Tomorrow starts my last week at work before my surgery.  At this point, my boss and HR know that I'm going out for a "surgery", but I havent had to tell them any details beyond that.  My FMLA and disability have been approved.  However, I have a team of people that report to me, and I havent even told them I'm going out yet.  I plan to do that on Thursday.

I'm so on the fence about whether or not to share any details.  My concern is that this is not a good time to be gone from work at all.  With the stigma with WLS, I'm concerned I'll come across as selfish, or that I should have waited until next year, etc.  

I think what's on my mind is that I just hate bringing attention to myself and my weight problem (ok, I know...as if they cant tell I'm fat?).  Also, I think a little "fear of failure" is at play here too.  I know it's normal to feel this, but I still have in the back of my mind that I'll be the only one this doesnt work for, and will be humiliated that I put myself out there and it still didnt work. 

So, in a few months this will be a moot point because it'll be so obvious that I had surgery (hurray!), and they'll all know.  Was wondering how others handled the work aspect and how you handled any questions?

All this talk is the Fat Girl in me talking, the one who wants to blend in and please everyone....I know....but I'm still dreading how to handle it.

Thanks!!!

The company knows I'm having "surgery." My company has several locations and I don't see the majority of the other employees because of my particular schedule. I did end up telling the people I see everyday at work ONLY because I thought these specific people would be supportive and understanding (and 2 our of 3 of them are overweight themselves). They have been nothing but positive about my choice, and eager to hear my reasons for choosing the DS. One woman even sent her husband back to talk to me about the DS because he's interested in it himself now, based on things she went home and told him from our conversations. It's been great to have supportive people to share my excitement with. But I also feel a little stressed now that I know they'll be watching to gauge how successful I am afterward, after talking the DS up so much.

I have not told people in my personal life who I thought would not be supportive. I have not made in public knowledge in my circle of friends. Only my closest core group of friends know that I'm having surgery. At this point, I do plan on being honest if people notice the weight loss and ask me directly what I'm "doing." I don't want the WLS to be something I have to feel ashamed to admit to, especially if people are just going to gossip about it anyway. Being open takes away the power of their gossip. That being said, I don't think I'd jump to volunteer the info to some people who I know are hypercritical of overweight people. I think this is a question many WLS people struggle with.

Of course this is all personal choice, but I ended up telling more people than I thought I would.  I think for one, I wasn't sure how things were going to go, and how I would feel day to day.  My co-workers have been amazing and so supportive.  I work in a department that is 80% men, so that was kind of weird, but again, they have been awesome.  

Before surgery the only people who knew were my boss and my immediate family and my closest colleague at work. i told no one else for some of the same reason you stated mainly embarrassed and afraid of failure  I was lucky because since I'm a teacher I didn't see anyone for amount 2 months after surgery. By that time I really like my surgery and was very proud of myself and what I have accomplished.  I just ended up deciding that if people asked I would tell them the truth, I don't do well with lying or avoiding the truth:)  I have been very pleasantly surprised at how supportive everyone has been!  Honestly I also have got the attitude it is my body my life and if you don't like it you can kiss it and I love the knew me.  It is amazing the confidence losing 75lbs can have on you.  I refuse to live in shame for doing something to better myself and I have found if people are not supportive more than likely they are JEALOUS

 

Not that I have an opinion about this, but 

DON'T DO IT, 
DON'T DO IT, 
DON'T DO IT!

Even the best intentioned of your coworkers will drive you crazy.  ""Potluck Day?"  "Department Holiday Party?" will be a chorus of "Oh...can Tessy eat that?"  EVERY conversaton will be about your weight.*  And every bite you take will be scrutinized.  Every bite.  From now until you weigh almost nothing.  They WILL figure it out sooner or later.  Meanwhile...it's your appendix..and when he got in there, the gall bladder had to go, too..so recovery is going to take a while.

Sue


*My DS was four years ago and my sister JUST ASKED, "Now what about Thanksgiving?  What can you eat and what can't you eat?"  Four years.  Don't do it.

Tessy -- If  your workplace is like mine, there will never be a really *good* time to take off.   You are not being selfish.  You are  taking brave and decisive action to solve a difficult problem once and for all.  You are preserving your "human capital" for work and yourself for everyone that loves and needs you.

I wrestled with the question of who to tell, and surprised myself by telling lots of people at work.  My boss and colleagues have been supportive.  I don't doubt my future dietary choices will be scrutinized, but probably my past choices have been as well.  You don't lose and regain large amounts of weight repeatedly for years without expecting some behind-your-back commentary. This time, I hope the cycle will end at LOSE.

From your posts, you seem very level-headed.  You will know who, when and how to tell people. Trust that your true friends will continue to be your friends, and that the respect you've earned with your colleagues is real.   Good luck.  I'll be thinking about you, switch sister-to-be!
-- Lenore

I agree with Sue...Don't tell them!

I felt almost EXACTLY the same as you do & at first I only told my boss (& she told her boss). Eventually I felt comfortable enough to tell my immediate co-workers. Now, I'm thrilled to tell everyone! I would say 99.9% of the feedback has been extremely positive. A few folks are just clueless (not any of my friends, thank goodness). Since these workers report to you I would not share all the "details" - I would just reassure them that the surgery you need to have is not serious, but it's something your doctors want you to have taken care of right away, & finish by telling them you'll be back as soon as possible once your docs give the OK. Good luck on your upcoming surgery - you're going to do GREAT!

We never have a "good time" to take off of work and I suspect you do not either, espically as a team leader you never feel that you can be gone for long. Trust me, you are making a choice for the rest of YOUR life regardless of where your career will end up taking you. And I don't know that you need to share any details at this point.

I did tell my coworkers, however, they are also my best friends and helped care for the kids while I was gone. I work for a smaller company and there would have been no way around it so I squashed the gossip by spilling the beans up front. But, I could care less what they gossip about.

Good luck,
Michelle

When I finally do go for surgery I absolutely will not be telling my staff or peers at work.  It is none of their business and I do not want any nay-sayers raining on my parade.  If I change my mind later I can do so.

I am sort of struggling with the same thing. My boss and HR does know that I am having surgery, and also know what type of surgery. Of course I can take them to court if I found out they spilled the beans.

I was talking to my very close supportive Aunt, and she told me that I should go ahead and tell people, because I dont want my clients (who are HIV positive) to think I am as well.  This would be the reason they would think I am all of a suddened losing weight. I am not sure if I agree with that, but part of me  thinks maybe she is right.

My surgery is in 22 days, so I have to think fast on how or what I will say.

BTW, I am very active in my local community and my DH is a minster and we are sooo active in the church as well.

Any thoughts would greatly be appreciative.

I thank Tessy for this post..

a lady at my old hospital fabricated a story I used. I work in a hospital where they are always going to be understaffed. If anyone thought I had the option of putting it off, then they'd make me put it off forever, and then talk about me when i wasnt there. Dont get me wrong, I like them all, but eh a few of them do tend to gossip about anything and everything. So anyway a good friend of mine at my old job had previously worked as a gastro nurse so this is what she told them. She didn't tell anyone she didn't have to, but the people who flat out asked her, she told them she was having abdominal surgery, that she had developed a lot of ulcers in her stomach and intestines. She said she had to have a portion of her stomach removed and a portion of her intestines due to the ulcers. She said where she worked for a gastro surgeon they performed this surgery on occasion and the ppl often lost a lot of weight like we will. So anyway everyone fell for it. I haven't told this lie yet, but i do plan to. All I had to tell the ppl I work with is I'm having abdominal surgery. I'm sure when the weight starts dropping off (well it already has but i mean drastically) there will be questions. So that's what I plan on saying. I do not like to lie, but I also don't like to be gossiped about.

DON'T-----------TELL-----------ANYONE.

trust me.

Ditto Sue.

You dont know who someone will be in 2 years anyway. I learned the hard way.....

It's a personal thing, wether to tell or not...I did. And everyone who knows was and still are very supportive.
I work in a Dr.s office and see up to 38 people everyday. They usually are on a 3 mo return schedule and are amazed with my progress. I am very open about having the surgery done and will answer any questions I get asked.
I am proud of having my DS and taking control of my weight, being off my diabetic meds,cholorestral meds and bloodpressure meds.
I figure people will have their own opinion and if they don't approve or like what I have done, that's their loss!
Evelyn

Thanks everyone, you all make great points and I'm so thankful for the support here on OH.  It's very interesting to me that looking at everyone's surgery date I can see that although a lot of the newer people are telling others, almost all of the DS "Vets" responded recommending not to say anything.  Wonder if there's a lesson in there?

YeSSSSSSSSSS there is a lesson there!  if you do tell   or don't tell it's your decision and stick with it.

Hi Tessy!   I work in the human service field on a 24/7 crisis hotline with a bunch of social workers and therapists, and we're a pretty close-knit, supportive group of people to begin with.  I've been talking with my co-workers all along about my decision to have WLS, so once it got scheduled, they were all very supportive and excited for me.  Also, we've had a surge of WLS here, since I'm the third one this year. Actually, it'll be interesting to see how each of us does, since one had the lapband in February (and she's not doing well with it, sadly, and has already said she probably should have had the DS), one just had RNY and is still out, and I'll be having the DS. I'll be off over the Christmas holiday, which is a bad time to be out when 24/7 coverage is mandated. But that's when my parents (who will be my support team/caregivers) are available, so I didn't have much choice in the timing. We have a large staff (over 100 responders on the hotline) and quite a few co-workers are talking with me about the DS and considering it for themselves. I'm trying to pay it forward as much as possible! 

I absolutely understand other's reasons for not telling, and I think it's a very individual, personalized decision based on how close you are with your co-workers, how supportive they are, how supportive you feel they are, and how you see them reacting to and talking about other co-workers.

Let us know how it goes this week.  Sending energy! 

I, too, was in a position where the timing wasn't exactly spiffy at work. So, when I had a surgery date and figured out who to tell and how to say it, I was vague.

I told my direct report at my company and that at the client I would be having abdominal surgery to address some on-going issues and that while it wasn't life threatening, I did need to take care of some things before they grew worse. I explained I would need 6 - 8 weeks off to ensure I had a full and complete recovery.

I did not share the fact of my surgery with any of my co-workers or anyone at the client's office (which had a very thick gossip mill and everyone there is either a food pusher or a food cop. Ugh!) for precisely the reasons others before me have mentioned. Plus, I tend to be a very private person anyway.

I essentially put the ball in the court of my bosses about who to tell from there. Especially when it became obvious I wasn't there.

My plan once my weight loss becomes more obvious is to continue with not sharing any details and being vague. I foresee saying "Thanks for noticing", "I'm working really hard on my health" and "It's really a private matter" over and over and over again.

My health choices are no one else's business.

I asked this question a few months before my surgery and here is the link to the post: 

www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/3881097/to-tell-or-not-to-te ll/

I found that it was mostly a matter of personal style and you need to be true to yourself in order for it to fit within the rest of your experience. I am a very open and sharing type person. If I were to need to keep something so major to myself at a place where I spend over 40 hrs a week I would be very uncomfortable - in essence I would be going against myself. You need to find your own peace with this decision and you certainly ahve enough information / opinions / reasons to go either way. Good luck.

I ended up writing a letter explaining what I was doing, including explaining the surgery so that they knew how it was different from the Band, etc... and I also spelled out what I would want / not tolerate. I secifically addressed not accepting or allowing anyone to be my food police pr well intentioned "helpers" and I also told them I had already made my decision based on long soul searching and research and I had no need for anyone's horror stories. I then posted this on Facebook for my friends and spent copies to my family just like my annual holiday letter. They all loved it. I was able to inform everyone at the same time, eliminate a lot of the gossip, and take back or retain my power in the situation by taking charge of the information. I don't regret how I did it at all. If you want to see the letter I wrote just let me know.

I'm being vague.  

1) If they thought I could postpone, they'd ask me to postpone.  And there's never going to be a good time for me to off for 3 weeks.

2) I don't want to keep explaining myself.  If I don't want to talk about it, they'll stop asking questions

3) I've lost all sorts of weight on my own before and they know that.  The timing corresponds with the beginning of the year resolutions, so I'll just start going to the gym and stop eating crap

Good luck.