I have a friend that has been less than supportive (but thinks she is being supportive) and I am not sure what to do about her.  Back story I am married and 43 she is single and in her late 30's so our priorities are a little different.  She still goes out to bars etc I am not into that and was not before surgery never mind now.  So I am trying to both be more active and find interesting things to do with friends that are not food related.  This weekend is a five mile walk to benefit a local police officers family who was killed.  I asked her if she wanted to do it and she said yes.  This has now turned into her inviting her work friends (that I do not know) to hang out at a bar so that we can meet up with them after.  Now never mind the fact that I am generally not interested in hanging at a bar and don't drink but after walking 5 miles I will be nasty and dirty!! So I tell her that I am not really interested in the plans after but have a good time.  She is now upset with me because "since your surgery you don't ever want to do stuff like that anymore"  I DID NOT DO IT BEFORE MY SURGERY!!!!!!!  I did not know how to respond!!  I could list other things that have happensince surgery but that would take forever.  What should I do?

Hi,
I am very proud of you for planning on doing the walk. Sounds like such a good cause. Wow.
It sounds like you are assessing your friendships pros and cons.
Happysmile

hmmm... time to find new friends.... sorry...

I think our relationship with ourself shifts so much after surgery, which leads to our relationship priorities shifting. Surgery itself doesn't cause the shifts, but it is a handy thing to blame.

So please stay true to yourself and what you need, and honor yourself. I've been making a lot of new friends.

What she said ^^^^^^

Just looking at this from another point of view here.  I could be totally wrong.  Did it occur to you that perhaps she's proud of your accomplishments and wants her friends to meet you?  She's going to be kind of icky after the 5k too.  Lots of people are icky at sports bars.  You could go, have a nice refreshing beverage with a twist of lemon or lime (plain water is great).  Then say, well, it's time for me to go home and hop in the shower.  Nice to have met you all!  When we're friends with people we sometimes do the things they want to do, instead of doing the things we want to do all the time.

That is one way to look at it and perhaps I will give that a try (see how I feel after walking 5 miles).  My only reluctance with this whole thing is other times she has let me down and things she has said.  I have tried hard to not be upset about things she has been doing but it is getting old.  I think that she is right that I have changed but only in the way that I am more focused on what is best for me and I say no more often than I use too.  I am doing that in all aspects of my life not just with her.  My work has really had to get use to the "new me"

 You might be overestimating how icky you'll be after a five mile walk.  Unless it's overly warm, that kind of icky is nothing that can't be solved with a change of clothes and a quick refresher in a restaurant/bar restroom.

You don't have to stay for a long time... but it would be a nice gesture to hang out for a few minutes after the walk to toast (with water) your achievement!

My friends and often go out for coffee or a beer after a race so I don't think her plans are that outrageous.

OTOH, if you don't have a lot in common with her, you might want to make some new friends who are more into what you are into.

I think that if you are friends, then you should definitely be able to talk to your friend about how you are feeling, about where you are in your new life with weight loss and your post op goals. If she wants to be along for the ride then great, but this doesn't  sound like a post op surgery problem. This sounds like a friend problem, and the surgery might be a handy excuse. Most times, emotions expressed are never really what they seem :)

You know what I get from this? That your friend has developed a serious drinking problem.

When "social" drinkers (which I'm not sure really exist) don't have anyone to drink with, they get anxious. When their drinking starts to get out of control (& take control of their lives), they want to make sure they have many drinking partners.

I've lost many "friends" who tried to cajole, threaten, pout, & trick me into going out to bars with them. There is nothing more NOT FUN than a drunk person or a bunch of drunk people you don't know.

I agree with another poster that you should go with your gut feeling on this. IMHO, if you've had WLS you should NOT be drinking ANY alcohol at all. Not even one drink.

Keep us posted. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching about "friend"ships too since my WLS.

I think you are making a bit of a jump to say this is an alcoholic. Many people go out this way without being problem drinkers especially if they are single and not all have issues.

Good point.

I'm one of those people that thinks no good can come from alcohol & I'm sure it shows in my posts. I come from a huge extended family who were / are raging alcoholics. I'm in recovery myself & the OP's description of her "friend" reminded me very much of my former self & my drinking "friends."

I agree. I love to socialize since I've lost weight. I go out with friends a lot and often it's to a bar. I have one drink which is what most of my friends get, too. None of us are problem drinkers.

Im gonna say it like this. A person who likes to drink wants others to drink so they dont feel bad about themselves.
I look at it this way I dont think shes proud of your accomplishments if she was she would NOT have invited others there. She would be more willing to support your new style verses hers.
Tell your friend only thing that has changed about drinking is you prefer bottled water over tap. Atrue friend would be more respectful of your NOT drinking.
BTW my husband and I just went thru this ourselves with a "friend" who is no longer that...
just remember this AA saying  a drunk doesnt want to drink alone cause they dont want to be alone in their drinking...

I don't think your friend is an evil drunk, and I don't think that you are a crazy health nut, but I do get the feeling that neither of you is getting much out of your relationship.  Sometimes we outgrow our relationships with others.  A friendship that served a purpose 5 years ago may not provide the same positive benefits now.  People grow, change and evolve.  Sometimes you just need to let people go and live your life without anger or assigning blame.