Dealing with MAJOR Emotional issues Post-op.

PaulaBigLoser
on 8/18/04 4:24 am - Metro Atlanta, GA
I don't even really know where to begin but I need advice from some of you post ops who've dealt with similar situations. I will try to be concise and to the point here. I have realized in the past month or so how heavily I medicated my unhappiness (primarily in my marriage) with food for years and years pre-op. I am now dealing with being unhappy in my marriage because I cannot just eat to make myself happy anymore. I don't feel and haven't felt the kind of love for my husband that I need to feel for most of our marriage. This has now come to the forefront and we are trying to work on things. We'll be starting marriage counseling within the next couple of weeks as soon as our budget allows. How in the world do you deal with the onslaught of issues that pop up as a result of not being able to ignore them as we did in the past by just making ourselves happy with food. I mean, I know the issues have to be faced and dealt with but what if they're life changing decisions...things that might have been able to be fixed if they'd been addressed years ago but now have just gone on for too long. I just don't know if or how I can get that love back for my husband. He's a wonderful man...there's no abuse of any sort and I am extremely lucky to have him...there's just a HUGE void there because I don't feel the kind of passionate love for him that I should. Again...this is NOT a new issue...what's new is that I now have to deal with it instead of stuffing that unhappiness with food. Any comments, experiences with similar situations, etc. woudl be GREATLY appreciated. Paula Lap RNY 10/14/03 362/219/
irisheyes
on 8/27/04 5:00 am - Harmony, MN
Sorry I don't have any words to help, but know that you are not alone! I"m going through the exact same thing right now. I wish you the best of luck Katie
William H.
on 9/6/04 10:18 pm - North Lauderdale, FL
You said it yourself. "I now have to deal with it". You say he is a wonderful guy. It's not his fault that you chose to deal with it with food for so long. Get HELP! Run, do not walk to a local pastor or marriage counselor. Avoid the "grass is always greener" syndrome. Walking away is not dealing with it. Your marriage is worth the effort.
The-Irish-Lassie
on 9/16/04 10:51 am - Brazoria, TX
Okay, this is just my 2 cents worth... I know that there are a ton of things that we have to deal with post-op. I have found that no matter how difficult they may be it is all about choice. We have our hormones raging because as we lose weight they are released from the fat where they have been trapped for who knows how long. I have read many post of people that consider there marriage a mess after surgery. So many things are changing. However, you speak very good about your husband. You said... there's just a HUGE void there because I don't feel the kind of passionate love for him that I should. Again...this is NOT a new issue...what's new is that I now have to deal with it instead of stuffing that unhappiness with food. I can only speak for myself when I say that I was not as passionate with my husband (even though we had not been married that long) as I wanted to be. However, as I lose more and more weight I become more comfortable in intimate situations. I found that a lot of the problems that were so major to me melted away when I got to the point that I had to be happy with myself. I will be saying a prayer for you and your husband and if you want to talk you can email me. I check my email everyday...sometimes twice a day. I think that you are making a good choice in getting some marriage consuling. It is so worth working out when you have a good man. Take care of yourself Paula. Shannon The Irish Lassie 266/186/140 46lbs. from goal
Diane F.
on 5/5/05 9:08 am - Upstate, NY
Hi Paula, Thank you for such honest sharing. My surgery date is June 8, and this issue you speak of is one of my biggest fears. I even have trouble acknowledging it to myself. I am going to go to a psychologist to talk some things through. I think my approach is going to be that I have to work it out somehow with him and with myself. I do not want us to split up - I couldn't do it for my childrens' sakes, but also he is a very good man and I know I am not easy to live with. He would be devastated and feel so abandonned and I couldn't live with myself. Somehow I have to find peace, happiness, and a way to connect with people at the deep and passionate level I crave. Do you wonder if maybe we imagine life is greener somewhere else. Good luck, truly. Let me know how you are doing. Feel free to e-mail. Diane
donaramirez
on 7/23/05 2:13 pm - Las Cruces, NM
Hey Paula: Its aways hard when changes happen and it disrupts the "mojo" in your family life and the love for your partner. Couple of things I think you can check out... one if you or your husband have employment the companies usually have whats called "EAP" Employee assistance Program" which allows people or couples to get counseling free of charge. Usually you can get 4 sessions... and sometimes more depending on your employment. Second, whenever there is change the family structure tries to get back the equalibrium to what it was. Ie. you have a screaming partner... he stops then all of a sudden your teenage take on the same role. This is typical in counseling. I no longer counsel but I can tell you that you need to seek whatever resources you have if marriage is worth saving. See your priest, minister, local support group or license counselor. Im sorry I cant give you more, but everyone fears change and your weight Im sure has been a positive change for you and that can make even the most secure partner get scared. I going to be facing surgery in a few weeks and me and my spouse have talked about the changes we might encounter. We both recognize that we will probably have some problems ... but we are both willing to talk and work things through as we face them. He doesnt know how he will react to a thinner me. His fear is I will change in attitude and love... but like all of us - -its not about them, its about helping ourselves for the first time in most cases. Good luck my sister... communicate your needs and fears to open the channels of love with your husband. Dorise
Dani96
on 3/25/06 12:52 am - Fallbrook, CA
Abuse is not the only issue that create the void between husband and wife. It most be somethig real serious to have the HUGE void. You have been carrying this for a long time and you no longer can hide it anymore. I try to hide it and I finally asked for the big D last night. It is so deep and so old and beyong repair. He knew it was there and was not willing to work on fixing it then what make you think he will try to fix it now. If you want to talk we could vent and support each other. This is my private email [email protected] Dani
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