How to help your spouse with weight loss surgery

Hi

i am the spouse of a weight loss surgery person. My wife has struggled with weight for years. In 2010 she had the lapband surgery. She had lost 80 pounds but maintained that weight - no further loss. In late 2011 she became pregnant and we had put first child in 2012. Due to the birth and musical chairs with changing insurance companies (by my employer) we could not go any further. In 2013 after I got new insurance we went to a doctor who instead misled us in removing the lapband and the insurance denied it.

In 2014 we got ahold of the right doctor who was able to remove the lapband and do gastric bypass surgery. I forgot to mention in between surgeries my wife's wait went from 280 post lapband to almost 370. Since the gastric bypass there has been some ups and downs. On the upside, she lost almost 100 pounds. On the down side she got to 270 then remained stagnant. The doctor did several tests and found that the stomach expanded. This occurred because after the bypass last year my wife had complications. We wound up in the ER twice did to an ulcer fr the surgery and had several endoscopes done. While the ulcer healed the endoscopies expanded the stomach.

The doctor did a revision about 6 weeks ago and she has lost 20 pounds. While the doctor and myself have said she's doing great she is convinced she is not. For years she or keeps beating herself up, always puts herself down, has an answer for everything you say, no matter what I say she is in full convincement that she has failed. She won't listen to suggestions or ideas, won't go to support groups, won't make friends, won't reach out to anyone, and won't listen to the doctor. In fact she tells the doctor that it's been a failure.

I am reaching out to someone because I do not know what else to do anymore

Is your wife eating only dense protein with a small amount of low carb vegetables? Has she given up flour, sugar, pastas, bread, potatoes, rice, cereals and sweets?

Does she get at least 60 grams of protein every day and at least 64 ounces of water? Does she wait at least 30 minutes after eating to drink any fluids?

Is she getting regular exercise?

The surgery is only a tool. We have to work that tool and eat the foods that contribute to weight loss. Without the proper diet and exercise the weight will not come off.

For many people about 100 pounds is lost with malabsorption even if the diet is not followed. Then the weight loss stops.

Twenty pounds with revision is also a common result. There is no new malabsorption, just some restriction.

You can encourage her to eat the proper diet, but you cannot pressure her to do that or try to make her do it. People can only change when they genuinely want to do it for themselves.

I can tell you since the revisional surgery, we've had some physical problems. She couldn't eat because she was vomiting because she couldn't handle food. That since has gone away. She can now hold food down. The doctor is sending her for testing to see if there are any more complications.

She is claiming she can't exercise because she feels weak. She says she feels weak because she's not eating. She's not eating because according to her, she gains weight. She's claiming she's not losing weight even though she hasn't weighed herself. Our scale is broken but she won't buy another scale.

I have tried to throw suggestions out to her. I have asked her to write down what she eats and drinks but she won't. Do I think she eats out of frustration? Yes. Do I have proof? No. I work a lot of hours so I am not always home.

Mentally she she is a train wreck. She micromanages every aspect of her life. In her mind if she hasn't lost the weight now, she never will. She claims that she talks to all of these people who have had the surgery at the same time and after her and they lost all of the weight they wanted to lose, except for her. These people she claims are on facebook and Instagram but won't reveal their names. I know she doesn't go to any actual support groups. She also suffers from anxiety and depression but will not see a psychologist or a therapist.

I just do not know what to do at this point because she is not only destroying herself but it is destroying the entire household

She definitely needs therapy. Not only for herself but for the sake of your whole family. Individual therapy and couples therapy for both of you. This is not something you can solve. She is in charge of her own decisions and she seems to be making the wrong choices. Choosing to be a "victim" is never good.

Good luck.

^^^^ What she said ^^^^

Also, unfortunately, if she refuses to use support or to change her attitude about her weight loss, unfortunately, there's not much you can do. For me, surgery only gave me a wonderful tool to help me to be successful. It has been ongoing support here and in real life, confronting my addiction to food and my own contributions to my obesity that have enabled me to lose 200 lbs.

I am so sorry that you are in this position. It's very hard to love someone so much and watch them struggle. However, truthfully, there's not much you can do if she's unwilling to listen.

How long has it been since the surgery? I am also sure you've had your struggles as well. I have yet to hear of 1 person who hasn't struggled physically or mentally in some shape or form post-op.

To answer your questions, it has been nearly two years since my surgery. I have lost 197 lbs in that time -- and I am still losing. I never claimed that it has been easy -- but it's definitely something that cannot be accomplished by shunning support, not weighing, not logging your food and not exercising. These aren't things that you need to do. They are things that she could do to reach her goals.

I am not sure why my response elicited such a defensive tone, but absolutely, every day is a struggle. You don't get to weigh nearly 350 pounds without fostering an unhealthy relationship with food. However, I confront these issues and work on them rather than being a victim. This work, and it IS work, cannot be done by my husband, son, mother, or friends -- it is my work and my life to miss. Sadly, despite loving someone very much, you cannot control someone else or force them to see things your way (however right they may be!) -- I am very sorry that your wife is in this place. I am more sorry that you and your family is.

I am so sorry that both of you are going thru this. It's hard watching someone you love struggle & be hurt. Unfortunately if she's unwilling to seek or receive help there's not much you can do. Maybe telling her that she's not only hurting herself but she's hurting you too & the people around her that maybe she can come out of her shell a little bit. Sometimes when someone is so wrapped up in themselves they can't see past it.

The whole comparing herself to other people who had the surgery around the same time she did is a bad idea. They haven't walked in her shoes & she has to ease up on herself. Setbacks can happen but she can bounce back from this, its the mental part that's a real pain in the ass to get past. Hopefully she'll get past this mental stumbling block sooner rather than later, all you can do is keep reassuring her, maybe after everything checks out medically you can help her, like having protein forward meals at home, or going for a walk around the block with her. Maybe just doing small things will help her move onto handling the bigger problems.

You sound like a very supportive partner, she is lucky to have someone so concerned and loving.

It is hard for many of us to face that our food/weight issues are often symptoms of mental health/stress/anxiety/trauma issues. Your wife (like many of us) will probably not resolve her weight problems until she gets the support she needs in the form of counselling and working through her problems. Unfortunately this isn't something you can do for her, she will have to make this choice herself.

As a spouse, some of the things you can do for her include: asking her to go to couples counselling with you (that way she will at least get in front of a therapist), purchasing books for her that support her mental health and healing her relationship with food (I recommend anything by Geneen Roth), finding support groups and therapists in your area and keep suggesting them/offering to go with her.

I wish you and her the very best.

If the high carb items are in the house, you can assume that she is eating them. My family understood that there would be no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, corn, chips, desserts, candies or cereal in the house. I had no sugar or wheat flour in the house.

They were welcome to go out and eat those things or even to bring them home and eat them, but they were not to expect me to eat them. Meals were dense protein, eggs, cheese and sides of low carb veggies.

If they wanted pizza, they could buy one and I would eat just the toppings. I sometimes baked with artificial sweeteners and flaxseed, almond meal or coconut flours. When there was a potluck, I was in charge of bringing the bottled water.

My refrigerator and freezer contained steaks, beef and pork roast, chicken, turkey, pork chops, ground meat, cheese, onions, celery, carrots, unsweetened applesauce, spinach, cauliflower, broccoli, lettuce and not much else.

I would sometimes make pasta and meatballs and eat just the meatballs with a little sauce.

I own a good scale and have always weighed daily. I attended my support groups twice a week and also got involved in online support.

You could go through the cupboards and refrigerator and throw out all of the junk, but she would find a way to get her "fix" somehow. The surgery did not fail her, she failed the surgery.

At this point all you can do is accept her as she is and hope that she will find the strength and will to change. In Al-Anon we talk about the three "C's" of another person's addictive behavior.

• I did not CAUSE it
• I cannot CURE it
• I cannot CONTROL it

Perhaps attending some meetings of Overeaters Anonymous or Al-Anon can help you to understand how an addict can make you into a co-dependent and disrupt your life and the life of your family.

You cannot force your wife to help herself, but you can find peace and serenity by understanding what is going on and by refusing to allow her to disrupt your life.