Secret Shame.

This comment was posted to a message-group about weight loss surgery, and I had to share it.  I don't know the poster:

"The negatives are much harder to find than the positives. Especially when I had my surgery back in 2001. I couldn't find anyone who would say anything negative.

I know why though now. Because we are embarrassed and ashamed to tell people the negatives. We are embarrassed of our failures....afterall, we've failed all our life and now we've failed again. It sucks.

I was happy losing 163 lbs after my surgery. I dealt with the pain, the learning how to eat again, how to drink again. Now, 141 lbs heavier... I can tell you - for the first time - I will say I regret it!

Not only have I gained my weight back - my life is different now. I was a healthy fat person. Now I'm a fat person who is anemic, calcium deficient, lactose intolerant, tired all the time, my memory is bad, I throw-up more often than I'd like, my gastro-intestinal track is unpredictable and my stools are most often runny and urgent.... shall I go on? There's nothing positive left about the surgery. In fact, it's my "Secret Shame". I used to want everyone to know - now I hope no one finds out. I can't eat much - at least of the good for me foods. I can however pound away crackers and chips - they go down easily.

My biggest fear? How many years of my life did I steal from my 9 year old son and my husband?

Anyway - I hope someone reads this and thinks a little harder about their decision to have any type of gastric bypass surgery. "

I share this, because I know it's true for many longer-term post ops out there, myself included.

A few stacks of Ritz, and I'm right there along with this woman, gaining back all of my lost weight.  It wouldn't take much, I realize that.  I gained 55 already, in a short few months, I could gain 100 - 175 if I didn't obsess.

But, anyways, I know this comment either made you cringe, or made you think:  "Whatever, she's just bitter."  (Me or the original poster, it doesn't matter.)  It's still so real for so many people.

There's a woman I know as an acquaintance, who had weight loss surgery shortly before I did.  I did not know her before she had the procedure, but she's well over 300-400 pounds now.  I have never talked about "The Surgery" with her, and I wouldn't unless she started the conversation, because, she's failed.  How must that make her feel?  Maybe she's also suffering with complications?  It's possible that she has issues, that no one knows about, because she's so embarrassed of her "failure."  I only know she had the gastric bypass because someone else told me that she had "that same surgery you had, you know!"

She's not the only one. There are more people that I know, that have "failed" to progress or relapsed back to what they were - some of it I can't share - because it's not my place yet.  I know some of you out there have had serious non-success.  (I don't like calling it failure, because sometimes, for some reasons, it's not "your fault.")  Those people who don't make it through this process with a Shiny Happy Butterfly Journey aren't sharing it, though, unless they have a reason to make it known.   Perhaps if they've got a story to tell, a message to get out:  they might be open and share their experiences.  Otherwise, they're hiding their past, and often forgetting that they ever tried to change.

Good Morning  MM!  I like reading  and KNOWING that the bad stuff is out there... EVERYONE considering ANYTYPE of WLS really needs to consider ALL the possibilities. So far I have been very BLESSED.... I could start having stuff go wrong at anytime.  I, personally  DID NOT have my LAP RNY to be skinny... I had it to LIVE. I was told a year ago..by my cardiologist IF I DIDN"T HAVE SOME TYPE OF WLS....I WAS GONNA DIE!  I have let myself go so far that my dang head was swollen with fat so bad I was NOT BREATHING  MORE than I was breathing. My sleep apnea was so SEVERE, my HBP was through the roof..... every area of my health was affected by MY bad choices..... I have a daughter that STILL needs me.......Hearing his words.....was MY wake-up call. I NEVER wanted her to "find me" unable to wake up.  I don't care if I ever get model slim.... I KNOW ALOT of MAJOR medical problems can occur.... I just HAD to TRY to get the weight off so that I might have a second chance.  Most EVERYONE I know that has had WLS...FAILED...or ended up dying!!!...... My own dad had good friends that had some type of WLS surgery in the 80'S.... ALL of them have died  except one. She done GREAT!!!..... She is STILL very big on her bottom half...and small on the top. She never had a TT or any PS.... It was all she could do to pay for her surgery!!!.........   I am with you on the fact that  ANYONE considering WLS really needs to hear the GOOD, the BAD  AND the EVIL!!!     I admire you! YOU ROCK!!!! You do NOT sugar coat...THAT is refreshing!!! HUGS, Leticia

I'm going to bookmark this, her post breaks my heart. I'm pre-op and anytime I want to get off track, I can read this and really see what it can do. I'm having surgery for a normal life with my husband and kids, because at 29 and 300 pounds, life isn't too fun. 

I think this is a great post and appreciate you posting it! I too work with two women that have had the surgery one has gained all her weight back and then some...the other one is doing ok, and then there is me who everyone compliments in front of them...........i sometimes feel bad because i know the one who has gained all her weight back feels like a failure...............she has been picking at food since the day i started to work there almost 3 years ago and she had just had the surgery done. The other one is starting to craze also............i try not to pick,every now and then i have my moments, but it can easily be done. But thanks for posting and keeping people informed!

I'm scared every day.  Scared that something will happen inside of me because of the surgery. Scared that mentally I'll slip back into the denial that made me obese to begin with.  Scared of food.  Scared of failure.  Terrified that I'll become one of the people that cant stop losing.  I hate that food/eating/my stomach has become 90% of the focus of my life.  Up until about November, I regretted the surgery. I was depressed and was sure this was going to kill me.  I had spent a year pre-op researching all of the bad, ugly things that can happen post-op.  I was scared by them then and came close to cancelling my date daily.  I live with fear now and that is what keeps me successful but it has changed me, I'm not the same. 

I agree 100%...   this should not be sugar coated.  I have an upcoming surgery and I have read post after post.  Most I must admit have been very positive post but there are some on here that have not been all glory.  Even having to have a revisions.  I also agree that when I done my little positives and negative list trying to determine if this is what I really needed to do the positive side was much brighter.   I have lost a father and a brother in my life that I know in my heart the cause of their death had everything to do with obesity.  My mother has a foot in the grave right now because she is so morbid obese and refuses to even recognize what she is doing to herself.  Her legs drain liquid and her skin gets really bad rashes, she has copd, high blood pressure, diabetes, she wears oxygen during the day and mask to sleep at night.  She has had cancer if I have this right 5 times and survived even when they gave her 28 days to live.  That was when I was 6 weeks old.  She just refuses to admit that obesity has anything to do with these heath problems.  I don't know much other than one thing this is the right choice for me.  I know when all is said and done I will have to work the rest of my life to follow exactly what my surgeon tells me I need to do and it may still "fail" but on the other hand  I have already worked most of life trying to get off and keep off this weight so I guess not much will change on the having to work hard for something you want.   I want to live longer and be here with my husband and children.  I can only pray and ask God to help me with that. 

Great post! Reality is not always pretty. I believe there is no cure for obesity, just like many other chronic medical conditions. All you can do is treat it in the best way you can find to control the symptoms. However, most treatments come with side effects, WLS included. When the decision is made to treat the disease, I think you have to come to the understanding that you now have to deal with the side effects of treatment. The disease won't go away, but hopefully your condition will improve to give better quality of life. Either way, I will eventually die of complications of obesity. I just hope this bought me a few more good years. -Wanda

What a great post, MM!!  I have to say, I am scared sh*tless that I will gain my weight back.  I am almost 2 years post op.  I was doing very well up until about mid December.  Then, my mother got sick, work is unsatisfying, life is complicated, the holidays suck, etc, and I found myself turning to food and eating for comfort.  That scares me!  I had been able to control myself and deal with whatever was going on in my life without food, but this past month, I have not been able to, and that scares me.  Over the summer, I was at a Happy Hour with a few old friends.  My friend Stu was telling me how proud he was of me for taking this step, and how awesome it was that I lost so much weight, and that I was enjoying life.  In my drunken haze (two wine coolers do this to me), I told him that this was my last chance - I had exhausted everything else.  If I fail at this, I will die.  He became a little alarmed, but honestly, I don't think I could go on if I returned to 360 lbs+.  I picked today to get my ass back on track.  Back to recording everything I eat, getting my but to yoga, and making an appointment with my therapist to discuss these issues.     

Thank you so much for sharing her story. I have been going through a lot of personal/private issues over the last month and snacking has seemed to creep back into being a part of my life. I know I should not and am trying to make a very conscious effort not to do it. I bookmarked this but I am also printing it to keep with me at work and on my frig. I am looking for a support group, I need that extra push right now. Things will get better for me. God promises he will not put more on us than we can take. Thanks again, I needed to see this!!!