Topic: RE: This board has passed on!
Marilyn, please don't be so hard on yourself. Before I had cancer the first time I was first very, very sick with ulcerative colitis and c-diff. I had no more energy than a wet rag and didn't look much better than a wet rag! I was in a marriage that was not the best but because we had been married so long I stuck it out. By the time I was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer (stage III) I was just down right mad. I was mad at myself for letting myself get so sick, I was mad at myself for not being happy and I was mad that something that starts out as small as a cell was possibly going to take away my dreams, my desires and my life. So, I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and directed that anger to the disease and fought it with everything I had! The dr's did not want to do surgery on me, they said I was going to die, why put me through it. I refused, demanded surgery and said if I don't give it a shot then my life was a waste. I made it through surgery (touch and go a few times) and then a long road to recovery. One year and one week later I was diagnosed the second time... The cancer was in some lymph nodes, my pelvic are and now I had vaginal cancer (pushes things to stage IV). You can imagine, I was down right pissed now! I was finally getting some health back and, BAM, my knees are knocked out from under me.
Plan B, get REALLY anger AND get REALLY positive! My son was about to marry a beautiful young woman and I was determined to a) be around for the wedding, and b) have my hair! haha! All the chemo drugs I had were guarenteed baldness drugs! I would wake up in the night three and four times, pulling my hair, making sure it did not fall out! I did NOT want to wear a wig at my son's wedding! Well, my hair thinned a bit (I have really thick hair naturally) and I made it through the chemo and radiation. I won't kid you, vaginal cancer is a b*tch! The radiation burns the area inside and out and I became completely incontenent for a time. But I was alive! I kept my anger focused towards the cancer, not anything else. And I kept myself positive as much as possible. Something that helped me was that my neice works in a chldrens hospital and she would share little stories with me about children in the hospital. It would break your heart. I realized that there are those far worse off than me... and why would something so tragic happen to a child? I looked at cancer as an uninvited guest into my life. And once the visit was over, it was time to bid that guest farwell.
I also changed a few things in my life.... I divorce my husband (long overdue), moved 200 miles from my "safe zone" and basically started my life over. I was blessed in that I had a pension (retired management in law enforcement) so I did have some finances. I was 45 the first time I had cancer, 46 the second time and 47 when I "moved on" in my life. I have since met a WONDERFUL man, we are married and have a beautiful life.
Marilyn, I don't feel like I'm a better person.... I feel like I'm a different person. I'm different than I was before the cancer. If you look deep inside yourself I'm sure you will notice the same thing about yourself. I no longer rush through life... I stop and not only smell the flowers, I also take pictures of them, touch them and just enjoy their presence. It took a couple of good slaps in the face for me to realize that I was important, that I was only going to get out of life what I chose to put into life.
As for my son... he has a beautiful, wonderful wife (no grandchildren for me yet), they had a gorgeous wedding, I had my hair (thinner, but still there!) and he understands my journey and my next phase of living. My son was 24 when I divorced his dad (we had been married 27 years)... yes, it was a little difficult on him but he knew that if I didn't make some changes I would have let myself die. The ex hates me (his loss) but my son and I are even closer than we were before (and we were always very close).
The WLS is something I am doing for me. My DH loves me no matter what... fat, thin, average... doesn't matter to him just as long as I'm alive and healthy. He is supporting me whole heartedly in this journey.
I so wish you felt well enough to get out and be around positive people, it is such an uplifting thing! Have you considered visiting with a professional about your feelings? Please know, I am not a huge pusher of therapy but if it is something that will help then I say try it! Just the fact that you are on this earth makes you a gift. Please, evaluate what is the root of your feelings and address your findings. Have you ever sat and visited openly with your children about your weight loss and your cancer? I felt that the more my son knew of my journey the more informed he would be and the more apt he would be to be open with me about HIS feelings. Children are so funny... even though my son is a young adult it was still hard on him when Mom went through cancer and then Mom and Dad divorced. I let him vent, talk, cry... be himself with me and I never judged.
Marilyn, I wish you the very best. Please find yourself.... life is such a gift from God, why hide that gift away by locking yourself away from the world.
Please stay in touch and I wish you the very best.
You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there. Unknown Author
Failure is only a fact when you give up. Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?