by Jesse Jayne Rutherford

It’s your first time on a date in, well . . . a long time. In fact, it’s been long enough that you’re a new person now. Whether you’ve lost a great deal of weight, are just beginning to lose weight, or are approaching dating with a new sense of courage and gumption, there are a few things to keep in mind when getting back into the dating scene after some time away, says Mary Jo Rapini, a licensed professional counselor who specializes in helping bariatric patients in Houston, Texas.

“It can be so intimidating when you first start out,” says Rapini, who suggests starting to mix it up at parties, church groups or other large groups where you can meet people of both sexes—potential dates as well as potential friends. Joining up with a large social group can be a lot more comfortable, and you can meet people and decide whether you’d like to spend more one-on-one time after you’ve seen how someone behaves in a more natural group activity. It’s an easier way to get to know someone than jumping right into the—gulp!—first date.

When it is time for a date or a small group to get together, Rapini suggests going out for coffee for a number of reasons. First, most people dating these days assume that first dates are Dutch treats. You’ll be more comfortable paying your half at a coffee shop even on a tight budget. Plus, you won’t have to think about food portions or explain why you’re eating what you’re eating. At a coffee shop, you can have a small mug of herbal tea and no one will wonder why you’re not consuming more. Also, few coffee shops have booths, so you’re more likely to find comfortable seating at a coffee shop than at a restaurant. And finally, there is much less pressure involved in a coffee-shop first date than a first date over dinner. With coffee, you can cut it short without being rude.

So after you’ve diluted the pressure of the first-date experience by adding other people and going out for coffee instead of dinner, you may feel ready to schedule a one-on-one date for dinner, a movie, a walk, or anything else outside of a 30-minute meeting at an equidistant Starbucks. What should I do? you may think. What about getting ready? What if the person doesn’t like me?

First of all, Rapini recommends you fix your hair, put on make-up or wear a favorite fragrance—find a way that’s within your budget to get fixed up in a way that makes you feel really attractive. There are other aspects of your personal appearance that you can beautify without focusing on your weight, so tidy up your nails or iron your shirt if you think it will make you look a little more polished.

However, Rapini cautions that you can get too focused on your looks. While it’s important to get cleaned up and feel good about yourself on a date, it’s not all about attracting the other person. “Remember, you’re interviewing the other person as much as they’re interviewing you,” Rapini reminds her patients. “If you’re too focused on your looks and whether or not you’re coming across well, you’re not noticing if you like the other person. Is the other person polite to you? You have a right to have an opinion.”

In other words, no matter how much you’ve earned someone else’s good graces, you need to think hard about whether they’ve earned yours. Just because your date wants to see you again doesn’t mean you have to do it. You have a right to say no, or “Let me check my schedule,” which may be an easier way to put it. It’s perfectly all right to say no.

This brings Rapini to her last point. “Never have sex on the first date,” she says. “You don’t know the person.” It’s a staple of dating advice that applies to everyone, no matter what their dating history or personal lifestyle. If you haven’t dated much, be advised that some people may expect sex as a given when you’ve been on a date. “Be prepared for what you’re going to say,” Rapini advises.

Dating safety should include protecting yourself physically as well as emotionally. Remember to look out for your own safety, because when it comes to protecting yourself, no one has as much invested in your safety as you do!

Five Classy Ways to TURN DOWN SEX

• “I have to be at work really early tomorrow morning.”
• “I’d really like to get to know you better, but taking it slow is more my style.”
• “That sounds nice, but I’m not ready yet.”
• “My friend and I are meeting for our walk really early in the morning, so I’d better get home now.”
• “No, thank you.”