Does this feeling ever go away?

For decades I hated the way I looked. But pretended to everyone I didn't care if I was big or what people say. I did and still do make jokes about myself, before others can. I am revealing now to people I think may have experienced the same feelings. But if not, will at least understand where I am coming from.

No pretending no faking...I am completely disgusted with myself.

I hate the way I look. I hate that I look more masculine than fem. I hate that I am always the biggest person in the room. I hate that I go to events and have panick attacks wondering if I will fit in the chair and when I do I wonder if it is going to collapse under me. I hate that I can't walk without dibilating pain. I hate that I sweat like a pig as soon as I move my arms.

I don't hate me, I know I am a good person, with a huge heart, I give to charities, I give my time to my family, I love unconditionally. I am good employee, and a good mom. But I can't get past the disgust and the shame of letting myself get this far.

I moved into this apartment 7 years ago, and not one mirror went up I even removed the vanity in my bathroom. I use a small hand held mirrow to do my hair, wash my face and brush my teeth. I avoid dressing rooms, I purchase the clothing and if it feels right when I get home I keep it if not they go back.

I am hoping the day will come when i can look at myself again and not be so angry and feel such extreme hatred for letting myself get this way.

I have chosen to do this surgury for reasons other than vanity because in all honesty, my family, friends and employer do accept me for who I am. But if I am this sore and this unhealthy now, what will it be like in 5, 10 or 15 years if I even make it that far.

However, I do pray every night that this surgery works and that with the better health comes a better frame of mind and maybe some day I can look at myself in the mirror and go...your not that bad.

Even after this rant I don't feel better or relieved, but I feel honest now.

Thank you for listening.

We've all been through this. This too shall pass.

wow, thanks for sharing something so personal and real.

I see myself in many of these statements, the only difference is I feel very positive that the tool will help me get back to a point of feeling that I looked pretty. I don't worry that the feeling won't change.

Last time I lost a lot of weight, I kept thinking 'I'm not there yet'. I look back and look at those pics and wonder what was wrong with me, i looked awesome! This time I vow to be proud of myself every step of the way. I vow to love every smaller size piece of clothing I will wear. I'm so excited and KNOW it will be just the outer change I am hoping for.

I hope that you find that feeling too, I know that you are committed to the process (as we have discussed it) and I am confident you will ROCK IT!

I am not a vet, but my personal experience in the past 3 years is that post WLS life is different, life is better, but not perfect. I love feeling stronger, and move my body everyday in some form of exercise. That was not me pre WLS. I was a sloth. There is a spring in my step now, I have loads of energy, I'm so proud of all the ways this old body has transformed into a healthy body. Clothes look good on me, they fall nicely, and all of that is good, but seeing my muscles develop and get stronger is such a high (I'm not talking body builder, but regular muscles that were under tons of fat before and frankly were pretty weak).

Is my body perfect? Not even close. But for me it is amazing and I will keep pushing those limits to see how this new body responds. I believe with challenge comes change.

Losing weight will get you healthier. You will fit into seats and probably not be the largest person in the room. However many people have a have to work on liking their new bodies. For many there will be a lot of lose skin. You may not have the body you think you will have. Be sure to work on this with the psychologist at your centre.

WLS is the best thing I did for myself. I am healthier and can do so much more than before. If you trully are doing this for better health you will be successful

The feeling will go away, I'm only 4 months out and I already feel a little more "normal" (sorry to use that terminology). As the weight some off, you start to appreciate small things, the cheek bones in your face, the lessening of a double *****omfortably crossing your legs again, sitting in place for a while with ease.

I'm not near goal, but I already feel better about myself, and some of the body loathing has gone away.

You're amazing for taking charge of this and making your way through the process, it's so very worth every hurdle in these last few months before your surgery.

p.s. Dr. Jackson was my surgeon, he's just super, very kind and skilled.

Best of luck, I think you're brave and wonderful.

"comfortably crossing your legs again" I can't wait!!!!

Lisa,

We've all been there and done that. I'm more than 17 years out and there are days when I look at myself and think "oh, dear God."

I think I can safely say that the vast majority of us, before our surgery, simply gave up. There's something to be said about the depression that comes with morbid obesity, particularly if, like myself, you have a family history of it. We don't really care all that much what our hair looks like or what our clothes look like (because, face it, when you have a dress the size of a main sail it doesn't matter if it comes from Gucci or Walmart, it's still bloody ugly) or whether our purse matches our shoes.

I have a very powerful memory of something that not only sustains me if I get down on myself, but what has given meaning to a lot of my life.

When I was a kid (lo, back in the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth, when television was black and white and you had to cross the room to change the channel) there was a program on Sunday afternoons on CBC called Man Alive with Patrick Watson. So one Sunday I'm standing beside the TV, turning the dial and trying to find something other than Tiny Talent Time.

I land on CBC, and Patrick Watson was interviewing a young woman (probably in her early 30s, I say "young" now but at the time I thought she was ancient) with probably the worst cerebral palsy I have ever seen. She was in a wheelchair, had great difficulty speaking, and her body was wracked by contractures.

Her name was Linda something (I can't remember what I had for breakfast, but I can remember this woman's name nearly 50 years later) and she was a Ph.D. at Western University in London. She was telling the story of how when she was born, the doctor told her parents to leave her in a room with all the windows open so she would catch pneumonia and die. Her parents didn't, of course; they took her home and raised her and fought to get her in a mainstream public school in a time where most children with her level of disability were put in an institution and henceforth and forever spoken about in whispers if they were spoken about at all.

So Patrick Watson asked her, "If you could tell people one thing about yourself, what would it be?"

Her answer? "I am not what you see."

I've hung on to that -- sometimes so hard my knuckles were white -- ever since. We are not what people see, and we don't have to accept their -- or even our own -- perceived limitations on what that might be.

Acknowledging how you feel is 3/4 of the battle to fixing it. Feelings are just that -- feelings, and mostly quite fleeting. You might benefit from talking with someone -- a counsellor, a pastor, a friend -- if you are up to it.

Please know that we're here for you if you need to talk, because your experience is the same as most of ours on the forum, and if nothing else, we prove that you can come out the other side and still be standing.

Thank you, this is the most amazing post and for the first time in as long as i could remember when reading it I felt that little tinge of hope, and I have to say I cried because i relate to Linda of course my situation is not nearly as severe and can be fixed but it is so true, I am not what they see! I am going to hold on to that too. You really have no idea what your post means to me. It triggered something. That is my start. Thank you!

Wonderful post.