You described me throughout most of my adult life, prior to my surgery. I threw things, cut, raged, flipped out, ate, drank, cut some more, hit, threw temper tantrums galore. Only with the help of a therapist and psychiatric meds did I get some stability, which I can throw away in a new York minute by drinking again.
Trust is a huge issue for me. I have seen the same therapist for almost 20 years. Took me 14 years to trust him enough that I would cry in front of him. I still believe he will abandon me, and drop me as his patient if I don't get better, or start drinking. I have even lashed out at him, in a drunken rage, on his voicemail.
My diagnoses include binge eating disorder, alcoholism, borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. What has helped me, medication, intensive psychotherapy, active participation in outpatient treatment for both the eating disorder, (pre-op) and alcoholsim (for the past year), as well as regular attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
If you truly want to get better, you will have to do things differently than you do them now. It will mean not always getting things you want when you want them. I might mean giving up addictions, like alcohol and nicotine. It will also mean taking the risk of participating in psychotherapy again. I speak from personal experience.
Because of my outrageous behavior, I lost my marriage, and hurt my children terribly. Thank God they have forgiven me, and care about me now. But, in my outrageous acting out, I got myself into over $60,000 of credit card debt, which I am now in bankruptcy for. I also participated in sexual acting out for several years after my divorce.
I am not proud of any of that. It has brought me deep shame, especially because I am now a psychotherapist myself at a psychiatric hospital. I was able to go to graduate school and earn a Masters in Social Work. I hear my therapist constantly saying, "Physician, Heal Thyself." I can lose my social work license if I keep drinking, not to mention the risks I take of possibly driving under the influence.
I am concerned for you, because I vaguely remember you posting on the PA Forum, and not being happy with some of the responses you received. I hope you are able to take honest feedback, as that is what I am about. I speak from my own pain, and experience. I learned some tough lessons, and after my husband walked out, I had to take an honest look at my behavior and realize that I was nothing more than a spoiled child, and at the age of 44, that is humiliating. When my own children behaved more maturely, and more rationally than me, I knew I had to grow up and take responsibility for myself.
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.