Weight Loss Surgery Forums

When you give birth to three children in a period of 27 months, it probably shouldn't be a surprise when all three of them get married within a 10-month time frame! They all grew up and were all at that "marrying age" at the same time. Therefore, I recently had weddings on the brain for a solid two years (what with all of the planning). Intermingled throughout that same time span, were three Obesity Help conferences at which I was scheduled to speak. For that reason, the title of my talk for those particular conferences was, "Beyond the Honeymoon. For Better or Worse." I was amazed as I put together my Power Point presentation at how much marriage and weight loss surgery have in common.

Let's begin with "The Dream."
Nearly every girl I've ever met has spent many an hour daydreaming about the wedding she will one day have. The "dream" may even include a groom. However, the groom isn't all that important during the middle school and high school years when the hopelessly romantic teenager imagines her dress, the colors of the bridesmaids dresses, the flowers, the cake and the ring. I can't speak for adolescent males, but I'm told they're primarily interested in the activities of the honeymoon night throughout their middle and high school years.
"The Dream" of every heavy teenager is to not be overweight, but rather to be accepted by their peers, to be included, to wear the clothes the skinny kids wear, to feel happy like the "other kids" look.

Fast forward to adult life and to The Proposal – the beginning of it all.
For the couple becoming engaged, there are many considerations (traditionally for the male to ponder the timing, the element of surprise, the place where he will pop the question, maybe some concern about the answer, and of ultimate importance, of course, the ring!
For the person contemplating weight loss surgery, there is also The Proposal with numerous considerations. The question in this case is, "Should I or shouldn't I?" There's also a timing factor of: "Should I have the surgery during the summer or would before the holidays make more sense?" Concerns about the answer to whether or not one should have the procedure depend on finances, insurance, health issues, and having support after surgery.
And then…There's going to be...a wedding!

There's going to be a weight loss surgery!
Let the excitement begin! The newly engaged couple and the newly approved-for-surgery patient is giddy. Both say:
• I've waited my whole life for this!
• I know it will be all I've ever dreamed of!
• Life will be so much fun!
• My friends and family will be so excited for me!
• Everyone will be so supportive and helpful before and after the wedding/the surgery.
• I know I will live happily ever after!
Secretly, deep down inside the hearts and minds of the same people who are genuinely excited and looking forward to their much-longed-for future, lurk doubts that are only sometimes spoken aloud:
• What if I'm not ready?
• What if something goes wrong?
• What if, What if, What if…

The Preparation
In spite of the fears, the process is in motion and the preparation begins. Will the wedding be inside or outside? Formal or informal? Should we have a large bridal party or just a few attendants? Who should we invite? Who will officiate? Where will we have the wedding? There are so many details: the cake, the flowers, the dresses and tuxes, blood tests, pre-marital counseling, honeymoon arrangements.
What hospital will I be in for the surgery? What doctor will perform the operation? What type of surgery will I have? Who should I tell? Who should I not tell? Who will be there with me? Who will help me when I go home? What preparations do I need to make for my arrival home? There are so many details: blood tests, a sleep study, an endoscopy, an EKG, a psychological evaluation, a nutritional consultation. No cake for this celebration, but please bring lots of flowers!
Finally, the wedding day arrives.
Finally, the surgery date arrives.

The Honeymoon...Oh Yeah!
Ah, isn't life sweet during the honeymoon? Well, maybe not right away, depending on how tired and/or sick the participants are. There is definitely a period of recuperation that needs to take place after a wedding and after a surgery. There are so many feelings fighting for attention: excitement, fatigue, hope, joy, fear. Oh, the laughter… and the tears. But life is good! I'm married! I have had weight loss surgery and I am losing weight! This is what I've been waiting for.

The Early Years…Everything Changes
The sex. Well, now. How the sex changes depends on number of factors… which I shall skip for this article. However, for some newlyweds, and most post-surgical weight loss patients, suffice it to say – that one's sex life changes! Usually for the better, I might add.
Socially, there are new people introduced into your world. Single friends sometimes go by the wayside as more time is spent with other couples. People who once snubbed the old, heavier you now stop you to tell you how great you look and invite you to the office get-together Friday after work.
Those little annoying things in life are overlooked because "It's worth it!" Your new spouse's constant chattering or snoring or leaving socks on the floor or asking their mother about everything instead of talking to you… no problem. Your new Mr. or Mrs. is so darned adorable! Why – those little quirks don't matter. Your new married life is so worth it.
That loose skin that starts to appear as the pounds melt away, those tiny wrinkles that start to show without the layer of fluff that held the wrinkles at bay, those stiff undergarments to hold body parts in the right places… it's all totally worth it.
Emotionally, there are ups and downs and downs and ups. It's all worth it because life is exciting and it has improved.
Physically, there are drastic changes for the WLS patient! It's beyond exciting to see how quickly the weight is falling off. People notice and comment on a regular basis. The praise seems never-ending and sometimes even overwhelming. But definitely encouraging.
Newlyweds are also hailed and celebrated by everyone from the folks at work to old family friends. It's oh-so-fun to be the celebrity… if only for a short time.
Before you know it and before you're ready for it, the excitement and newness fade. Everyone now knows you as Mr. and Mrs. Other couples are getting married and the attention has turned to their new beginning.
People quit stopping you in the hall and asking how much weight you've lost. They're now more interested in who is getting promoted and who is being let go. You have a whole new wardrobe and your weight has leveled off. The Honeymoon is over. You become…

Settled In
The married couple becomes "too tired" or "too busy" for sex. The person who has lost 100 plus pounds sometimes wants more sex than their partner or maybe becomes tired of sex… with the same old person.
Those annoying habits that were previously overshadowed by the bliss of early love now annoy the bejesus out of you. The snoring and socks strewn around the room aren't so cute any more.
The loose skin causes rashes and is no longer a reminder of the joy associated with seeing the number on the scale drop rapidly. Emotional ups and downs continue, but the thoughts change from "But it's worth it" to "What was I thinking?"
For the newlyweds or a newly-healthy-weight person, life settles into routines… the hype has faded. Complacency sets in. Efforts fade. Old habits return. The spouse that once turned off the television to listen to what was bothering you now turns up the volume and suggests you call a friend. The carbs that seemed so easy to resist after surgery again start calling your name as you pass through the aisles in the grocery store.

What will you do?
• Get divorced?
• Gain your weight back?
• Get help and get happy?
I vote for get help and get happy! Most married couples didn't learn how to have healthy, happy marriages either by example or in a textbook. Most people who have lost over 100 pounds are not familiar with how to live at a healthy weight. Most people, regardless of marital status or weight, were not taught healthy life skills including how to be assertive, how to set healthy boundaries, how to ask for help, or how to listen and communicate effectively.
I tell all of my clients what I was told when I entered therapy 25 years ago: "It's not whether or not you will have problems in life. What matters is what you choose to do about them." And since most of us were not taught the above-mentioned life skills, everyone could benefit by getting some professional help if their marriage is stale or in jeopardy or if their healthy lifestyle and weight are in jeopardy.
We all need to learn tools to help us through life. We need to learn how to change negative, "stinkin' thinkin'" patterns and choose affirming thoughts about ourselves. Positive thinking leads to feeling better emotionally and leads to healthy behaviors and choices. Finally, we all need to explore where our negative thoughts about ourselves and our learned behaviors stem from by looking into our past.
Do yourself a favor: get help and get happy! You can get help from a mentor, a life coach, a spiritual advisor, a therapist, self-help books, or from trusted, honest friends.
Make every day of your life a Honeymoon Day! Life… marriage, post weight loss surgery… for better or worse. It's your choice! Make your Happily Ever After a reality.

Connie Stapleton, PhD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and owner of Mind/Body Health Services in Augusta, Georgia. She is the author of Eat It Up-The Complete Mind/ Body/ Spirit Guide to a Full Life After Weight Loss Surgery.