Some concerns about upcoming surgery

I'm currently in the process of getting pre-authorization from my insurance company so I haven't had the surgery yet but I have a close married friend who has. Recently her husband confided to my husband about how hard it has been for him after her surgery. The entire time he has known her she has been overweight and always at his side during social gatherings. Now, after surgery, she's a size ten, much more outgoing and frequently will mingle when in a crowd. Her husband recently began taking an anti-anxiety medication but refuses to seek counseling. My husband wasn't sure how to take this but has commented that he doesn't think he'll feel this way at all. But, when I look at our friends and at us I realize we could easily be in the same situation. I tend to hide behind my weight and I think it makes my husband feel more confident. I also think he hides behind my weight. Any suggestions for me or my friends?

Jennifer; I don't know that I have specific advice, but I will warn you...the statistic that I found when I was doing all of me pre-op research was that 72% of couples divorce within the first two years after one spouse has WLS. It's scary, but I can completely understand how it happens. I discussed the stats with my husband when I initially talked to him about WLS. I assured him that I didn't want WLS to find a new husband, I wanted it so I could live longer with him. We've been together for over 15 years and married for nearly 9. We have been through lots of family changes, cross country relocation and lots of other challenges together and have always come through stronger, so I really didn't think we'd have those types of problems, but wanted to put it all out on the table so we could make a decision together. He's been very supportive throughout my journey, but the last few weeks have been stressful. We both travel a lot for our respective jobs and lately one of us has been gone every week, so we've only been seeing one another on the weekends. He's noticing huge differences in my appearance every time we are reunited and has become very negative about his weight. He's 6'5" and about 330. If you were to meet him, the initial reaction isn't "that guy's fat," it's more "wow, that's a big guy." He's just kind of like a wall. I adore him exactly the way he is and don't want him to change, although I completely understand his point of view knowing how miserable I was before even though he insisted that he loved me the way I was pre-op. So, now he's retreating. Last weekend, we were both home on only Friday night and Saturday and he didn't hug or kiss me once. If I initiate for a hug, he says things like "You don't feel the same. It's like I'm cheating on you." or "You're getting so tiny." The way he says it, it does not sound like a compliment. So, I left for my current trip on Sunday morning and will be gone until Thursday. He leaves for Chicago on Sunday. I'll be meeting him in Chicago the following Friday for the weekend. I know nothing is going to resolved until we're both in the same city for more than 48 hours at a time, but it's scary and it's hard. Physically, I feel amazing, but emotionally, it's definitely a roller coaster. In social situations, we've always been very independent of one another, so there hasn't been a difference there. Although at this point, I'd prefer that social situations be uncomfortable and our one-on-one time be normal. With regard to your friend's hubby, anti-anxiety medication is great, but without counseling to learn mechanisms to cope with the anxiety, it's not nearly as effective. As my therapist described it to me, if you were in a pool filled with staph and your doctor gave you antibiotics, you wouldn't get sick, but until you can figure out how to get out of the pool, you're not really helping yourself. (Being a completely anxious person, I still fixate on "what's wrong with me that I can't get out of the pool!?!" but that's my issue to keep working out with her.) Anyway, hopefully I haven't freaked you out too bad. At this point, I don't regret my surgery, however, I'm sure I will if it costs me my marriage. Blessings, Jennifer 253 / 191 / ???

Jennifer- I had the surgery May 13, 2005. So I am a lil over 10 months out. The percentage of ppl who get a divorce after weightloss surgery, but you have to think of the percentage who don't have weightloss surgery and get a divorce. In my case, my husband and I have NEVER been closer than we are today. We argued this first 2 1/2 years of our marriage, we will be married 4 yrs this July. I mean we wanted to get a divorce SO many times. Our marriage slowly started to get better, less arguing and such. He was totally there for me for the surgery. I am more out going. BUT I only go out w/hubby and if I mingle he is right by my side. You can chose to make ur marriage work or chose to not. If you get more attention bc of the weight loss and react to it then yea that hurts a marriage. I could care less who thinks I look good LOL! Hubby is the only one that matters to me. I chose to let ppl know where I stand. I mean yea its nice to get attention due to me NEVER having any when I was fat except from my hubby. But he loved me when I was fat and fatter. I am not in any way saying your friend is in the wrong. I just know if you get the attention and react to it that can put a burden on the marriage. As for you worrying about your hubby. Reassure him. I still reassure mine. Men have to know that they are all you want, and that you love them. That they are your one and only you wanna be w/. Your true love and all that other stuff. I use to hide behind my weight it. Now I don't and still haven't changed. Reassure him. Everything will be ok. If you want to be w/him then you will continue to be w/him. I hope everything works out for you and him and your friend too. I truely wish you the best, and your friend. ~April~ May 13, 2005 21 yrs old, 5'1 231 / 140 / 120

Hi Jennifer, I think every couple is different, so don't get too freaked out about what will happen after surgery. Remember, marriage is a two way street. If you're afraid that you will want to wonder off and mingle...make a promise to yourself to make sure you don't fall into that. I had my original WLS in Jan '00 and met my hubby in June '01 after lossing about 160 pounds. My hubby had also had WLS in March '00, so we understand each other. I've gained back part of my weight and had a revision in Sept '05. I enjoy being his beautiful wife and even though I mingle at parties, I always make him feel special and spend the majority of my time at his side. His attitude as I'm lossing more weight, is that his wife is more and more beautiful...and he is pleased to show me off. I don't hesitate to show my affection to him in public. All that said...work together and you both will enjoy the changes. Oh, and the changes that happen in the bedroom...wonderful! Good luck! Marsha