Hi All, 

I'm new to this forum, scheduled to have gastric sleeve surgery on May 25th.  Just wanted to throw out some of the things I'm thinking about pre-surgery.

I've spent years identifying as a fierce fat femme lesbian, and I don't want to lose sight of the support that community has given me.  However, I'm battling with- how do I reconcile my support for Fat Acceptance, esp. in the GLBTQ community, as I go into WLS?  I have spent my entire life as a fat person, and believe strongly that fat people deserve equal opportunities, fairness, decent seating options, and love and acceptance.  Does having WLS mean I am turning in my "fat card" and joining the other team?  Is it possible to remain active in the size acceptance movement after WLS?  

I know that for many, like myself, WLS is not a beautification effort.  Rather, it's a life-saving effort.  Accepting my new body, post-surgery, will be a whole new process.  

 Did any of you start out with similiar questions about fat acceptance?  How have your perceptions changed after surgery?  

I too am a Femme, and Phat. lol I don't have much of an insight on this yet as I just had VSG 8 weeks ago but I think you can still be an activist while getting healthy. Its all about getting healthier.

Wish you the best with your upcoming surgery.

I know how you feel.....I kind of felt like a traitor to my "fat friends"....but then I realized....I don't judge others based on their size or physical appearance....and they shouldn't judge me based on mine.

When I started losing weight some of my overweight/obese family and friends were very supportive....others were not.

Who says just because you are smaller than you currently are, you can't advocate for "Fat Acceptance"?  You can do it!  :)

Just keep being your wonderful self!

Leslie

Thank you for the thoughts you guys have shared.  I'm on summer break from grad school, so I have wayyy too much time to think about the surgery, and I find myself over-analyzing everything.  I've always been a fairly vocal activist in the GLBTQ community as well as the Fat Acceptance community, and I feel a bit traitorous going into this, but my intent is truely genuine.  

I haven't told most my family yet, as I'm pretty sure they will try to talk me out of it.  My older sister has already commented that she will be jealous when I get thinner than her (I've been bigger than her my whole life).  Did you guys tell your families you were planning on having the surgery? 

I told my family.  I think they were most concerned with the risks and side effects.  Outside of my immediate family, extended family became kind of weird and stand-off toward me....for awhile.....I just always made an effort not to make my WLS a major topic of discussion....and would cleverly change the subject.  lol

I even found ways to take focus off of food on holidays, and special occassions.....like.....I became the "photographer" or would plan activities...non-food related......bingo, sing a-longs, charades, horseshoe, darts, dancing, etc!  Because trust me.....EVERYONE is going to notice WHAT you eat and how little you are eating!  Another tip....when dining out, I often ask the server to box 1/2 of my meal to go and only bring 1/2 to the table....that way it isn't as obvious that I did not finish my meal.  And I have leftovers for 2-3 meals later :)

Leslie

Hey - Fierce Femme here as well. I have been sort of active in the FFF community off and on for a few years, participating in DykeMarch with them and such. I am a planner for the SisterSpace Music Festival each year (have you checked that out yet! 35yrs strong!) We have often sponsored workshops thru the weekend in body acceptance etc... i have not told anyone about my surgery - not even my family. My partner is the only one that knows. In my head i really dont think i will ever be skinny - not so skinny that anyone is going to wonder why i am there skinny. also, my partner is a larger woman and i prefer broad stocky butchy women. so, with that being said those that have noticed any change have just kinda mentioned that i have lost some weight and i shrug it off with little fanfare and say enough medical issues have made me want to get healthier - and its true. so thats my story, and i am sticking to it. good luck with all your upcoming stuff - we will be here rooting for you. and nothing can take away your fierce sistah!

 Where's the "Like" button? 

Hi:

I think most, if not all people are conflicted about something, there is nothing wrong with that. Like-wise people change, as well as change their minds about Life, Love, religion, ...even sexual identity.
 
I have found that as I mature and my emotional intellect grows many things that I "thought" have changed, many beliefs have changed also. And I accept that, I'm not even the same person I was 6 months ago...Thank GOD!
Don't fear to change or to grow or to evolve.

I had been obese most of My Life and never believed in the "Fat is Beautiful" "Movement" because I felt that the people who were/are pushing it just wanted attention and an excuse NOT to get Healthy, and to bring others into their misguided beliefs. They wanted acceptance from others instead of accepting themselves just as the are. I DO NOT believe in discrimination against the obese or anyone else, but let's face it, Obesity is a Major Health issue and nothing can change that. How "Mean Spirited" people feel about obese people is a separate subject and involves Prejudice...Not Discrimination.

In the "Movement" I wonder if there are 45/50/55/60+ year olds...I would like to know if they are walking w/o pain, and what type of medications they are on...See, when one is under 40 y.o. and feel good, you can take up any cause one chooses, but when you try to get up out of a chair and feel that first "hitch in your giddy-up" or your doctor says I need to talk to you and your partner...shyt changes, thoughts go deeper...At some point you will ask yourself, "Is this a Real cause or am I helping to set others up for an early grave" or cancers or diabetes or... I'm not saying this is right, but maybe not getting that promotion or paying double for an airline seat... will force someone to lose weight/get healthy and will end up giving them a longer-better-happier-healthier Life.

Be Well

I'll tell you how I reconcile it.  But I will also tell you honestly, many in the size acceptance community will not welcome you if you have WLS.

To me, it's about acceptance and choice.  Fat people should be accepted, should have equal opportunities, all that stuff.  So should skinny people.  So should everyone in between.  I should not have more value if I am thin, but I should not have more value if I am fat, either.

One of the things I read about a lot when reading fat acceptance stuff is that we own our own bodies.  Our bodies are not public property.  Other people should not tell us that we have to diet, that we have to have WLS, or that we have to "be healthy," however they define that.  But if you believe that, then it seems it would logically follow that other people should not tell us that we cannot lose weight, that we cannot have surgery, that we cannot take steps that we believe will make us healthier.

My decision to have WLS is not a judgment against other people that are fat.  It was a choice about what I believed was best for me.  It doesn't say anything about what I believe is best for them - I don't believe it's my place to say what's best for them.

I don't really see the conflict, although I know that many do see it as a conflict.

Wow, good questions. And good responses.

I admit that I have a selfish reason for wanting the surgery - to no longer be fat. But when I started this journey over 3 years ago at age 54, my blood pressure was going up, I had arthritis in my hips, knees and feet, and obstructive sleep apnea. Obesity, diabetes and heart disease run in my family so I felt like I had a big target on my chest and back. So I've made this about changing me, to be healthy and give myself more quality life. I look at my mother who is 88 and has shrunk about 5 inches because she didn't take care of herself throughout the years. She's been very sedentary although has never been morbidly obese. But members of her family, almost every single one, is fat to morbidly obese. I needed to change this pattern for me, and maybe my kids. I needed a tool that was extreme to help me.

Initially, I didn't tell many people about my revision surgery because I was quite chatty about my first surgery, which failed. So I was apprehensive about talking about the second surgery. However, I started a blog where I basically journal and talk about my feelings In dealing with this process and made it public a few weeks ago. I've gotten such a good response from it, I have felt very encouraged and validated by it. It was hard to be open about it as I felt very vulnerable. I guess my point in this is to say that if you feel more comfortable by not telling others, then don't. If you fear a lot of flak and negativity, believe me, it's best to be quiet about it. Eventually, you can share it if you want, but consider what kind of fallout you might have if you told people prior to the surgery. You can get tons of support here and other forums.

Wishing you the very best!

Hi Mechellerae!

I am not sure what to say about this but life will change for you when you lose weight. It is such a head trip. I was shocked at how differently I was treated by people, including fat friends and my family. My family has gotten used to it, mostly. I still find that people treat me differently than they would have if I looked like I did pre WLS.

For me, I just focus on that most people's perceptions are related to how they feel about themselves, so it is not really about you, it is about them. But just like you can lose friends when you come out, you can lose friends when you lose weight.

Be prepared (as much as you can!) and just hang in there....I was amazed at how much of it is a mental journey as well as a physical one.

Just like when you came out....you will learn who your real friends are. And I will say I had to confront my own 'sizeism' when I was being treated poorly by heavier women and I realized that I had done the same thing to a skinny friend. I went and apoligized to her. Most women have some body issues no matter what they weigh....

Best of luck to you on your journey, stay open to the process and you can grow in awareness as your body shrinks!

Deb366

@ValueMe, you totally gave me a better prespective on things. I was all about having people accept me, that is until I was diagnosised with diverticulosis at age 27 and high blood pressure about two months ago. I started to see the big me.. I started to see how I let myself go. And now that I am at this weight (305) it is hard for me to exercise like I could when i was 215 and 230.. I hate it.. Flying and being uncomfortable and the way people look at me with discusted. I am glad I am choose life...