I was always one of those people that swore i would never wear a bikini and i likely never wear a full bikini but last week in an attempt to embrace my new body and celebrate my accomplishments i bought my first ever bikini top (sports bra type)  I also bought a bathing suit bottom with a built in skirt as i felt i needed something to cover up the loose skin hanging from my inner thighs and a tankini top that i could layer over the bikini top at times when i was not comfortable showing off skin.  I wore them all at canadas wonderland yesterday in the water park and felt pretty darn good. 

That is the good news...but there is more i need to share and hope there is someone out there that can relate and understand.  Eight months out and 140 pounds down i can say this journey has been one hell of a ride.  Sometimes good and sometimes not so good.  Yesterday my husband and i took my nine year old daughter to Canada's wonderland to celebrate her birthday.  We were able to fit comfortably on all the rides and had the energy and stamina to easily walk the park with no problems.  We even went on all the major thrill rides as we had promised my daughter that one day when we could fit on the rides we would go on em all!  So coming off the laviathan (never thought i would survive that one) we went to look at the picture taken of us mid ride to get some giggles.  My husband quickly identified the picture he said was us and pointed it out to my daughter.  I looked at it blankly with no recognition and told him with complete conviction that it was not us.  Having focused in on the woman in the picture first i simply didnt know who it was but knew it wasnt me.  Even after several closer looks it wasnt until i focused in on the fact that 'the woman' was sitting next to my husband and daughter and wearing my clothes that i realized the woman was me.  Who was i looking for?  Now that i am not the 313 pound scared and uncomfortable looking woman in the picture i cant recognize myself.

Although a little scarey it really is awesome.  Won't it be great to get to know you again?

 Part 2 - as some of you know i have struggled a great deal with anxiety about eating and food since my surgery.  Prior to surgery i struggled with depression.  Since surgery my depression issues have all but disappeared and i have been successfully weaned off all my medication.  Unfortunately some new issues have appeared in place of the old ones.  Anxiety!!  I have been advised there is no point in me taking medication for this anxiety as it is not generalized and only specific to food and eating but it has proven to be quite the challange to cope with.  Before christmas i began severely restricting what and how much i ate till i was basically eating one small meal a day.  I knew this was not healthy so i reached out for help from my hospital and i am pleased to say TWH immediately responded by setting up weekly phone appointments with the bariatric clinic's psychologist.  By the end of January i was eating three small meals a day and even adding in some snacks.  I slowly began restricting less and some of my anxiety decreased.  I know some of you will not understand why i couldnt simply change my thinking and behavior but please dont judge as anyone with a history of mental health issues will understand that such issues are not simply mind over matter but rather that the mind is the matter.  I would like to tell you that my improvement continued and all is well now but unfortunately recently an increase in anxiety was triggered by a weight loss plateau (which my mind knows is normal but my anxiety doesnt seem to be able to accept) and i am again struggling with a great fear of food and eating.  I continue to speak to the clinic psychologist weekly and am completely honest about all my feelings and behaviour.  I am not looking for anyone here to solve my problems but rather hoping someone else can relate and maybe share their struggles and maybe some hope with me.  I really have a genuine fear now that i have developed an eating disorder and that this will be a lifelong struggle.  Some days i just feel lost and dont know who i am anymore.

I know who you are:  you are beautiful, you are special, you are strong, you are survivor.  I too suffer from depression and my son from anxiety.  I sometimes think anxiety is worse to deal with than anxiety.  Your weight loss did not happen over night and neither will getting your anxiety under control.  Keep taking it one meal at a time and each meal is a success.  I will keep you in my prayers.  Keep up the good work!

Hi

I do not have the degree of anxiety that you describe with respect to eating, but I do have trouble  "eating more" now that I am trying to maintain my weight.  After 40 years of focusing on eating less, it is really hard to force myself now to eat more now - when I'm not even hungry!

The only help I have found is to focus on the idea of being healthy, and the knowledge that if I don't eat enough my body will start feeding on itself which will only make things worse.  When I run into days where I haven't eaten enough I turn to power bars.  They are relatively small, require no preparation, and are nutritionally dense.  I visualize my heart weakening if I don't get enough protein in; then I find something to distract me from the food ( a game, a book, a TV show); break it into smaller peices, and eat the darn thing even if it takes 30 minutes!  This works for me better than anything else.   

It's tough, I know.  Sounds like you're doing the right things to get help though, and I wish you the best for climbing this new hill like you climbed the weight loss one.

Claire
HW 348
CW 136
16 months post-op

Good for you fro reaching out!

If changing our thinking were easy, none of us would have needed surgery, mental health issues or no. The fact that you have MH issues on top means what I see is full out bravery, not judgement.

Relearning yourself is a lifelong journey. Some days the work is harder than others.

I can't wait to go to Wonderland. I had a terribly humiliating experience there about 15 years ago. Even though I'm down 180 pounds, I still feel like I won't fit... and don't really have anybody to go with, so I haven't had a chance.

 What an absolutely beautiful post!  It really speaks to the invisible challenges of this surgery...the way that we have to very quickly reconfigure our sense of self and how any personal struggles that we carry with us re: mental health, are sometimes intensified by the process of wls.  Congrats on getting off your antidepressants!  It sounds like you are doing everything right to manage the anxiety.  I have my own set of mental health challenges post-op, some lingering from before and some new ones.   Mental and emotional wellness is just as important as physical wellness...so just keep working on yourself with an attitude of loving compassion.  You're doing great! :)

So wonderful that you contact your hospital and psychologist for help. You recognized there was a problem and reached out. That is AWESOME. I am preop and have had an issue with depression. We must step forward and ask for help. Mental illness is nothing to be embarrassed by and we need to ask for help. You are one amazing lady. Big pat on the back.

 I like Laura's post!  There are extremely few pictures of myself because I hate the large guy I am (was)!  Relate?  Oh yeah! 

It is my humble (and completely untrained opinion) that all of us who can have government paid bariatric surgery have an eating disorder of some sort!  Very few, if any of us got to these sizes because we wanted to or it was what was best for us!  You have identified problems you're having and need to continue seeking help to solve them and get/stay healthy.  Can I also realte?  Oh yeah! 

Enjoy the new memories you're making and love your family!  Regards, Ian  

Hi babybuggie! 

I feel that I was meant to read your post tonight.  I have struggled with depression in my past and felt it was partly due to the stress of being a single parent, high stress job and financial pressures.  I had many hurdles and did well  to manage these stressors  and then along came menopause at age 40ish.  My mood was all over the map and finally went on the first of many SSRI's including one that was meant for migraine headaches (Topomax) as it had an appetite reducing quality.  My doctor was female and was very supportive and sympathetic about my weight struggles.  All through the changes of different meds - weaning off one only to start on something else my weight continued upwards.  I always felt that I had good self-esteem and was very social but began to feel very anxious in social settings and then started finding excuses and dropping out of what once was enjoyable interactions  I blamed my weight gain on the side effects of meds, and on an on. The viscious cirlce continued.

My life seemed to be on an even keel for sometime and I felt that I wanted to wean off anti-depressants but now with all the weight ( I am 5'2 and last weighed in for my referral at 292 lbs) my joints hurt so much (arthritis) and was finally diagnosed, after an MRI on my back, with 2 herniated discs and arthritis setting in on the lower spine.  So I am dealing with chronic pain and the weight kept on going up its merry way (weigh lol).  

I worry like you have so well described about the food issues that we carry with us and how I will cope with the new life.  Overall I am excited but am a little concerned about the the next part of this journey.  I commend you so highly on your honest and wonderful story and keep up the great work.  The best part is that you have reached out and we seem to have to learn how to do that over and over no matter what.  Keep posting with your story and enjoy that freedom you have worked so hard to achieve.

Nancy
 

 I found your post very moving.  I suffer from OCD and panic disorder.  I have worried about developing the same fear of food....the last thing I need is to develop another trigger.  I think you are doing the right things to get through this.  Your openness and honesty will keep you headed in the right direction.  

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Keep checking I with us.

Tracey inOttawa

 As many can relate on here, I too have a mental illness (bipolar disorder, with anxiety) and have been concerned about having my anxiety set off again (it's pretty controlled now) because of food and my own weight loss.  I am grateful to know that there is someone who understands.