OT: How to tell someone they are verbally/emotionally abusive

on 8/5/11 10:38 am
So I have a friend who thinks her boyfriend of 15 years is verbally/emotionally abusing her.  He has never hit her physcially but sometimes feels he is abusive in other ways.  Examples: over board jealousy, always feels if she doesn't answer the phone she is doing something with the opposite sex, argues over small things over and over again, makes her feel guilty for going places and wants exact times of when she will be home, makes threathening statements in arguments about leaving the relationship if she does not change whatever it is he feels is not right.  She does not even have a facebook account anymore because of him.  I don't know what to tell her anymore.  She wants to tell him that it is him that needs to change but does not know how to do it without setting him off.  And I have made sure that he has not physically hit her... any advice?
on 8/5/11 11:02 am
Yup, that's abusive all right.  He will not change.  She can talk till she's blue in the face, but people don't change unless they have really profound reasons to, usually having to do with self-preservation (like people who quit drugs and alcohol, that kind of change).

Her only choices are to stay and risk escalation into physical abuse, or leave. 

Height 5' 7"   High Wt 268 / Consult Wt 246 / Surgery Wt 241 / Goal Wt 150 / Happy place 135-137 / Current Wt 143
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on 8/5/11 11:17 am
Your friend needs to run,... RUN as fast as she can from this asshole.  No time to spare, no time to wait.... RUN as far away from him as she can.

He's controlling her by the withdrawl of "love" and pouting etc etc etc.

Google verbally abusive relationship signs/symptoms.  There's enough info out there... NO need for her to stay in this ****
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on 8/5/11 11:19 am
Pick your surgery first, then your surgeon. Not the other way around.  
PS:... Potato chips should be a food group.

I'm tired of screwing with that damn health widget.
 I've lost 125 pounds to date!!!!
   And I'm UNDER 190 now!!! 
Dave Chambers
on 8/5/11 11:21 am - Mira Loma, CA
RNY on 05/10/06 with

Your post sounds like a "statistic waiting to happen".  Extreme jealousy, seemingly stalking behavior and the instance that he is only right are a recipe for a very poor relationship and probable physical harm to your friend.  He is not likely to change. She is going to have to make the decision to leave, WITHOUT telling him.  Too many statistics about women saying they want to leave an abusive relationship, and they end up in the hosptial or worse. DAVE

Dave Chambers, 6'3" tall, 365 before RNY, 185 low, 200 currently. My profile page: product reviews, tips for your journey, hi protein snacks, hi potency delicious green tea, and personal web site.
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on 8/5/11 11:43 am
Definitely verbally and emotionally abusive.  He's holding her hostage by controlling her every move.  It's just a matter of when (not if) before he takes it to the next level.  He will eventually snap.  She needs to get into some counseling, get some money stashed away and get out as soon as possible.

on 8/5/11 12:31 pm - FL

This guy sounds like my EX-husband, who became and Ex for BS exactly like this.

If he has not physically abused her yet, I'm predicting it will simply be a matter of time.

You can tell your friend that he is not going to change.  He is who he is.  Regardless of what we would like to believe, "men" like this one do not change because this is not a bad habit, it's a psychological flaw that would need some intense therapy to correct.

You friend needs to dump this guy; however, I would also predict that if she tries he may end up stalking her...

on 8/5/11 2:23 pm - Athens, GA

Sad as it is, it would probably do no good to talk to her. If she has allowed him to treat her this way for 15 years, chances are she's just gonna stay and continue to take it. U can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.




on 8/5/11 4:33 pm
I agree with Maria 100%.  I have seen way too many women with men that they say are emotionally abusive but they never leave.  Fear of being alone, finances, being so beaten down that they can't imagine life without him, all kinds of reasons.  I lost my best friend because all she did was complain about her boyfriend, who was a dick, but whenever I suggested she leave she always had an excuse.  Then she would avoid me because I didn't like him.  I didn't like him because of the things she told me about him.  I just don't have the patience for a person that allows themselves to be treated badly when there are options out there.
I left in the middle of the night with 2 small kids with just the clothes on our backs, to get away from an abusive alcoholic.  I had called a women's help line and they got me to a shelter, where I told my kids we were on an adventure.  I had to leave my job because the shelter was so far away, I had no money, no clothes, no furniture, nothing.  Things worked out and I decided then and there to never put myself and my kids into that kind of position again.  I haven't live with a man since (that was 12 years ago).  I have had the same boyfriend for years and believe me, if he talked to me like that he would be an ex boyfriend.  I expect to be treated the same way I treat him.
Good luck but I would stay out of it.  Maybe if she didn't have someone she could vent to, she might take some steps to better her situation.

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on 8/6/11 9:07 am - OH
I doubt there is any way she can tell him that he needs to change without setting him off.  Sounds like just about everything sets him off, so I'm sure that would, too.

There's nothing for you to tell her except that you don't think she deserves to be treated that way and that you will support her when she is ready to leave the abusive boyfriend.  Because nothing she does will make him change.  All she can change is herself.  She does not have to stay and continue to be abused.

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Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor.  Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me.  If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her.    Check out my blog.