My wife had gastic bypass surgery nearly two years ago.  At her peak, she lost nearly 130 pounds.  We met about four months after her surgery and were married about a year after that.

During our courtship, she was determined and committed to the long-term success of her surgery:  she watched her diet carefully and exercised most every day.  However, shortly after we were married, she fell off the wagon and gained over 40 lbs in a short amount of time.  

After much discussion and many tears, she resumed her committments last January.  As a result, she lost 25 of those 40 pounds.  However, about a year ago, she once again stopped pursuing her goals and also stopped exercising.  Although she does not eat 'bad' foods, she does binge on other fatty foods: avocados, hummus, nuts, etc.  She has already gained back the 25 she lost and put on at least 20 more pounds.

I had another frank discussion with her.  I remined her that I was holding her accountable just like she asked.  But this time, it seems to have damaged our relationship.  My wife and her close friends and family have told me many times over that our relationship has made her the happiest she has ever been.  My wife tells me that she hates to upset me as I am the most precious thing in her life.  But this food addiciton has more power than all of that.  I can only imagine the war that goes on in her mind. 

It is very difficult for me to handle her addiction.  I feel that she won the lottery of life with her surgery and I can't stand to watch her undo it one spoonful at a time. All I want to do is encourage and support her.  In an attempt to encourage her, I've been walking and biking on my own without her.  I am afraid that this may backfire, however.  

Another support group told me that I am codependent and controlling of my wife.  I disagree; my motivation is love, support, and yes, fear.  I fear that she may become unhealthy again.  They also told me that I am completly powerless over her addiction and her lack of motivation.

Best wishes because it is hard just knowing you allowed your body to even endure the surgery then to fall off as I too an not fight to keep it off it's like (this is how I put it God gave us a tool an some abused it I started out at 270 lowest was 155 never got down to goal weight because my family especially husband freaked said I was loosing way to much looked toooo skinny so I did panic started snacking an it was all down hill from there had I got to my goal and worried about it later the people who said I was too small I'd be fine so now here I am 185 gaining an cant get a grip it's really strange how so many of my friends had surgery an have gained so much weight back good luck to your wife tell her to get control before its to late my anniversary is around the corner an I wana drop at least 10 wish me luck an I so wish her the best!!!!

 Oh goodness forgot to say she's so lucky to have a supporter like u just knowing u wanna help is awesome walk together make healthy foods choices together thatll help an be honest if u see any changes- Gaines just knowing your there for her wow 

 Don't get side tracked with what others say about your weight loss...it's your journey. The change in your looks brings comments especially if it's someone that hasn't seen you in a while. They get used to the image they have of you...and you changed! That is not a bad thing.
 As far as getting back on track - have you tried the 5 day pouch test? Google it if you don't know exactly what it is and how to do it! I guarantee you will lose weight and you will feel the restriction again. It doesn't matter if it's a lap-band or other procedure that was done...the 5 days of following the program helps to break the bad habits we've lapsed in to! Good luck...let us know how it works for you!                                                          Linda

 My husband and I are involving ourselves in this WLS journey together.  I think it is very nice that you are on here asking for advice on your wife's behalf.  I do sympathize with your wife very much.  We learned in the WLS classes (6 months of them) that the first two years are a gift, if one follows the dietary instructions, the weight comes off pretty quickly and easily.  After that time it becomes more wotk.  According to a lot of people on here, after WLS you never lose the "tool" --the resulting gastric bypass pouch is still present and if it is a lap band, that is still in place and manageable--and the DS is permanent.  Going back to basics, 64 ounces of fluid a day, 3 meals ---1/4-1/2 cup each--protein focused and not drinking 30 min. before and after a meal.  I have also learned and read that you never get rid of that "head hunger"....if we eat for comfort and pleasure and in times of stress, those feelings never go away.  That is something to be worked through with the support of a loving spouse, friends and family.  Other people have even had counseling for this.  I don't think I would respond well if my spouse told me I needed to work on my addiction and was being critisized.  A gentle approach would be best.....when you can really be open with one another.
Good Luck and hope your wife is doing well!

She's well aware of the 'rules', but does not want to follow them.  In fact, she now eats more than me!  I've tried all approaches and she won't budge.  So, I've been silently following the rules myself, as well as exercising and keeping a food diary, hoping this will somehow motivate her.

I am in constant angst because she is throwing away everything she worked so hard for.  I cannot bear to watch her let it all go another minute.

 I applaud your desire to support your wife. Your love for her is evident. 

That having been said, I agree with the support group's observation that you're treading over the line from support to control and codependance. Don't worry, I get it! I've been in both your shoes and her shoes (except for the part where there was surgery. No surgery to date =D).

My partner and I recently ran into this same wall as I have been in a binge/volume eating uptick, and he has watched me gain 65 pounds since we started dating. He doesn't mind the weight so much, but it kills him to hear me crying about it, or become suddenly sad when the topic of weight arises. He tried to help, same way as you are. I started to feel judged and controlled, and that only made me push back harder. I started to eat not in spite of, but out of spite. After a couple of arguments over it, we sat down and had a frank conversation about my needs, his needs and what it means to support. 

Here's what we came up with, and it's been working for our relationship:

1) My eating disorder and food addictions are my problem, not his. He didn't cause it, he can't cure it, and he can't control it (sound familiar CODA & Al-Anon peeps?)

2) Focusing on the food only plays into the addiction/obsession. It makes food the centeral theme of the discussion, which makes food the central theme of my thought patterns, and thinking about food makes me head-hungry and makes me act out (read: overeat) more. So instead, I ask him to focus the dicussion/reminders/etc on the underlying emotional reasons why I eat. Please see #3 below.

3) It hurts him to see me in pain. He wants to support me, and I want his support - emotional support. Here's the breakdown of what that means in practical, real work application:

When he sees me engage in binging behavior, rather than pointing out the food intake and its detrimental effects, or the fact that it breaks rules, I've asked him to offer his emotional support for the underlying reason for the binge.

For example; I inhale my food very, very quickly when I binge. It is like a race against time, and I am trying to eat everything I can before the meal ends. It is like I believe every meal is the last meal I might see for months, like a bear preparing for hybernation. The underlying emotional reason: I fear deprivation. I had a history of childhood poverty, neglect and abuse, and the binging part of me fears that I will be suddenly lose all access to food. Weird and illogical, yes, but that's why it's called a disorder. So, what I've asked him to do if he sees me in that state is to give me some physical comfort - a hug, a squeeze of the hand, a caress on the back. This creates a tactile distraction from the binge state, and in that moment, he can kiss me and tell me that there will be plenty still here if I want more later, or that nothing and no one is going to take my food away from me. It's going to be OK. I've asked him to never say "slow down," "no need to rush," etc, as those are instructional in nature and feel controlling. However, the reminders that everything is going to be OK and I'm not going to be deprived today are reassurances and therefore supportive. They also manage to hit the binge trigger at its heart and snap me out of it. 

There are probably more that I can't remember off of the top of my head as it's been a couple of months since this has been a problem for us, but I am happy to post more as I remember them. Good luck to you & your wife. =)

Somayeh 

Thank you so much for your candid reply; I appreciate your insight.

I must note, however, that my wife doesn't binge, she grazes.  Constantly.  And unlike you, I have no idea what is driving this disorder.  I've tried many times to talk to her about it; but she shuts down and becomes more concerned about upsetting me than the issue.  If I just knew what drives and triggers it, I would focus on supporting the root cause.  I've also asked her once what I could do to help her succeed.  She told me that it was her problem and no amount of reasoning, begging, pleading or incentive would help.  I have a hard time accepting that answer.  When we met, she was focused and determined to succeed. Watching her give up breaks my heart.

I don't agree that her eating disorder and weight gain is just her problem.  If her addiction is affecting me, then it's our problem. Yes, I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it, but it sure affects me and our relationship.   My ex--wife was a gambling addict.  My current wife is a food addict.  I'm going crazy, and sometimes I just want out.

Maybe you should both go on this cruise:  the topic is being dealt with and you could support her while she gets refocused;

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/hunger_and_food_troubles/4490507/HOPE-AND-HELP-FOR-THE-PAIN-OF-REGAIN-TOPIC-ON-CRUISE/

 The cruise sounds great, but it's too short of notice.  Dang.

 You are trying to control her. With your actions "quietly" I doubt it is. I'd feel like you were judging every single thing I was doing or not doing and eating...while I might love you that attitude of yours would drive me crazy! I know - i"m married to one of you! The more he pushes , the more upset I get. This was my decision - my operation. I want you to support me and love me - even when I slide and fall. It's my journey to change my behavior. I don't need the food police - unless I've told you to do it to me! Ask HER "What do you want from me? And what do you want me to do? What would help you? Also, WHAT DON'T you want me to do? please listen to what she says....don't think No - what she really needs is...whatever - fill in the blank! I know - I've been there and we went to counselling together to get a handle on the anger and resentment his behavior was causing our relationship...Yes, we're doing better and my weight loss is doing better also. BTW - you can't motivate your wife - unless SHE wants it...good luck.   Linda 

  Thank you for your candid reply.  

I think because I met her in the 'honeymoon phase' of her gastric bypass surgery, I wasn't prepared for long term hardships.  In the beginning of our relationship, I was convinced by her motivation and commitment that success was her long term goal.  Now that she's given up, I feel duped.  I feel like I married a different person with a completely different attitude.  I have a real hard time understanding how she can just quit at the drop of a hat.  It causes me much grief.  She went through that difficult surgery, complications, and all the hard work of diet and exercise to loose 135 pounds.  I don't understand how she can allow herself to gain half of it back.  Sometimes, I feel like she's satisfied she found her soul mate ( as she calls me) and has no reason to try anymore.  Her mother once said that I'm too good to her, and that she's gaining on purpose cause she feels uncomfortable that I Iove her like I do.

I like your advice, however.  I have asked her before what I can do to help her succeed.  She's told me there's nothing that I can do - that it's something she has to do on her own.  But I'm going to ask her again with the approach you suggested.  And I'm going to make a point to ask her what she doesn't want me to do.

She knows I grieve about her weight.  My biggest concern is how much she's gained in only a few months.  If this was over a period of years, it would be much easier for me to understand.   I've specifically asked her if she resented me for my feelings, and she said she doesn't.  I believe her.  She always says that hates upsetting and disappointing me.  She tells me that she's afraid I'm going to leave if she gains too much weight.  Although that isn't true, those fears still aren't enough to motivate her.

I love my wife more than I can say.  I fear that obestiy related health problems will soon come back.  And then it will be too late.

 I can really relate to her feelings as I know I've felt that same way. I don't want to disappoint my husband but at the same time when he's "nagging" me I just want to rebel..."You can't tell me what to do"...so I sabatoge my weight loss. I believe it's called passive- aggressive behavior. You have to remember 2 things - We (and she) have been heavier than we've been thinner...we have more practice at being heavy. 2. She may feel uncomfortable being in better shape - you get attention that you're not used to...along with all the expectations that it can bring! I used fat to hid away and blend in - being one of the guys and not being  looked on as a "girl"...(there was also abuse in my past so I used fat to be unattractive). It's not to say it's an issue with her - but a high number of heavy people have had some form of abuse in their past.
 You haven't said do you or your wife go to any support group? I've found it really helps - plus since my husband has started to go our relationship has improved. I'm very open about my surgery to others whereas he's a very private person...but he still goes. He learns from others how to be supportive of my weight loss. I've lost 47 lbs since the surgery and there has been a period of time I was regaining...fell off the wagon and cheated with foods I shouldn't be eating - but I did the 5 day pouch test to get me back on track. Has she had her gall-bladder taken out yet? If not, weight loss and rapid regain could cause gallstones - and that could be VERY painful resulting in more surgery. You could preface your concern with information about that to her. Gallstones are very painful! Good luck and if you don't already see if there is a local support group as that could make all the difference in the world!  Linda

Thanks for your reply.

My wife and I have a fantiasitc relationship.  We are very close, we never fight. The issue with her weight is the only issue we have.  She knows it grieves me. 

She used to go the the support group.  Only once during the past year did I convince her to go back. She hasn't been back since.   I would go without her; however, I travel for a living and not in town some weeks.

I've considered going to a counseler to help me deal with this.  I hate watching her sabotage her surgery one spoonful at a time.

Actually I think that going to a counseler would be a great idea....either as a couple or even alone. Sometimes you need a sounding board with no attachment to the outcome to help you
work through the issue. I didn't mean to imply you had issues...if you're traveling that much is she lonely? I know I use food as a coping tool...and that is something I keep working on.
 Do you know anyone from the support group that you could contact ? I know I've wanted to
reach out to members of our group that no longer come to make sure they're OK and doing
OK...or if they're not - reassure we won't judge them and to please come back. We have a really
good supportive group of people...you've never mentioned - does she have any close friends you might be able to talk to or have them reach out to her? Just a thought...good luck in your journey.
Just remember to love her as she is - today.                                              Linda

 Thanks for your quick reply, Linda.

Yeah, I'm Facebook friends with a few people from her Support Group.  I've contacted two of them a few months ago.  I also contacted the nurse from her surgeon’s practice.  Unfortunately, I really didn't get any help from anyone.  

My wife doesn't have any close friends; her brother and I are the closest people to her.  She has many old friends and acquaintances on Facebook, but no one she sees or speaks to regularly.  

I think I'll contact a few people from the Support Group and ask them to reach out to her.  

I appreciate your advice very much, thank you.

Dave

 We all have different views an opinions but if I had. Hubby like u so concerned I'd be on it my husband love him dearly but I think he was threatened when I lost weight somewhat jealous to me now with the gain when I talk about it he says ur fine stop worrying about it I will not I can not see myself being 270 again No way no way your wife is so lucky hope she realizes it sorry who don't agreeee 

 Thank you.  That is the way I WISH she would view my concern.  She still may see it that way, she tells me she's afraid I'd leave her if she gained too much (not true), but that's still not enough to motivate her. I beleive that I shouldn't ask her to do what I wouldn't do.  So I've activly exercised, keept a food diary, don't drink with meals when I'm around her, etc.  I don't say a word.  But I know she notices.  I'm hoping my silent motivation will someone convince her to get back on the wagon.

All I can say is this over 40 it is so hard to get off an keep it off so my advice to her woman to woman is PLEASE get it off because I feel terrible u cant imagine an I am so surprised she doesnt to go from a 24 to a 8 now 12 I feel huge

Since my surgery I have become a certified hypnotherapist as I am persueing my doctorate as a clinical psychologist.  She has underlying issues that food is temporarily resolving for her. It is NOT the food that is the problem.  If I may gently say, please find a local energy healer or PROFESSIONAL hypnotherapist and I can guarantee the change then will be permanent. :) Feel free to email me if you want to learn about the ins and outs and want a recomendation for someone in your area.  Believe me when I say the diet is not her issue neither will exercise fix it. Love her unconditionally and help her get to the cause instead of focusing on the 'effect' :) much love your way....it's all good