Wake up call?

White Dove
on 3/19/17 9:51 pm - Warren, OH

Why are you waiting to be alone to cry? Bawl your eyes out and let him see that he hurt you. He is not right to talk to you like he did. Nobody has the right to abuse and hurt another person.

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

hollykim
on 3/20/17 7:02 am - Nashville, TN
Revision on 03/18/15
On March 19, 2017 at 9:24 PM Pacific Time, Evelyn M. wrote:

Posted this also in the lap band forum:

It's been a while. Vastly thanks to me feeling so ashamed and a failure because I look almost as bad as I did before my surgery. I am missing only 5lbs to be back at my worst ever weight.

Yesterday my knee cap dislocated. When I was younger it happened frequently. Had a surgery 10 years ago but the dislocation started reoccurring a few years back and now it gets more and more frequent. Anyway, my husband brought me to the A&E yesterday and his mood got visibly worse the longer we waited. The anger was actually so visible that the radiologist lady even commented on how grumpy he looks.

On the way home, I asked him several times what was wrong and I apologised if I ruined his afternoon. What he said to me was:

"there was no need for the A&E. You know the issue, you are familiar with it, no need to go there. So you want to know what helps? Have you ever looked in the mirror? What do you see? What do you think why your legs, your arms are all wobbly? Because you have no muscles! You eat chocolate but you do nothing to take the poison out of your body again. Do you call this a life?? A feather touches your knee and you break down? What do you think why you have motion sickness? Your stomach is big, there is no muscle so it wobbles back and forth. "

In the evening we had a dinner planned with friends, and one asked him if he goes skiing with a side glance to me he responded 'no, that is something that I can't do'.

I actually don't know why I am writing this, but I guess I need to share. I know he is right, but I can't say that this speech didn't hurt. A lot. I don't know what I was thinking, but until yesterday I didn't realise how my husband sees me, as this overweight, wobbly and therefore fragile person who seems to be holding him back. He is right which makes it even worse. I feel as uncomfortable in my skin as i haven't done in a long time. Unfortunately I didn't have some alone time since it happened; I can feel the tears at the back of my throat and just want to cry, by myself so I can gain new strength. I hope i can turn this speech to a wake up call. I don't want my weight to be the reason for other health problems, and even worse I don't want anyone else feel like I am holding them back.

Did you guys have wake up calls?

agree with your other posters. The only thing I will add is I would say to my husband, who would never say things like that to me, but if he did, I would say "don't EVER talk like that to me again!".

I would also be calling an ambulance or a friend to take me to the emergency room next time.

 


          

 

Steph Meat Hag
on 3/20/17 10:29 am, edited 3/20/17 3:32 am - Dallas , TX
VSG on 03/14/16 with

So tell your husband that you need to hear his concerns but he needs to state them in a more constructive way. If mine said that to me in that way, he'd gotten pushed out of the car and could have walked home.

Now that you've heard it and now have to deal with the fact that your weight is a hindrance to you and to him you need to pick yourself up and make a plan. I had a lap band and it was an awesome failure. I did loose weight but I also gained it all back. It really did nothing but make develop some weird eating habits.

So before you get on the revision bandwagon you need to have a come to jesus with yourself. Sit down and make a list of things that you are doing that you shouldn't be doing. Thinks like snacking all day, eating things that you shouldn't like cookies, sodas, and junk food. Think about how a revision might help and think about how it won't help. Yes won't help! A revision will not help snacking, or junk food, all it will do is remove that plastic demon and give you a smaller stomach. Now where you really have to get real with yourself is about what are you going to put in that smaller stomach? If it's the same ol same ol then it won't help. However if you and your family can commit to eating things which are good for you then you have some planning to do! You can either keep the lap band if it's not causing you issues or you can have it taken out. After you make that decision the planning starts.

WLS will only fit the size of your stomach it will not fix your choices. I had to learn that. I relied on that band too much and thought it would solve my issues with food. Come to find out that damn band didn't stop cookies, candy, ranch dressing, mayo, fried foods, take out, or a million other things from absorbing and turning into fat. I'm much happier with the functionality of VSG but no lying to myself this time, it won't stop the above from absorbing either. It's just functionally better than the band for me.

Age:40|Height: 5'9"|Lap Band 2/11/08 |Revision VSG 3/14/16

The cake is a lie, but Starbucks is not.

https://fivedaymeattest.com

Travelher
on 3/20/17 12:18 pm
Revision on 10/04/16

agree with the others. I'm sorry your husband was so cruel. I also have knee issues (I've had an acl reconstruction) and have knee instability. I was 142lbs at the time. over time the excess weight does not help. I tore my acl when I was 18. I will never ski again. it doesn't hold my husband back at all. in fact we are going on a skiing vacation in a week, he skiis I do other things. Your husband has maturity issues if he thinks anyone else has the power to make him unhappy.

the lap band failed you? welcome to the club. I lost with it...but regained it all when I had to defil because of the terrible complications that piece of crap causes. I ended up 30lbs heavier than my preband weight so you are way ahead of me. Unfortunately the complications of the band often cause people to eat sliders to survive, it reinforces terrible eating habits. the question you need to ask yourself is can you turn that around if you revise. I revised to RNY and haven't looked back. I'm thrilled that i am able to eat healthy foods again.

I strongly recommend therapy. you need help learning to respect and love yourself and demand the same of others. My stomach is way more wobbly now that I'm thinner. If my husband ever commented on it he would get a large flap of stomach skin hitting him in the face pretty quickly ;)

Band-RNY revision age 50 5'4" HW 260 SW: 244 (bf healthy range 23-35%) bf 23.7% (at 137lbs) cw range 135-138.lbl with butt lift and mastoplexy March 23, 2018...2.5lbs removed.

Pre-op-16lbs (size 18/20...244) M1-16lbs (size 18...228) M2-15.6lbs (size 16/18...212.4) M3-10lbs (size 16..202.4) M4-11.4lbs (size 14...191) M5-10.8lbs (size 12...180.2) M6-8.4 (size 8/10...171.8) M7-6.4 (size 8...165.4 lbs) M8-11.6 (size 6...153.8) M9-5.6 (size 4/6...148.2) M10-5.8 (size 4....142.4) M11-4 (size 2/4...138.4) Surgiversary -1 (size 2/4...137.4) M13-2.6 (size 2/4...134.8) M14 (size 2/4...134.8) M15 (size 2...135) M16 (size 2...131.4) M17 (size 2...135) M18 (size 2...135) M19 (size 2...138) M20 (size 2...135) M21 (size 2...138)

Evelyn M.
on 3/21/17 12:09 pm - United Kingdom

The last sentence made me laugh out loud- good for the stomach muscles ?

Roll on weight loss!
       
            
Amy R.
on 3/20/17 1:06 pm

I'm so sorry Evelyn. You didn't deserve that. Thin people have knee problems and car sickness too. And even if they didn't, the cruelty you husband spewed is never ok.

HonestOmnivore
on 3/20/17 1:48 pm
RNY on 03/29/17

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I want to offer up an alternative view. My husband is much older than I am, something I obviously knew going into our relationship. But after he turned sixty, he decided he was done trying to keep up his health. His choice of course! I tried to frame it as his own life, his own limitations, bu****ching his self destructive behaviors (drinking beer as a diabetic, eating sweets, junk food etc..) I have gotten very resentful. We went to marriage therapy, and the bottom line is that he wants to do what feels good to him right now. It sucks for me because it really does impact my life too.

Now we're separated and he's doing even worse.

I can tell you that I do love him very very much, bu****ching him CHOOSE to make unhealthy choices every day felt like torture.

5'4" 49yrs at surgery date

SW - 206 CW - 128
M1 - 20lb M2 - 9 lb M3 - 7 lb M4 - 7 lb M5 - 7 lb M6 - 6 lb M7 - 4 lb M8 - 1 lb M9 - 2 lb M10 - 4 lb M11 - 0lb M12 - 3lb M13 - 0 lb M14 - 2 lb M15 - 0 lb M16 - 3 lb

GmaDiana
on 3/20/17 3:01 pm

I was sleeved in 2011.I lost weight but I still had knee issues.Had 2 partial knee replacements.I had revision to bypass 2016 due to acid reflux issues.My husband has always been supportive .He is a little guy and not overweight but has his own health issues. You are not holding your husband back,that is on him.You are worth fighting for.You are unique and special.Some men have trouble communicating ,so some counseling can help.If he refuses go by yourself.The revision helped me lose more weight and I feel so much better and stronger,in body,mind and spirit.We all need to be needed.You can come to this forum and talk any time and you will be supported.Take care Love.Believe in yourself.

AggieMae
on 3/20/17 10:58 pm
VSG on 10/25/16

I agree that your husband behaved like a giant add but wanted to point out something that others here did not. It is very difficult to be the partner of someone with a chronic health problem or an addiction. Especially when you watch that person that you love repeatedly harming them selves. Sometime tempers flair. We have all been on both the giving and receiving end of spent up frustration.

I urge you to seek medical help and family counseling.

(deactivated member)
on 3/21/17 5:28 am

Just remember do this for you not anyone else. When you change for the better life gets better.

You deserve to be happy. It may be a good idea to get you and your husband into therapy. Not everything in life that holds him back is your fault.

He is making the choice to not do things. And using you as the excuse.

You are a strong person. Who needs to be treating with respect and dignity.

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