now is empty.  The boyfriend who accepts a woman deserting her husband and kids is not a person of sterling character.  He is probably someone with his own relationship problems and they are sharing their miserable lives together.  That relationship will end and your wife will be back wanting to be a PTA mom again.

As a good man, a good husband, and a good father you deserve better.  I would advise you to see a lawyer and get rid of her as quickly as possible.  You can do it now, or you can go through years of reconciling and then being betrayed again.   For your wife, it will be an exciting game to see you grovel, beg, and promise her things to make her happy.  She will be getting the same attention from her current or future boyfriends.  It is like having a diseased body part.  It will not get better and it will make the rest of your body sick.  It will hurt terribly to have it amputated, but you will heal afterwards.