My wife says I look emaciated and that everyone asks her if "I am ill". Is it just the dramatic change? Is she undermining me because she is carrying a few extra pounds? My BMI is 27.2 down from 42 which is "slightly overweight". My personal goal is 160 which is right in the middle of my ideal range, I am 19 pounds out from that. She is insisting on going to my next Nut and Surgeon appointment so she can raise hell. What to do?   :-)

Undermining? Not necessarily.  My speculation is that she is getting tired of you getting all the attention and her having to do all the explaining. 

 Hi Don,

Yes, she does care what people think... and I don't! It is the whispers from her sisters who have never seen me at less than 285 lbs that get to her. "are you sure he is not sick or something", and "is Brian feeling OK?" F 'em all I say! I feel fantastic and love my new life.

I do understand your concern. I had a similar issue and it's frustration although no one threatened to chew out the nut on my behalf. I simply told everyone that I was just going to allow my body to "normalize" based in its reaction to my new diet and lifestyle. It didn't shut anyone up, but made me feel better!

 Hi Ken,

I told her the nut is going to laugh at her... wait till she sees what the Nut looks like- 105 lbs soaking wet, all legs and ehem, breasts.

I might suggest that you refrain from telling the wife that you even noticed the -- ehem. -- breasts. Or for that matter that you'd even imagined this woman soaking wet, unless you want the nagging to take an immediate change in content.

LOL, yes I have 23 years of service in... Been there, done that!

When I first heard the words.. "You're getting too thin" I automatically thought they were kidding... but a lot of people said  that to me.. and my kids kept asking.."how do you stop loosing"..  My wife was very supportive although I did see her roll her eyes when I'd run from the scale worried that I gained a pound (normal fluctuation) and a couple times she said.. "Relax Anna".. (short for anorexic)

I think when you are loosing weight rapidly you do look gaunt, and maybe even a bit sickly.. but after your weight stabilizes for awhile, you seem to fit into your skin..  Maybe it's just that people get used to seeing you thin after awhile.

I'm approximately the same weight after 2 years that I was after 1 year, but people tell me I look better now.. Although I have lots of wrinkled, puckered loose skin under my clothes I think possibly my face has "tightened up" a bit..  but it might also be that I'm now wearing size appropriate clothes that fit, instead of loose clothes that were way too big for me.

When we're really obese we can loose 20 or 30 pounds and nobody even notices. When we start to approach a somewhat normal size people are full of compliments. When we start to get thin (or what is actually a healthy BMI) people start to worry.. because this last transformation is the most drastic.. and eh.. maybe they are a little jealous too. Most adults over 30 carry 10-30 pounds extra and all of sudden you are slimmer than them.

If your blood work is all normal, and you feel great and have lots of energy, then I wouldn't worry about it.. Let your wife got with you.. maybe she just needs to hear from a professional that this
is normal and VERY healthy.

 Hey Brian-
This is precisely the stuff that they have a psycologist in the program for. My shrink told me at the first appointment to expect these kind of comments and worse from strangers to yer other half. It's how you deal with them that matters. Don't forget- you did what you did for yourself- even though your actions may benefit loved ones in the big picture. 

Try to keep in mind that people (especially people who are overweight themselves) who look at your transformation, lifestyle change and attitude are generally looking into a mirror and are seeing something that they could be if they had the stones to do what you did. Alot of people don't and probably never will and that perhaps brings out the jealousy and contempt- hence the comments and attitude. Worry about what your doing and not about what other people are saying about what you're doing. In simpler terms -f--k 'em. Sorry if it sounds harsh, and I'm trying not to sound like I'm riding on a high horse, but it is what it is.

I am currently into the tail end of a family reunion being hosted at my house. Every adult in my immediate family - everyone except me- is either obese or needs a reality check regarding their health, mainly eating and drinking habits. And I mean EVERYONE. My younger brother, bloated and ****faced wound up calling me and asshole and said **** you to me several times as a result (as far as I can gather) about making a comment about registering for road races. Did it bother me? Sure did, but I can't waste my time letting someone bring me down because I'm trying to improve my life. So I responded by getting up this morning and running a 5 miler before anyone else was up. And then I cooked breakfast for everyone in the house. I'm not even sure if he realized what an asshole he was being to me last night. And he was too hungover to apologize, and left with just a handshake. Oh well.... you get the point.

Have not had any bad blood with my older brother over WLS but he has made it clear he would not consider it.  He's MO, BMI of 50+, BP, diabetic etc but is scared ****less of going under the knife. 

 Thanks Tim for the wisdom, your posts alway**** the spot. Isn't it funny what alcohol does to some people? I am sorry you had to put up with that in your home... we know you are not an asshole! Don't you just love the quiet in the morning before the rest of the world is up?

Keep on keepin' on brother!

Brian

I'm not religious, but I will say " AMEN" to that!!

A few thoughts...Thinking back to when I was near my lowest.  Telling my wife "I've lost another pound!!" really got old with her after awhile.  I found I had to keep it to myself or post on this forum.  While she would be up a pound or two I was loosing.  It came to a head when I asked her if those where her pants or mine she was pulling from the dryer...Went over like a lead balloon.  When I got below 190...I'm 5"11', people would come up and tell me how gaunt I looked.  I looked like I came from a WWII concentration camp.  I was very healthy (good labs and heart)...But the loose skin makes you look sickly.  I have heard that if you have not gone below 2% body fat (excluding skin) you should be fine.  That is what your goal could/should be...and maintaining at that weight.  Yeah, I know each person is different and never reaching goal is not failing...The idea is we are all trying to get healthy...The looks are just a bonus.  Just saying if you can get down to that percent you are still healthy.  Mention that to the nut and see what she says...

Want to add my nutritionist said I was a medium frame...I laughed!  I was a football lineman in high school...What was he talking about.  But as I dropped the weight, I could see what he meant.  You may be a medium to small frame so the goal of 160 may not be out of place...

All good points.  My experience was that I lost weight much faster from above my mid-section than below (except for the man boobs).   Three years out and my face and shoulders are very lean.  But, my thighs and calves are still pretty big.

Also, the excess skin can account for 15-35 lbs.  I haven't had plastic surgery and don't plan to, but a guy from my support group that I lead had his excess abdominal skin removed in "around the world" procedure.  He is my height (5'11"), my frame size (medium), and was about my pre-op weight (378 lbs).  He lost about 25 lbs with his plastic surgery.  I'm still working to reach my goal of 190.

Your mileage may vary...

 I recently bought a new scale that measures weight PLUS body fat % and a few other measurements, etc.

BMI is pretty much useless from all the reading I am seeing so I tend to ignore it.

Body FAT % on the other hand is a pretty good indicator of good "weight" for you!

The only TRULY accurate test is where they dunk you in a big tank, $$ and PITA to find, schedule, etc.  But the bio-ompendence stuff is the second highest rated test for accuracy.

The home versions are "ok" (compared to what my local hospital has) but at least gives you a good starting point.

This has the most interesting chart I can find!!  My measurement on my home scale/device has been 26.3-27.2% (201 to 203ish pounds)

http://www.builtlean.com/2010/08/03/ideal-body-fat-percentag e-chart/ 

So that puts me at approx 148 pounds of "Lean Weight" (Muscle, Bones, etc, everything but fat)

BMI scale btw is like 29-30 for me (normal 18.5 to 24.5 which translates to 128lbs to 169lbs)
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/guidelines/obesity/bmi_tbl.htm  

If we start with 148 lbs of lean, 169lbs (the top end of normal in BMI) would only be 12.4% of body fat!!  According to the BODY FAT charts the top end of BMI would put me in the same range as Athletes (2 steps BELOW normal!!)

So I guess what I am trying to say here is this... do a bit of research on Body Fat % and come up with what is truly "healthy" for you and your body!!

What is cool is that for my age group, 41, I am now NORMAL!!! (Top end of normal...) at 201 lbs, 26-27% body fat %.

Dittos on all the above stuff, but get some TOOLS for your arguments about still losing weight.  I also would "consider" the fact that we are likely carrying around 10-20lbs of extra skin that throws off these ratios further.  (See the post about the plastic surgery guy that lost 25lbs!!!?)

Ok, last link.. the scale I bought because I really did want to know and start measuring this stuff so I would have the tools/knowledge!!


http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001IV61J4/ref=oh_details_o 01_s01_i00 

 A few more notes... 

At 330lbs ( a few years ago) I had a similar scale that put my lean weight at approx 165lbs!!!

So I lost about 17lbs of muscle and "lean" weight from surgery..?

http://ebooks.cambridge.org/chapter.jsf?bid=CBO9780511770586 &cid=CBO9780511770586A016 

5'9"  65kg = 143lbs for small frame

1kg = 2.20462 lbs

Sam