ObesityHelp

 Hi Doris!!

I am a compulsive over-eater too.  You are farther out than I am, and I congratulate you for doing as well as you have. 155 pounds lost is nothing short of AMAZING!   I don't know that I will ever be able to say that!!   I believe you are right - it is a lifelong struggle.  After all, I spent a large portion of my life hiding and turning to food for comfort, reward, consolation, and just about any other emotion that could come up. I will be 36 this year (YAY!!)  I also was a protector and caretaker, frequently coming to the rescue of family members and friends for any crisis -  big or small -  that would come up in their lives.  I was also dealing with effects from childhood abuse.  Food was how I medicated myself.  Most of the women in my family were also caretakers, and food abusers.  My habits were learned, perhaps partially genetic, and literally had a death grip on me.   I lost my paternal grandfather to complications from obesity.  My maternal grandmother is suffering from the effects of obesity/overeating, though she has lost over 100 pounds in the last 10 years.  I have lost my mother and father in law and two aunts to complications from obesity.  My mother and godmother both suffer from back and knee problems from obesity/overeating, which just makes it worse. I saw all of these things happening around me, but the light didn't really come on until they started to happen TO me. I had no comorbidities, but noticed my back and knees starting becoming more painful with all of the weight.  This went on for a long while.  All I knew was that things had to change, and I was willing to try, again and again...and again.    I had to systematically, methodically, and repeatedly learn how to think differently, eat differently, and behave differently. It was years and years of trying different things, keeping certain things that worked, ditching what didn't, going back to ground zero to start again with something else...etc.  It was nerve wrecking, tiresome, heart breaking , soul wrenching stuff. 

  Other things came with time and practice - for example I have drastically limited my availability for certain situations with friends and family that I would have immediately taken a plane, train or car for before.  All these things were great, positive, hard, and beneficial, and still I had minimal control, if any, over my eating.  I lusted after food.  With all of the other changes that were happening, it was the last on my list, and I dreaded having to deal with that "last" diabolical monster.  Then there were the years of yo-yo dieting, exercising, and the pain and process of learning how to do those things, and the disappointment when they did not produce the permanent results that I sought.  I learned a lot about myself, and I know that the learning is no where near done, but  major changes were happening that i didn't recognize at the time.  I decided, after trying almost everything else, that I simply could not help me.  I decided to seek the help of wls.  After the surgery, it was as if the things that I had learned and experienced, along with my tool, really started to have the most powerful impact on my body, over any other protocol that I'd ever done.

I am almost 8 months post op, and I have noticed cravings/head hunger returning.   I have to acknowledge them.  They are directly related to the situations, stress, and changes in my life.   I have 'given in' on numerous occasions -  I am not going to beat myself up, or guilt trip, or promise myself 'tomorrow I'll be better' -  it is exactly what it is.  I will have whatever it is, then go back to my regularly scheduled program.  It doesn't happen everyday and the desire isn't anywhere near the levels that they once were, but they are there.  I consciously recognize them for what they are, and that helps.  A marvelous discovery too during this whole process is that my cravings require different things at different times - its not always a food thing.  That in and of itself is mind-blowing for me.  Sometimes I am craving beef, sometimes it is solitude, sometimes its actually exercise, a cup of tea, a bag of chips, sex......it varies.  It still amazes me.  I really have no words for how it makes me feel.  But if I had not had the wls, I don't think I would have been able to recognize the variety of things that my body calls out for.  I can only deduce that having these long periods of denying myself food as a comfort made other things more recognizable. I would have answered every single call with food, because I was too embarrassed to go for a walk, or to go to a gym, or to try to seduce my partner, or be anywhere that would draw the wrong kind of attention.  

Some things have changed and some things stay the same.  I am  the caretaker for my immediate family, still make mistakes in living and eating, but the most powerful changes have been in my mind, heart, and stomach, and not necessarily in that order, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they are the lasting kind.

I am definitely a compulsive, emotional over eater - and in the last couple weeks, I can sense the return of that giant struggle. Over the last 18 months, I've kept my over eating down by constantly remaining vigilant about my emotional state, and limiting my access to things that can hurt me, But it does get tiring to always have to be thinking about it and trying to correct my urge to eat.

What i've learned - just like anyone with diabetes or other medical conditions, this compulsive eating disorder is going to require a life long treatment plan, with constant attention and work. There is no easy way out and I'm having to come to terms with that.

So, because I can't really change my head right now, I have to change my environment. I have set a few red lines for myself in my hopes of beating my obesity. It's more of a behavior oriented approach, but I will always track my food, no matter what goes into my mouth. This has been the number one key to helping me because I always enter my food BEFORE i eat it - if I enter it and see that it is all carbs, all fat, or just generally unhealthy or too many calories, a lot of time, I will put it back and realize i dont need it or make a better choice. And then there are certain things I know I cannot touch because it will trigger a binge - pizza, fast food, chocolate, brownies (i dont know what it was about these lol) and ice cream (and alcohol). Some people dont believe in total deprivation of particular food groups, but I have drawn my red line at those things because they are my traditional binge goods - i used to put away an entire large pizza by myself at 420 lbs, bags and bags of chocolate, and ice cream. I do however have alternatives I use so that I dont feel deprived - i make little "pizzas" on low carb tortillas or sandwich thins - a little cheese and pizza sauce without all the fat and carbs. I can control my portions which is the biggest key. I eat chocolate protein bars but will hopefully not eat a candy bar anytime in my near future and sugar free popsicles or protein popsicles instead of normal desserts.

I also do not keep things in my house that could hurt me if I do feel the need to eat unnecessarily - I dont keep chips, cookies, crap like that in the house. Ever. If I do eat them, they are out and usually for a special occassion. I'm always clear minded and motivated before I go grocery shopping so there's no temptation to grab that stuff. If it's not there, I can't eat it. If I want to snack, im going to have to cook or eat some fruit, and well, so be it.

Ive had a few slip ups since surgery, but following my red line approach, I'm no where close to where I used to be. And honestly, when my will power fails me, my sleeve is usually there to say STOP now. 

This might not work for everyone, but it is working for me for now.