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| Author | Message |
 DE Member Since: 11/15/11 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 7:52 am So I was talking to my husband yesterday about my WLS. I had surgery on 12/30/11, and have lost weight. Most people who have seen me have commented on my loss, and he has said nothing. In fact, he really never had an opinion or comment the entire time I was going through the process. His reponse was he sees me everyday, so he hasn't really noticed. I was bothered, but said nothing. Today I thought of an idea to celebrate when I get to onederland, and said, "hey, I should get a pedicure!" and he got all huffy and asked why he should be expected to pay for it. I then asked would he be willing to give me one? He said, "yeah ok, I guess." I then told him how I didn't really buy his excuse of seeing me everyday as a reason not to compliment me, and his response was, "I don't know how much you've lost. And besides, you just had surgery two weeks ago." I reminded him that it was 12/30, which is definetely more than 2 weeks ago. He then said I shouldn't expect him to reward me because I've lost weight, and he didn't know how much I lost. I'm at work, so I just turned back around in my chair until he left. I'm feeling really upset about this, I think he is being insensitive. Or am I being TOO sensitive? Thoughts, comments and gentle words right now are greatly appreciated. I can do this...I know I can. It's just going to take time & patience. "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." |
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 Member Since: 08/25/03 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 8:03 am I would just sigh and say, "Men!"  But c'mon, dude, how about a little friggin' support?Reward YOURSELF and take him out of the equation. Also, remind him of all this the next time he wants some "hanky panky" time.  PS: when I got to my goal, my husband sprang for a $300 tattoo. Tell your hubby to stop being a cheapass.  Over 8 years with my band and still knowing I made the right choice!  * Bette's blog: http://thatcrazytattooedbaldbroad.wordpress.com/ * Follow me on Twitter @BaldbroadBette * Friend me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/Cre8TV |
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DE Member Since: 11/15/11 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 8:09 am Haha, you know his nickname is cheapass actually... and oh yeah the next he wants to some sack action he'll be going solo! I can do this...I know I can. It's just going to take time & patience. "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." |
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Member Since: 08/25/03 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 8:13 am Hand him some lotion and tell him that it's NOT for the manicure.  Over 8 years with my band and still knowing I made the right choice! * Bette's blog: http://thatcrazytattooedbaldbroad.wordpress.com/ * Follow me on Twitter @BaldbroadBette * Friend me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/Cre8TV |
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DE Member Since: 11/15/11 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 8:16 am  Amen! I can do this...I know I can. It's just going to take time & patience. "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." |
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 WA Member Since: 06/23/11 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 9:25 am I understand. My hubby doesnt say anything. It did bother me at first but then I realized that a) yeah, he does see me every day so it may be hard for him to notice (partly cause he is a man and is oblivious) b)I have a hard time even seeing it myself so why do I expect others to c)I am damn proud of myself. I dont need his acknowldgment to validate me. I need to do that for myself. Bottom line, dont stress about it. At 3.5 months out my husband still hasnt said anything but I can tell he notices when I am wearing smaller clothes. And... I FEEL SO DAMN GOOD THAT I JUST DONT GIVE A ****! My Confidence is climbing by the day. Give it a few weeks. Carrie HW: 334/Preop Appt W: 328/SW: 313/CW: 222  preop: 21lbs, month 1: -28lbs, month 2: -16lbs, month 3: -18lbs, month 4: -11lbs, month 5: -11lbs, month 6: -7lbs, month 7: ? |
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 NearHouston, TX Member Since: 08/24/10 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 9:48 am I can relate! I don't know if it's just men or that they don't notice because they see us everyday. I used to hate coming home after getting a haircut and have him not notice! I used to change my hair color for a while just to see if he would say anything LOL. It IS early on for you since you barely had your surgery little more than a month ago. They say most people that see you everyday won't notice until you lose at least 50 lbs. that's when I started getting more comments...especially my favorite one when my hubby FINALLY noticed: I was getting dressed for work one morning when he walks into the room as I am bending over to slip on my socks when he whistles and says: oooooooh what a little butt!!! He now playfully calls me LB. 
 5.25cc in a 10cc lapband (three fills) 1 unfill of .5cc on 5/24/11 "The True disaster is living the life in your mind and missing the one in front of you." - Geneen Roth |
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 Pequannock, NJ Member Since: 10/24/05 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 12:17 pm Hi there, Mommy! Part of me wants me to tell you to yell at him for being an insensitive oaf but, since I am 6 years out of WLS and have a longer-term perspective on your husband's insensitivity, I will share my more modest opinion... ;) You took the most important step possible to improve your health. And, in the first 18 months post WLS, you will become very self-centered. You SHOULD become very self-centered. You should be your own champion...your own advocate and you should make all the time in the world for yourself. Because, having taken such a drastic measure to improve your health, YOU should be your own first priority (aside from your kids...but you know what I mean). But your husband does not have this frame of mind. I have learned...and it was learned with great sadness...that people have a VERY hard time when their loved ones lose weight...even if they do not have a weight problem, themselves. Your husband, family...friends...they have all known you a certain way for (what I am guessing is) a long time. When you lose weight, your confidence rises and, bit by bit, you change who you are (which is a GOOD thing!). As a result, your relationships change...your "place" in other people's mind changes...and people have a hard time with that. In losing weight, I have lost friends. I know (far too many) people who have lost spouses. If you try to keep communication open with your loved ones, you should be okay. I would recommend having a good long talk with your husband about your journey...help him to not feel threatened. Hopefully he will then more easily accept the beautiful new you. If he doesn't, THEN tell him to go to hell! ;) GOOD LUCK on your journey!! Hugs, Jersey Mom  Height: 5'10" Current BMI: 27.5 (Overweight) |
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DE Member Since: 11/15/11 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 3:31 pm You know, I had heard what you're saying before. My marriage counselor even mentioned it to me one week, and to him. She told him that it was very important that he stay connected and communicate, but unfortunately my husband is a LOUSY communicator. I guess for now I will just try and not let it bother me, and speak up when it does, but boy is it hard! I sometimes feel that if someone were to hit on me, somehow it would be my fault anyhow. Even if I didn't want to extra attention. Problem is, he knows how emotionally starved I am, one would logically think he would try his best, but I guess to him his best differs from what I consider his best. Eh. Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I think tonight is going to be a long, long night  I can do this...I know I can. It's just going to take time & patience. "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." |
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 Member Since: 07/30/04 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 7:23 pm Has he always been an asshole or is this new? I hope the divorce is amicable, because it's coming. |
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DE Member Since: 11/15/11 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/3/12 7:47 pm Not always, and while it isn't "new" per se, it has been going on for a few months now. The thing that drives me nut is how he is afraid to open up. Knowing his family history I can see why, but shee****'s so frustrating. I can do this...I know I can. It's just going to take time & patience. "Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." |
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 Eugene, OR Member Since: 11/11/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/4/12 12:27 am It's the Y (chromosome) or, possibly, testosterone poisoning. Most men have it. Most men just don't notice changes. He's most likely used to you at your starting weight, and isn't that interested in your progress. You're going to be changing. Many men are not comfortable with change. What if you start looking all sexy and hot and decide that you don't want him any more? It could be really scary for him. Plus it's even scarier that he doesn't know that acting like a jerk will just make it worse. Cut him some slack, expect him to say nothing. If he still gets huffy and acts like an ass, cut him loose. Success supposes endeavor. - Jane Austen  |
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 Canada Member Since: 07/31/08 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/4/12 8:03 pm Thinking on your situation, and personalizing it, my husband made no comments On my body size when I was (still am) overweight. Given that, I think it makes sense that his comments would remain few and far between with respect to my smaller body. The size of my body has never been a topic of conversation for him, or a focal point, so why would it suddenly become one? Maybe it's the same with your husband? Maybe he's able to see beyond the "physical" you? Now, given that you're clearly fishing, he could throw you a bone and mention how lovely you look, but unless you've posted other things with respect to your marriage, I think it's a little alarmist and out of line to start forewarning you about an impending divorce. Are you being a little sensitive? Maybe. As for the whole manicure thing, it sounds like your husband was staying true to form in balking about you spending money on a manicure, given that his nickname is "cheapass", lol. I understand the inclination, but try not to seek external validation. And get you your manicure! |
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