Would like your thoughts on spouse

I (hopefully) will be having weight loss surgery soon.  My surgeon's office has just submitted my paper work for approval.

I was wondering if any of you have been with a spouse or partner that has ever put you down for your weight before having weight loss surgery.  And, also, did they change that behavior after seeing your success or did they still use that as one of the things to use against you?

I am concerned that my husband will still call me names related to being fat or say things like you had to have surgery to lose weight because you couldn't do it on your own....

I have suggested counseling for us both prior to weight loss surgery and he refuses.  I believe that he doesn't want to go because he knows that the things he has said to me, (in particular-the name calling), will come up and he will be ashamed of the things that he said to me.

I have little ones, so I don't want to leave my husband, but I don't want the kiddos to think that the way he talks to their mommy is normal either.  He was taking medication to help him sleep and he was a much more level headed person, but he stopped taking it because it made him too groggy.  I have suggested to him that he start taking it again, but then he gets very mad at me when I bring it up so I stopped.

My husband never put me down for my weight before we got married.  It was only after I had the kids and stopped working to stay at home and be a mom and raise my children that he started.  I have worked my entire life, since I was 13 years old.  We got married later in life and God has blessed me with two beautiful children that I had in my forties.

I am afraid that every time we have a disagreement the name calling will start.  Also, I read a lot of posts on here that everyone goes through mental and emotional changes after surgery and I just don't know if I will have support or help from him and I don't know if I am strong enough to heal and have the strength to deal with his issues as well.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I should handle this?

Thank you everyone on OH.  I am glad to know that you're all here 

I have been so very lucky with my spouse.  He has been very supportive in anything I wanted to do.

The only thing I can say is that don't do the surgery because of your spouse.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for your children, your health, your self esteem.  Your cannot fix anyone besides yourself.  I know you said that he will not go to counseling with you so go by yourself.  It may help at least to see how to deal with it. 

This reminds me of my exhusband.  I have been divorced for years now and am engaged and I just had my surgery last week. I agree with the previous post that you should make sure you are having the surgery for yourself and your future, and not because of his feelings about your weight. At that time of my life I was very depressed, my husband's opinions of me were damaging to my self esteem. Looking back I could never have begun this journey with that mindset. I think attending counseling for yourself would be a great idea. With the help of a therapist you will have a better feel of whether you can do this without his support. I would also not expect him to change. In my experience, people who put-down and name call have their own issues and will just switch to complaints or put-downs about something else. If you do proceed with surgery, set up a good support system for the first few weeks in case he isn't very helpful. Be in charge of your own path to success. 

Also, lots of hugs and love to you. I am sure it was difficult to write your post. I never wanted to admit some of the horrible things my husband would say to me about my weight. It was a deep secret that I kept. It is hard when someone you love is hurtful like that. Message me if you want to chat. 

such good advice!

Your husband is verbally abusive to you.  Losing weight won't make him stop being verbally abusive.  His abusive behavior is not about how much you weigh.  It's about him, not you.

Please, please don't allow your children to be exposed to their dad verbally abusing their mom.  I wish you wouldn't allow yourself to be exposed to it, either, but you have a choice in the matter.  Your kids don't.  Witnessing that is very harmful for kids.  I used to be a social worker and worked with a lot of kids that had witnessed some form of domestic violence or abuse.  It hurts kids.  Always.  Just witnessing it hurts kids and unfortunately, many men that verbally abuse their wives also verbally abuse their kids.

Yes, this. Every single word of this. 

this is so very true.  I am a child of parents who divorced way too late, when I was 22.  Now, at 58, I still feel the pain of being that little girl, sitting near the furnace vent upstairs, listening to the arguments, sitting at the top of the stairs, listening to their arguments, etc..  The pain never leaves, it just becomes "normal".  It is anything BUT normal.

Yeah.  What I saw happen was kids felt afraid, helpless, guilty for not being able to help their mom (even though they were just kids, so of course there was nothing they could do, and it wasn't their fault).  Girls often went on to date teenage boys that treated them badly, since that's what they were used to.  And they often thought that was normal, that it was OK.  Boys often began treating their girlfriends badly, because that's what they were used to and sometimes they thought it was normal.  Even if they knew it wasn't right, they were full of anger as a result of living with that kind of verbal abuse for so long.  Kids often became depressed and/or began to act out behaviorally, maybe at school, since they couldn't really express how they were feeling at home.

And think about that.  50 years later, sunshine still feels that pain.

Exactly what Kelly said.  I worked in the domestic violence field for years, with abusers and their victims.  Your husband is abusing you with his words and - believe me - your children will grow up and repeat the same behavior with you and others.  

I would highly recommend individual counseling for yourself.  I guarantee that your surgery and subsequent weight loss aren't going to make things better because his behavior is about his own insecurity and shortcomings.  Your success at weight loss is only going to highlight how bad he feels about himself.  And he'll take it out on you....

Hugs to you and your children as you figure this out.  

Thank you for saying what I was thinking!

Edited to add:  Also, being abusive and controlling is going to change once you are happier and more comfortable in your own skin.  It will be much harder for him to push you down so be prepared.  I hope you do seek help somewhere to help yourself be stronger and confident to know you do not need to be with him or deserve to be treated that way.  He has no respect for you.  --I grew up with a father that was abusive to my mom and me and had an ex husband that did this and treated me differently when I lost weight - hence the "EX" part :)