Posted this also in the lap band forum:
It's been a while. Vastly thanks to me feeling so ashamed and a failure because I look almost as bad as I did before my surgery. I am missing only 5lbs to be back at my worst ever weight.
Yesterday my knee cap dislocated. When I was younger it happened frequently. Had a surgery 10 years ago but the dislocation started reoccurring a few years back and now it gets more and more frequent. Anyway, my husband brought me to the A&E yesterday and his mood got visibly worse the longer we waited. The anger was actually so visible that the radiologist lady even commented on how grumpy he looks.
On the way home, I asked him several times what was wrong and I apologised if I ruined his afternoon. What he said to me was:
"there was no need for the A&E. You know the issue, you are familiar with it, no need to go there. So you want to know what helps? Have you ever looked in the mirror? What do you see? What do you think why your legs, your arms are all wobbly? Because you have no muscles! You eat chocolate but you do nothing to take the poison out of your body again. Do you call this a life?? A feather touches your knee and you break down? What do you think why you have motion sickness? Your stomach is big, there is no muscle so it wobbles back and forth. "
In the evening we had a dinner planned with friends, and one asked him if he goes skiing with a side glance to me he responded 'no, that is something that I can't do'.
I actually don't know why I am writing this, but I guess I need to share. I know he is right, but I can't say that this speech didn't hurt. A lot. I don't know what I was thinking, but until yesterday I didn't realise how my husband sees me, as this overweight, wobbly and therefore fragile person who seems to be holding him back. He is right which makes it even worse. I feel as uncomfortable in my skin as i haven't done in a long time. Unfortunately I didn't have some alone time since it happened; I can feel the tears at the back of my throat and just want to cry, by myself so I can gain new strength. I hope i can turn this speech to a wake up call. I don't want my weight to be the reason for other health problems, and even worse I don't want anyone else feel like I am holding them back.
Did you guys have wake up calls?
Your husband sound like he was being a selfish ***** Yes, some part of him seems genuinely concerned, but a larger part of him comes across as inconvenienced. So, if you were to lose weight- and build muscle, and a stronger core- will his attitude magically change? If so- then his love seems conditional- which is sad. If not- they you are not the 'problem' he is!
i recall a few years before my surgery I needed a wisdom tooth pulled. Hubby took off work, to take me- but doc refused to pull it when my blood pressure was too high. I felt awful for wasting my hubbys time. He never batted an eye. Then, right after my surgery- I had to go in to be evaluated for cramps in my legs to ensure they were not clots forming. Hubby had to leave work to take me- I don't want my decision to have surgery to impact him, and it did. Again-- he didn't bat an eye.
In sickness and in health are words in the wind until they are tested. Whatever your wake up call ends up being- you deserve unconditional love.
5'6.5" High weight:337 Goal Weight:195 Current Weight: 197
While it sounds like you probably should address your health and weight, I feel like the real wake up call/take away here should be, "Wow, my husband is an asshole." Are you able to start seeing a therapist?
VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)
Age 41 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170
I am sorry your husband is an ass. That being said, have you seen a bariatric surgeon about a revision? Lap band to something else makes sense 100% of the time. It was a crappy choice for most people. Do not feel bad about it not working for you. But I would definitely look into another option.
Your husband sounds like he wants you to be active so you can enjoy doing things together. I hope he was just frustrated and chose his words badly. I hope this was just a breakdown and that he is not an ass all the time. If he is an ass most of the time, focus on your health right now and when you are stronger physically and mentally you can decide how to address your marriage problems.
Laura in Texas
51 years old; 5'7" tall; HW: 339 (BMI=53); CW: 140 (BMI=22)
RNY: 09-17-08 Dr. Garth Davis
brachioplasty: 12-18-09 Dr. Wainwright; lbl/bl: 06-28-11 Dr. LoMonaco
"If what you're doing doesn't work, change what you're doing - don't complain that it doesn't work."
I think what he said was very unkind, even cruel, and while I understand wanting to take it as a wake-up call I'm just really stuck on how someone could be so unkind to their spouse. I'm sorry he said what he did and I'm sorry you're having to process those feelings on top of healing from your knee issue.
Regardless of why someone is unwell, and even if behavioral stuff has contributed to illness, there's really exactly zero upside to being mean about it. I hope he apologizes and lets you know he's really on your side. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sending you good vibes. You deserve to feel well and safe and worthy, because you are worthy.
I have a basement but don't dwell in it full time.
Evelyn, I have had that wake up call. Not the physical pain. The emotional pain of the man you love belittling you because he's not happy.
Take care of your health first. I hate to say, but there's little chance anything you do will make him happy. More than likely, his unhappiness is within himself. Once your immediate medical concerns are taken care of, if it's not revision, then you look into revision!
If you need to talk to anyone, come here. And if you want, you can PM me. The ugliness I went through started my regain, so I understand the shame you are feeling. But trust me, you don't deserve it and don't need to bare it.
I won't pile on with my low opinion of your husband's behavior, but know that motion sickness is not caused by a wobbly stomach!! It's one part of our balancing system like the inner ear or the eyes not recognizing movement while another part does sense the movement. Your brain can't reconcile the difference and you feel sick. He's making crap up to make you feel bad about yourself.
Signed, a fellow motion sickness sufferer
Ht: 6' HWEver: 338 StartW: 282.8 SurgeryW: 268.9 GW: 170 CW: 164.4
Pre-Op:-17 M1:-17.8 M2:-12.2 M3:-9 M4:-12 M5:-11 M6:-8.4 M7:-10.2 M8:-11.4 M9:-6.8 M10:-7 Goal reached 11/9/17! (37 weeks, 1 day) First plastics scheduled 5/08/18
I am so sorry that someone who is supposed to love and support you has said such hurtful things to you. Of course you want to cry -- you were verbally abused by someone whom you love.
"What you eat in private, you wear in public." --- Kat