Feeling utterly disgusted with myself...

So...February 2008 I was 315 pounds at 5'9" going into surgery.

by April 2009 I'm down to about 135...

 

today...end of August 2014... I'm at 265 again...I have to do something to stop this. A mere 50 pounds away from my preop weight.

 

i really want to blame all the stress and changes in my life but I'm just lazy...

late 2009 I started having flashbacks to childhood abuse...triggered I know by things in the husband and my relationship. It continued to get worse. November 2010 I was around 150 pounds. I tried to kill myself...relationship stuff just too overwhelming...til death do us part, right?

 

between sept 2010 and October 2011, I had 5psychiatric hospitalizations...two of which were for actual attempts. At some point he started raping me.

 

july 2012 I left him. 6 months later moved three states away without my kids bc he wouldn't let them come until school was over. 

Feb of this year (2014) I went out with a man...on date #3 he raped me.

its like one thig after another after another after another...

 

I need to lose at least 100 pounds. My surgury didn't fail me...I failed it.

Annie,   You are a brave woman to have lived through the experiences you have been enduring for the past few years.  Sometimes our coping strategies involve food, but it doesn't seem like you failed yourself, yet found an way to live through your tough time.     In my opinion- perhaps you should consider working with a life or health coach that can support you with implementing the weight loss techniques you used post op, alongside a mental health professional that can help you with developing new coping strategies to change your current habits and to prevent gaining the weight again.   I wish you much success!

Please don't blame yourself for the horrible things that happened to you.  I hope you will find someone to talk to professionally in order to cope with these things.

There is no shame in getting help.

And yes, getting some moral support in your efforts to re-lose your weight is a good plan.  Maybe Weigh****chers might be helpful?  I know I've read here that it has helped others.  And definitely restart your exercise--it is known to relieve depression, and you've definitely got a reason for depression.

Keep trying, and check in here for a rooting section. 

You definitely have been through a lot - no one can deny that.  I hope you continue to get counselling.

You also mention being "lazy".  Working you WLS tool may give you a feeling of " control" and lift your spirits.  Take the time to "make it work".  You are worth the effort and deserve to feel better.

Good luck to you.  I hope things improve.

 

You have failed nothing.  Every single day that you wake up and face the day is a day that you are a strong and successful person.  You should be very proud of yourself for surviving all that you have and, now, for reaching out to find support to help you get to where you want to get.  Seriously, I applaud you, I doubt that I would be even half as strong as you are in this position.  

I agree with the recommendations for seeking help.  Are you able to see a therapist?  Are you able to do any sort of intensive out-patient treatment?  Do you have family nearby who can help you?  Do you have friends to support you?  Work on building up a great support network and bolster that with professional help as much as you're able to.  Are you and your children in a safe place now?  

Like they said, stay with a therapist. If the one you are seeing isn't helpful, find another--one you can bond with. SO very important for someone with your sad experiences. Also revisit in your mind the great feeling that being in control of your body and weight gave you. WANT it again. Your therapist, if she/he is good, should help get you there. You have to forgive yourself, as those experiences were NOT your fault. Take care and keep up with this forum for encouragement.   

Oh Annie - I want to hug you so bad!

I, too, survived rape long ago, 15 yrs before wls.  I cannot say that was the reason for my morbid obesity for I was at least a size 16 then.  It does things to your mind, you self confidence for your safety as well as self-worth.  I had the fortune of a stubborn streak though.  It was like after a few months after the rape, I woke up and told myself "Nobody will live rent-free in my head ever again".  I swear that this epiphany was when I started living again.  It's my way of declaring that I am regaining control again.  This has been my mantra ever since when encountering people that do me wrong.  It allows me to let go of things and take my life back.  

So today - work on this mantra:  Nobody will live rent-free in my head ever again

The key to survival (and that's what you're doing) is letting go of being a victim, to rape, or any kind of wrongdoing for that matter.  I've met many survivors in my life and I am in awe of what they have accomplished despite what has happened to them.   We inspire each other, and it's wonderful.  I've also met many victims that never let go  of that mentality, and they never could embrace happiness for very long.  It was very sad to see.  You have been through a lot, Annie, but you do have control over how you react to it.  Taking control is easier with practice, so when things start to feel overwhelming, repeat the mantra:  Nobody will live rent-free in my head ever again

Along with that, continue to get counseling to work through these demons.  You have a lot more power than you think.  You just need help with the owner's instructions.

Nobody will live rent-free in my head ever again

This is a wonderful mantra and an inspiring post.  It took time and therapy for me to get past the physical and mental abuse that had happened in my life.  For many years I just put it out of my mind and never dealt with it. I told myself that I am stubborn and a survivor. 

Then many years later it came back to haunt me and caused problems in other relationships.  Every rape and abuse survivor should see this post.  You helped me today and may have helped many others.

No one should have to endure all of the terrible things that have happened to you. You are a survivor.  I wish there was something I could do or say to help, but just know I am keeping you in my prayers and sending cyber hugs your way.

Annie you would most likely be surprised how many morbidly obese people have been raped or sexually molested in some way, male as well as female. Even sadder is many of them don't even remember it happening so have no idea what is causing their obesity unless they are able to work with a therapist. Learning to cope with the rapes will help with the weight loss so maybe focus on that more than the weight itself. The more you can come to terms with that the better you will be able to work on the weight. Remember every minute of every day that you are innocent of any responsibility in the rapes and they are very much responsible for the weight gain. God bless and keep loving yourself enough to fight for yourself!