Glad to hear you are doing well. Sorry about the relationship.  It happens sometimes and it sucks.  You have a great attitude and you will find someone who appreciates you in time.  

Tomorrow is my official one year surgiversary.  I have considered many ways to format this post; A year in a day - playing it out chronologically as if the past 12 months were 24 hours; "**** Skinny People Say" (The **** XXXX say is a tired men, so I will stay away from that).  How do I best describe a single calendar year that has been so transformative?  The last year that saw so many changes for me started with a sperm cell fertilizing an egg.  SERIOUSLY!

I tried to get all of the before an after pics together.  I simply avoided the camera too much before this for that to be successful.  I couldn't get all of the different photos from various surgeons in time.  Maybe for a year end post.  I wish now that I had done a better job of documenting my transformation.  Take that as a lesson new people.  You may have body image issues, you may hate how you look right now, but when you come out the other side you will want a record of just how much you have accomplished.  

So lets recap:  I have had five surgeries over the past 12 months.  Yes, five.  I have been doing extreme makeover the home edition.  My journey started last September.  I was traveling for business.  I had just paid a ticket for running a red light in Chicago (Damn Red light cams).  I ran the light because I couldn't see it.  My vision had gotten that bad.  I had a mouthful of loose teeth.  The teeth would vibrate and hurt when I spoke in a certain way.  I had hypertension that was controlled with drugs.  I had  Type II diabetes that couldn't be controlled no matter how many injectables and oral meds I tried.  The next month would see me start on insulin.  The diabetes was leading to circulation and neurological issues.  Neuropathy, lymphedema, and probably gangrene were not far off.

I was aging at a rate roughly 30 years ahead the clock.  I was having problems that my parents were only starting to have in their late 60s/early 70s.  I was dying, and I wasn't being slothful about it.

I started looking into the lap-band.  Incidentally enough, my PCP told me about a study at Vanderbilt where they were seeing bariatric levels of weight loss by using one of my diabetes meds off label.  He suggested I might be able to get into that study.  When I asked about the lap band and mentioned my research, he recommended the doctor who would eventually become my surgeon.

In the next 6 weeks, I did my initial seminar, psych eval, and initial consult.  That consultation was on October 25th.  I was crestfallen when I went to schedule and the first available date was a month away. I asked if there was anything sooner.  From my lips to God's ears.  Not five minutes later one of the assistants came in.  Another patients surgery had to be cancelled because of a problem with his meds and labs.  That patients surgery was to be scheduled the following Wednesday on November second. They gave me that date.

The next week was a whirlwind.  Labs, pre-op testing, etc. - You all know the drill.  That week was emotionally terrifying for me.  I knew that I would die on the table.  I would be the one in a million, the curve breaker.  The night before my surgery I wrote my farewells to the people I love.  I was oddly excited - it would be over one way or another soon.  I would succeed or I would die.  I slept like a baby that night.

The most nervous I got about the surgery was the morning of in the OR Waiting area.  I was alone - no one to be brave for.  I was the first surgery of the morning and I was waiting to be taken into the OR.  I could hear the nurses gossiping.  They were talking about how big a previous patient was.  I wondered if they would be gossiping about me later that day.  Did you see the guy with the jacked up teeth?   God how did they get him on the table?

Finally I was taken in.  The last thing I remember was them putting the arm rests under me.  I woke up at about 10:20 am in recovery.  The first thing I did was to look for a clock and then realize that I had a foley catheter in.  Damn I was hoping to avoid that.

That day was the beginning of my journey.  The feeling of Anesthesia would become all too familiar over the next 12 months.  In addition to the sleeve gastrectomy I would have: months of oral surgeries to fix my teeth, surgeries on both my left and right eyes to remove bilateral cataracts, and finally my lower body lift last month.  That surgery was probably the most extensive, taking 8.5 hours.

The cost of obesity?  For me 90% of my stomach, 2 teeth, the lenses in both eyes, 7.5 pounds and counting of excess skin.  And lets not forget a sum of money in the high 5 figures.  I'm not done yet.  I have one more surgery to go.

So what is the result of all of this (Click on the links please, OH wouldn't let me actually insert the image!)

Before:

21754_10151499273434552_1578492435_n.jpg

 

 523595_10151499272734552_2146524054_n.jpg  

 

Today:

 

 fullbody.jpg

 

 threequarter.jpg

 

Most of all, I am thankful; so very thankful.  My journey has been populated with amazing people to help me every step of the way.  Not the least of which is my ever loving Thomas who has been with me every day, encouraging me and loving me, never letting me doubt myself or be down on myself.  I have been blessed to work for an amazing company who has given me the time to work on myself and who has supported me amazingly at every turn.  My parents have given me room when I needed it, and complete unwavering support.  I have never doubted their unconditional love for me and never will.

 

Finally, there have been the people at the Centennial Center for the Treatment of Obesity as well as others.  So here goes:  Thanks and all of my blessings to Dr. Hugh Houston, Kathy Hungerford, Dr. Janice Livengood, Pamela Helmlinger, Audrey Turner, Dr. Shaun Bivens and his staff, Dr. Erich Groos, Dr. Philip Fleming.  Everyone on that list has been a part of being my own personal Rudy Wells - Helping me rebuild myself better, faster, and stronger.  I did the work, they set me on the path and help me keep to it.

 

Popular media has portrayed the bariatric surgery process as being "the easy way".  As I mentioned to someone earlier today I want to dropkick someone into another time zone every time I hear that.  This has not been easy - either physically or emotionally.  I have had to face parts of myself that I have run from since third grade to get healthy.  I have had tears and pain - both physical and emotional.  I have also had great victories and joys.  Most of all, I have my life back in a way that I can live it an love it now.

 

The state board doesn't have much activity, the main surgical forums have much more traffic.

 Agreed with the above.  A lot of relationships start phyisical but become rooted in a love of the person - not the physical.  I hope thats where your relationship is.

If your partner wants you to stay obese or overweight to satisfy a fetish - thats unhealthy.  Unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the relationship.  Its a form of abuse really.  And you owe yourself so much more.  You deserve someone that loves you for who you are, not what you are.

Long ago, I was in a relationship with a "closet chaser".  He was only attracted to me for my size but never said it out loud.  I figured it out when he was masturbating and feeling chafe marks on my thighs.

Not Good.

In the end its not really any different than if you were with someone just because they had a six pack and kept encouraging them to diet and go to the gym just because you didn't want them to lose those abs.

 You Go Girl!  You look amazing!

 I think you may be over thinking.

in AA they frequently tell people not to date until they can take care of a potted plant and keep it alive for a year.  The idea being take the time to get to a healthy place yourself.

What happened in the past is past.  Your weight, your plastics, your previous dating "experience".  Its may color your perceptions, but its not really important.  You are looking for a partner not a job.  You don't have to present a romantic resume to justify yourself.

The most important thing is to be secure and happy in yourself.  You need to be in a place where you can love yourself before you can share that love with others.  Just like you had to address food issues and emotional issues for your weight loss, you have to do the same here.  Once you know yourself, then you can recognize what complements and completes you in someone else.

 I will share the one tool that Dr. Livengood gave us in group that has been extremely helpful to me and my own journey.  She calls it "feel and Deal".  When you want to eat, stop and let yourself feel whatever you are feeling before going to eat.  I couple this with the five - why method from root cause analysis.  My internal conversation mught go something like this:

I want to go eat, Why?

I'm Hungry.

You just ate an hour ago, you arent physically hungry.  Why?

I'm Bored.

You have plenty of work to do, you could go for a wlak, Why are you bored?

So forth and so on.  Keep asking yourself why.  Usually in 5 steps you will get to whats going on.  Once you understand what really motivates you to want to eat, you can develop strategies for dealing with that.  My strategies usually take a few forms:

1.  Redirection - rewire that impulse to eat into something else, sipping on water, doing bicep curls or chest presses, anything other than eating

2.  Avoidance - Get yourself out of the situation where you want to eat.  I found that I eat when I am alone, out of loneliness.  When I find myself alone and wanting to eat I go for a walk or call people, or sometimes jump on here and post. 

3.  Dealing - this is uasually the most mature of my responses.  I learn to acknowledge my feelings and deal with them as they really are.  On my journey I have also learned that I eat when I feel deprived.  I am a huge fan of instant gratification.  When I don't get what I want now, I get stressed and turn to what I can to satisfy that need.  Food is an easy thing for instant gratification.  I have developed tools for figuring out when I am doing that, and techniques for reminding mysellf that I am not being deprived of anything, but value what I do have.

This has been really powerful for me.  Also, I have begun writing journals and blogs.  I write down the things what I am feeling and just let the thoughts flow.  Just putting it on paper helps recognize things that you may not want to face mentally.  

 Awesome!

 It was painful.

To start getting ahold of my real motives for eating, I had to go back and face some real pain from my past. 

I wouldn't trade a minute of that pain for not having dealt with it.  I had to learn to deal with my emotions to become healthy, not only pysically but mentally.  You may be a train wreck for a while.  The good thing is that in the long term you will be better balanced.

Also, I know where you are going - you have amazing resources to help you deal and develop strategies.  The Psychological led support groups by Dr. Ihrig and Dr. Livegood are awesome.  Kathy's support group is awesome.  Make use of all of those.  If you can also do some private counseling thats good.  I am starting to see Dr. Livengood privately as well as in group.

 For me, over time, I gave up on worrying about it.  I live my life as openly as I want to.  Deep down, I just figure if people can't appreciate me for who I am , then screw them.

I never hid having WLS.  I wasn't going into another closet.  I give a situationally appropriate level of detail if the question comes up.  I never really bought into the argument about it being a "private" thing.  I think we have so much internalized shame over being fat, and then shame over not being able to manage our weight or lose it without surgery, that it just compounds on itself.  That was the first thing to let go of.

 Best of Luck!  I'm also in Nashville and lost 153 lbs in 38 weeks.  Whos your surgeon?

I have an interesting question, that I NEVER thought would be a possibility.

146 pounds down, I find myself now wearing a size MEDIUM - which I never thought was possible for me (I REALLY cannot be becoming a 41 year old twink).  My partner is also a medium (although hes two inches shorter than me, so no borrowing his pants).  For those of you who are partnered - do you share clothes?  Is there an etiquette for that?

Just Curious.

 I'll have to look for it!