Mommy issues

I'm posting because I can't eat and this is going to continue to be an issue I will have to manage.

I visited my mom and dad this past weekend and my mom was very kind and generous in loaning me some clothes that no longer fit her.  Then as we leave the room she says using a nasty tone - don't expect anything for your birthday.  Then later as she's cleaning out her purse, she pulls a small item out and waves it at me saying in a sing song voice, want it/you can't have it - it was a piece of chocolate.

Now I'm 45 and don't expect anything for my birthday and its not what she said but how she said it.  I've also recognized interactions with my mom as a trigger - twice now, I've eaten way too fast related to this and been ill for 2 hours after.  I have tried everything to try to have a healthy relationship with my mom - straight forward talking, laughing it off, arguing, demanding, cutting her off (but have decided I'm not going to do that) setting limits on what we can talk about/not over the last 20 years and have settled on distancing/less frequent visits and shrugging off the baiting/mean stuff.  I know she had a lot of trauma as a kid, and I'm pretty sure she has some mental health issues which she won't look into so I have some understanding and compassion but I also have to protect myself.  She'll give you something and be very generous with one hand and then stab you with the other because she feels vulnerable.  Or she's inept.  Or she needs to do it verbally because she can no longer attack me physically.  Or I'm hypersensitive to anything and everything as a defense mechanism.

I realized before surgery that as soon as I enter her house or her mine that I start eating and continue until its over.  My therapist asked me what I thought it was about - my first thought was to silence myself.  My sibling thought that perhaps it was self-soothing immediate and ongoing because I know she's going to do/say something hurtful at some point, I just don't know when.  At this point it just makes me sad for both of us.

Thanks for listening.

So very sad to hear your story about your mom.  It is a very difficult situation and there never any easy solution.  I had the same issues and had to cut my mother off.  It was the last resort solution for me but it may not be for you.

I used to go through the same thing with my mother. Yes my mom had a hard childhood but it is no reason to take it out on the child they decided to have. I also had a crappy and abusive childhood but decided I would not take that out on my kids. The problem was mine not theirs. My husband would come home from work and I would be totally shut down. He would say your mother called today didn't she.

I am sorry to say this but your mother appears to be a very toxic person. You have every right to protect yourself by limiting your exposure to her. In my mothers later years I decided to keep in touch and help her. I am glad I did because I know I did everything I could and have no regrets. But I did decide that I would no longer let her words bother me and leave her when she started.

Our parents have emotional blackmail that no matter how much we want to hate them we keep saying but they are our parent. Try to not let her do this to you. You are a good person worthy of so much more than she can give you

Holy Crap! You and I must be sisters. Or at least, our mothers are. I dread going to see mine because of what she is going to say or do to set me into a tailspin. I have come to the conclusion, that no matter what I do, it's not good enough and never will be. Gifts I buy her end up being regifted and if I give her a gift card, it is used but a comment needs to be made about how little thought I put into it. She has referred to me as fat, ugly, called me Two Ton Tony, from the time I was a young child. Hmmmm...wonder why I have mommy issues? They think they are funny. They think their comments will illicit a positive action and encourage us to lose weight. All it does is compound the hurt, inside and cause us to eat more and feel worse about ourselves. I'm just finishing up Opti, however, 2 weeks ago, she asked if I would be coming by, for a visit, since she won't be able to see me in the hospital. I told her I would try but to not plan a dinner. She asked why not. Told me I can just sit in the other room and drink my shake. Nice, huh? Gee ma, thanks for the encouragement. I'm sure, the day will come that I will miss her and I know she is the only mother I will ever have. I i don't look forward to losing her. I just wish there was a way to educate her.

You are such a strong woman, to have realized these things about your relationship with your mother, and how it affects you. I am sad for you both too.

You can do this. you can have a healthy relationship with yourself, even if you can't have one with her.

Hugs. you're lovely, and a wonderful person.

Oh Sweetie you just read my diary didn't you? I knw exactly how you feel, as I've had to live through those experiences for many years. I tried everything, I found the three things that help me were 1. Healthy distance. 2. Setting those boundries (at whatever cost). 3. Getting my own mind right through-- Realizing she/they has problems that aren't mine, not swallowing what she puts out and recognizing and respecting myself Outside of her! It also helps to give yourself sometime to heal and biuld up outside of her company for a bit. If u share Codependance trust me it will suck u back in before your strong enough to deflect her wiles. We can still love them from a distance. But its time to LOVE yourself first. Sorry so long but your post hits close to home, I feel for you. Stay strong, and don't be a stranger to the OH board when u need encouragement. I wish you the best!!!


Warmly,
C.

Wow, thanks for your kind words and support.  I know she is unable to be the mom I need her to be and I have lots of support in the family and friends I've created and weekly therapy :)

wow........ I had no idea there was anyone else out there who has the exact same relationship with their mother as I do.

I chose the distance to heal myself and went 10 years with no communication. it's only been the last 2 years we have begun to associate in family holiday settings. and occasionally speak thru messages on the internet. This Thanksgiving will be the first time in more than 12 years she will be in my home.  I am determined to not fall back into that same trap where I am totally dependent on her acceptance of me.  I love me, I accept me and if she doesn't then she has the problem not me.

Great advice above - I'd add but I am pretty angry at your Mother right now . Please know you have people and friend here that will support you!

I sympathize completely. I went thru therapy to deal with the relationship with my mother and whoever on here said its her issues is right.  You will work on not making them yours and it will get better all the time.  Boundaries are key.  It's tough!