These words all come to mind when I think of my wls, once you lie on that table and they rearrange your insides you are forever changed.  Ocassionally I forget this fact, like last night we had a party for my bf's mom, she turned 60 and we had a big family dinner.  I was smart enough to eat right, some small pieces of the grilled steak, fresh corn and a few tablespoons of rice.  Great dinner, done, no issue.  So around 8pm out comes the cake, ice cream, Carvel traditional chocolate and vanilla with a fudge center.  I cut my own piece because I wanted it to be microscopic, 1/2 inch thick and maybe 2 inches long.  Yes it was good, yes I ate it all, yes I started gagging and making upchucking motions, I ran in the bathroom praying I could  puke it up, but never ever does that happen.  So I just stand there staring at the toilet bowl my head swimming, my stomach churning and my body shaking and I think yeah this is what wls is all about.  Now go suffer you dumb *****  Yeah honest true story.  I had to lay in bed perfectly quiet for over an hour to even be able to move my head without feeling queasy.  I have been perfect with my diet for a while now, no bad anything so I swear my body is even worse at handling sugar now then it was before.  When I recovered enough I drank an entire cup of ice tea. I was fine after that.  But really RNY is forever, there is no cheating, going back, days off, there is no good behaviour days, it is all business all the time.  And 99 percent of the time for that I am grateful, but occasionally I just want to be normal.  Nope not gonna happen.

Heidi
My thoughts EXACTLY
it's been what? about 5 or 6 years? and there IS no going back!  THANK GOD!
i wouldnt trade cake or icecream one time or ten thousand times for a reversal of my RNY!

yes - sometimes there are things i want to eat
and yes - sometimes i'm a dumb ***** and eat the wrong thing

which JUST reinforces the reasons why i HAVE to have my RNY - because if i know the consequence - and i do it anyway - just think how FAT i would be if i DIDNT have it!
WOW - hard to imagine!

thanks for being there all of these years to help me get through the rough patches

by the way - i have a question

i have terrible terrrible migraine headaches - and my natural health doctor who did my accupuncture (not my surgeon) suggested that i do a lemonade and cayanne pepper cleanse for a few days - just to see if i can "start over" and try adding back one food at a time - to help determine - if possible - what could be triggering these terrible headaches.

how long do you think i could fast? without having a protien insult? that would cause me to lose my hair etc?

i'm really liking the idea of the fast - but, i do NOT want to risk messing up

kf

Hmmm I would not just drop the protien from your diet, I love greek yogurt and I find it really does help pretty much everything digestive speaking, can you start with greek yogurt and try the other stuff he suggested.  A tip about lemons, I adore them, they are my fav and I eat a few every day, the consequence is the enamal on my teeth and my poor tongue suffers.  Its fine on my stomach but my mouth not so much, I cannot eat anything spicy because of it.  I started getting migraines last year, attributed to menopause, oh lovely, and I went on the pill to help, that just made the migraines worse.  I took myself off the pill a few months ago and the migraines seem to have stopped.

I wouldn't drop the protein too low, you will feel run down and your hair will really suffer.  Keep yourself at 60grams, its really not that hard especially with greek yogurt.

And I totally agree, if I didn't get so sick and know I would die if I ate a pint of Ben&Jerrys I would for sure and be huge once again.  I am thankful I get sick.  Which is really sad to have to feel that way but otherwise I couldn't do it on my own.  Thats why I worry about people who have VSG when they can eat more, what is gonna stop them from regaining all their weight in 5 or so years.

Good Luck

Those are sound words and something I'm taking into account.  This is definitely a forever decision.  I know this wasn't the point of your post, and you're probably going to roll your eyes at me, but indulge me for a minute.  :)  I hope you read this with the heart and sincerity with which it's meant.  I understand your meaning and motivation behind the words, but I flinched when you called yourself a "dumb *****"  You've done such wonderful things and hard work in caring for your body and creating a healthier you!  I can tell that you know there's nothing dumb about yourself.  I haven't had the surgery yet, but I've had enough therapy and psychiatric education for three lifetimes, and can tell you that negative self-talk is never rewarding, and is usually an old voice in your head from earlier times.  If I were standing next to you at that toilet at the moment, my words, at the very harshest, would probably be "you knew better than this," if even that.  It would probably be more like, "You're going to get through this.  Lesson learned, You don't want to repeat this mistake again."  Self-care is just as important in how you treat your emotions and spirit as it is to the rest of your body!  Again, this is meant with love because I've seen your pictures and read your posts, and you stand as an inspiration to myself, and I'm sure many other people who never say a word on this forum.

Oh no I will repeat the mistake again and it is a dumb ***** move, which I will say again when I repeat it.  Everyone can do dumb things, repeating them makes them even dumber, knowing you are going to repeat them.  Hmmmm what would the word for that be?  lol  

All these things were exactly why I had a DS -- these things don't happen.  4.5 years out, still 240# lost, 90+% of my excess weight GONE and I haven't even had plastic yet (but I am going to on Monday!!).  No self-loathing like Heidi has, either.  I love me DS life!!

 Ditto :). 

I don't believe for a second Heidi is "self-loathing. She likes to vent and she gets it out here. I'm sure that makes her feel better. She said she was thankful for her surgery. Why do you DSers like to think your surgery is so superior? We are all entitled to do our own research and make our own decisions. I am thrilled with my RNY. 

Laura

"go suffer you dumb *****".... not my words, Heidi's.  Believe what you want, and so will I.  I find that to be self-loathing.

I don't speak for "DSers", I speak for me, myself, and I.  I'm the only person that has had *my* experience, which is to never, not once, have an experience where I have had to deny myself ANY food choice, monitor what it is I eat, nor have I once told myself afterwords "go suffer you dumb *****".  If that isn't reason enough to feel the surgery (not mine, I didn't come up with it, I just had it), the statistics speak for themselves.

Absolutely people are entitled to their research and make their own decisions -- and if they wish to continue with self-loathing throughout their life and have a fear of food, continue to have this negative relationship with food throughout their life, then RNY is probably the way to go.  If they want to have the best chance of losing the largest % of ewl for the long haul, keeping the co-morbs at bay, enjoying a quality of life... well, they just may want to look into the DS.

Thank you for posting this.. I think of this too..often I hear comments from ppl who never had the surgery and the "normal" ppl who consider this to me a easy way out or cheating..like really ppl...they can cheat..take a few days off or months or just quit their diet..this is forever..no going back.. and we do suffer for taking a side track from our new life choices.. Pie, cookies, icecream.. I loved milkshakes... HA.. I can only smell them now and drool..LOL.. but.. I preferr to have this.. and it is NOT easy.. we go through withdraws, cravings, emotions..etc.. but I am glad I have the reminders..and to my surprise I did not have alot of withdraws or cravings.. heck my husband sat in my hospital room and ate a delicious hoagie while I was on liquids..he asked to go eat before even getting his meal..I told him to stay and eat..he should not hide because I am the one who changed. And the reminders we get..as you described..keeps me on my toes.. I am mostly to the rules and strict as I do what my surgeon and Nut guided me.. I get tempted..but.. I do not want to experience the dreaded dumping ( have once)..and I too sometimes just want to be normal.. be like the rest at a family function, join in on all the food tasting and enjoy everything.. but We are normal in our own way.. we are specially normal..lol.. yup business all time always..

For me it is the pact with the devil, I will give up eating what I love to not be MO.  He's keeping up his end so I have to keep up mine.  Otherwise I suffer.

 DEFINITELY NO GOING BACK! PERMANENT!!! FOREVER!!!! notice my exclamation points kept increasing ... I am holding those words true ...NO GOING BACK .... especially because I have choices .... and even so I slip up and my forever changed insides slap me back into my current reality ... I am changed ..forever ...

Last week for me was it prune juice ... I almost passed out after drinking the mess I don't even like for constipation issues.   Picture me dumping on a 1/2 cup of prune juice (which I KNEW may cause a problem but was taking a chance because of constipation) it was more a need than a want ... my ears and face started getting hot right away and the palpitations were almost immediate and were so bad with my heart racing like crazy add to that spells of dizziness and sweating and having to rush to sit down quickly with my head in my lap before passing out... then having to get up less than an hour later with severe abdominal cramps that finally landed me in the bathroom to do just what I drank the prune juice for in the first place but now with cramps from hell and with diarrhea whereas I was a bit constipated before I drank it ,, gotta love it ,, but I won't trade it for the world ... now I know to leave the darn prune juice alone ... I can eat 2-3 prunes to relieve myself without dumping go figure... it is a learning and accountability process every day..

All in all I just love it! and I am not going back ... whereas food temptation go I can look at temptation and think to myself 'nope, I will not wear you on my Bertha butt" LOL.... it is all good ...

I love those words..   DEFINITELY NO GOING BACK! PERMANENT!!! FOREVER!!!!  

It is all good that we can't go back, because we probably would go back, but some people don't understand how bad it can be.  You are I are both old timers with this surgery, and everyone thinks we should know better, and for the most part I do, but occasionally one sneaks up on me so I try to be more careful. 

I won't try prune juice because of the carbs, and I swear since I started eating greek yogurt, strawberries and nuts every single day, I don't have nearly as many bathroom issues at all.

 I KNOW I am not going back ... it took a heck of a lot for me to get here and I am most definitely not counting on dumping to keep me in check .. I tried to avoid it most of the times ... I run 5 miles or more 4x weekly .. I need some complex carbs right after a good run .. half a banana works but if I eat a whole one (not that I can with as good restriction as I still have) its hell to pay so I know when to stop.... I am not deprived at all ... I have awesome meals that now fits the entire household except my son he eats all that he sees and does not gain an ounce pretty much like my brother ... my daughter is carb conscious having decided not to have any type of wls she is going to continue doing her thing ... with her diagnosis of polymyositis just recently controlled she does not want a flare which her rheumatologist suggested might happen with any type of trauma this recently out ... so she eats what I do ... my DH is on a renal/diabetic diet for LIFE ... he has one transplanted kidney from a 15 year old donor (I call her his angel) and for the rest of his life he HAS to take care of that kidney in order to have a better quality and quantity of life ...just as he takes care of his transplanted organ I take care of my pouch my life my second change at a life without diabetes, hypertension, dyslipidemia, gastroesophageal reflux and sleep apnea that got me approved for surgery immediately ... I was on medications for all those conditions plus more and had not had an issue or taken any meds for them since being discharged from the hospital weeks after my surgery because of a post op complication...  I am enjoying every bit of it ... especially because I was a young adult when I came to this country weighing scant 98 pounds and I was able at my current weight to get into the suit my mom made for me to leave my country to come here all those years ago ... she made (she was an awesome seamstress) five outfits and I kept them all ... I could never part with them ... and I kept the nightgown she made me to ... girl it has soooooooooooo many holes in it but to be able to get back into it was just awesome ... it was an awesome way of celebrating the anniversary of my mom's death a few days back ... to think SHE ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT ME ... her ONLY CHILD to be morbid obese ... after leaving home go figure...

To each his own ... I for one have learned early in life to make do with what I have and use it to my utmost advantage and I am doing just that ... my mom was a prime example to us ... when awesome sewing machines were out she was sewing on her machine she had to pedal and she used to embroidery by hand and have us sew all the perfect hems ... why? because she figured that she could sacrifice a new sewing machine in exchange of all four of us going to private schools in the city ... I will always remember her ..with gladness ... and I will always learn something from all she thought us.. it is too bad it took this long to figure it all out ... it would have saved me a lot of headache and heartache over the years ... like the ex she warned me about ... and I did not listen either LOL ... then I remembered she said a hard head makes for a soft arse ... and she was right then too!

You have this down pat though... I know you are not counting on dumping only to maintain ... I have seen you post being a little bit up and turning it right around and getting right back on track ... YOU GOT THIS! keep on rocking it!

I hear ya! My husband has lost over 50 lbs. through diet and exercise (Yay for hubby, he looks great!!) and when I see him indulging in a Ring Ding or some pizza I sometimes get down. I physically can't do that and it can be frustrating. And it doesn't help to know that even if I could physically tolerate the "bad" foods, the whole reason I had the surgery is because I wouldn't indulge in ONE treat--I'd eat the whole box and then go looking for more. So yeah, this is forever and there is no going back. Most of the time I'm okay with it, but sometimes it can get me down. But I know there was no way to do this without surgery. I've dieted off 105 lbs. before only to gain back 120. Y'all know how it is.

Anyway, thanks for the post, Heidi. I love the way you keep it real!

Oh yeah I keep it real alright, no sugar coating the truth.  If I didn't have surgery to make me sick and miserble I would be MO just like I started out.  I need negative re-enforcement because even now I cannot trust myself on my own.  Sad but totally true.

(HUGS)... yea... been there. done that. Learned my lesson. Still learning ...

And you are so right - when you do "clean diet" even a small portion of what your body consider "a poison" may make us so sick.  And when we think back - we did that before...and never realized how bad for us the food was. 

Honestly I really thin**** cream is the work of the devil.  And it has always been my favorite thing on earth.  Did you see Ben&Jerrys stock drop when I had wls.  lol

Heidi, I don't post much, I normally read and go on my way, guess some call it lurking.  My biggest weakness is sugar.  Today I had a slice of white cake (my most favorite thing in the world) and guess what. Nothing happened.  Sugar makes me sick even though I had a VSG.  Well, it didn't make me sick and I went back for more.  Only this time I had chocolate. OMG!  10 minutes later, I was sweating, thinking if I could make it to the ladies room, I would be OK.  That _____ cake came up, it was violent.   It splashed all over my slacks, cleaned myself up, went back to my desk, drank a glass of unsweetened tea and some water. An hour later I was fine, but it was the most miserable hour I have spent (certainly couldn't do any work), ................. since the last time. I know I will do it again. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Hi Heidi: Oh your words could have come out of my mouth! I remember as a teen drinking until I puked and with head spiinning stomach churning yelling I'm never ever gonna do this again! Well tune in to the next weekend when all my friends were going out again -guess who did it all over again? You guessed it! Moi!!
I think in a way my WLS journey is alot like that.  I want to so be normal.  I want to be able to sit at a party and have cake & ice cream and darn it I will!! ****il like you, I can't breath because I have pain in my pouch, or the shakes or whatever happens when you eat what you are not supposed to!
I love your posts!! I so enjoy them.  You are honest and tell things like they are or at least how you feel.
I like you seem to just want to be normal but do have to remind myself what my normal is now.  Thanks as always for your wonderful posts - Mary