When I started this crazy journey almost 6 years ago I thought I knew, I thought I had researched 'enough', and today I now know there is never 'enough' research. There cannot be. It would be like reading a book on being a mother and then saying 'I know what it's like to be pregnant and deliver a baby'. Silly really. This journey has been mine, individual and independent from anyone else's. I've made tons of mistakes, gotten involved in friendships that were not friendships, made choices that kicked my hiney hard, and learned how to live in a world where I finally have found my 'spot'. That 'spot' of course, is internally. It feels good deep down inside to know I will live longer now, especially since life is now worth living. I wanted to die at 388 pounds, daily I prayed for it 'Please just don't make me wake up in the morning'. And, then I'd wake up, and go through the pain and shame of living in a grossly large body. It feels really good to be able to find clothing easily, well pretty much, sometimes a size 4 pants is difficult – they tend to disappear fast off the shelves. It feels good to develop my own sense of style, knowing what I like and how I look best in certain styles, where before it was a large piece of fabric with a hole for the neck and arms. It feels good to be told I'm beautiful or that someone wants their hair like mine, or would I show someone how to apply eyeshadow, or where did you get that sweater I love it. It feels good for someone to say to me how impossible it is to imagine me at almost 400 pounds when they see my pictures. It feels really good to have an morbidly obese client sit and cry with me because I totally empathize with her situation.

So, while this has been a journey fraught with bleeding ulcers, anorexia, potassium depletion, pain, mistakes, tears, life-changing choices and pretty much losing my mind, going crazy and then finding my mind (and believe me that was NOT easy), and plenty of therapy with a great, caring, loving art therapist, it has also been the best decision I've ever made. I was lucky with my insurance at the time...they paid without a quibble. From finally saying yes to my PCP and climbing on the gurney for surgery was only 6 weeks. Then, it was 'Let the games begin'!!

There are days now when I still am caught off guard when I see my silhouette in a window or mirror. It is startling to realize that my minds eye still expects to see me in a larger body. I'm waiting for my brain to catch up with my body, but then I was extremely large for a long, long time and have been thinner for only 6 years. They say it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it when it ends. So, that should mean that my brain will catch up in about, oh, say 25 years. Yikes. LOL. My relationship with obesity was most of my life and I was 53 at the time of surgery.

I've learned so many things. I've learned that I didn't know what love was, I do now. I've learned I was controlling and angry. I'm not anymore. I've learned I hadn't a clue that money meant security, and now I know it sooo does not. I've learned where my true security is. I've learned how to view the glass half full instead of half empty. I've learned how to be happy. In the face of any adversity I've learned how to compartmentalize it and be happy around it and how to not 'get it on everyone else' in my environment. I've learned some dignity and grace. I've learned to let my heart and gut lead me instead of my egocentric brain and mind. I've learned patience and tolerance, compassion and gentleness with others who don't have a clue yet as to what we are here for. I've learned how to live with and without money. I've learned how to let myself be loved because I now love myself first. I've learned how to allow the people in my life to have their own lives, and know that I am not a reflection of their actions, it has nothing to do with me. I can feel for them but not like them. I've learned to not meddle, I've enough to do with my own business. 
No matter where you are on the continuum of this process I hope you will be able to understand and feel hopeful.

How I did it: (1) I followed the surgeons rules for physical health. (2) I never gave up. (3) No matter how much it hurt or seemed impossible I pushed on through and got to the other side. (4) I told the truth, no matter what. (5) I accepted my 'mistakes' as part of the process and kept going anyway.

Good luck to all of you, may you have the gutz to be honest with yourself and others, and may you attain whatever success means to you. I wish you happiness.

Namaste,

Jeani

Hugs Jeani! It is so good to hear from you. I'm still traveling my own road; learning, living, falling down, but always getting up and brushing myself off so that I can take another little, tiny baby step forward. "Courage" is here on the wall in our new home. . .

Hi Karen,
It's been a while since I'd stopped in here.  I'm glad to hear "Courage" is still with you. When we look back and realize just how much hutzpah it has taken to get to where we are it's amazing isn't it?  Sometimes I wonder where I got all that courage!  Then again a little builds on a little and soon we have enough to do the things that scare us spitless and wow! what a surprise when we display it....the goodies on the other side are worth far more than the effort, no matter what.

Hugs,
Jeani

 Jeani,

Thank You so much for sharing your story.  It really touched a spot in me today.  I've had the struggles going on within for a while now.  I'm coming up on my one year and am so disappointed in myself but have to realize I'm having a few physical set backs too.  I'm now considered Hypoglycemic and it is totally frustrating to me.  I'm seeing a specialist and his only help is food control.  Amounts and what I eat, when I eat etc.  Very frustrating.  

Anyway, my story is in the process.  Thanks again for sharing.

Millie

Hello Millie,
I remember one year out, I was anorexic, crazy and creating disaster daily.  LOL.  Oh yeah, my ulcers started bleeding at one year too.  Actually I was in the hospital getting transfused with 5 units of blood and treated for the internal bleeding.  Wow!  I'd almost forgotten how scared I was at that time.  Isn't it a good thing that we only have to do life one day at a time?  Imagine waking up and having the entire year to deal with over night?  The next five will be just as amazing.  You can do anything one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time but you can do it....and be better for it.

Good Luck,
Jeani

Hi Jeannie... I was thinking of you the other day, when Prez Obama was in Arizona, wondering if you were still there....

Your post is thin on details... where are you living?  where's matt?  Do you still see Mary and Hal or Sally or anyone else from those days?  I rarely come on the board and have to laugh.  Some familiar and welcome faces.... some others, irritating in the long ago past for getting into a snit, threatening to leave then posting again daily within weeks after fawning newbies beg them to stay... are STILL here doing exactly that.  Some things never change.  Helps me to keep it real when nostalgia begins to overcome good sense.

I'm still on the farm, with David, doing the goats/cheese thing.  After trying to be the WLS poster child for so long, I'm almost five years out and struggling with the same ongoing/maintenance problems that others post about.  Feeling guilty on the days I lose the battle, but still realizing that I'm so much better off now....

I recognized the nic but the picture?  You look so different but very good.  Hope you are happy and well.  Feel free to reply off the board if you want to.  Same email address as before.  {{{{hugs}}}}  Nancy

Girlfriennnnn,

The desert.  Still here.  No, No,and No.  Remember when we practically 'lived' here?  LOL...

I went to a farmers market yesterday and tasted some goat cheese on her homemade crackers and couldn't help but think of you...btw your cheese is by far....better!  I didn't even buy any.

I don't feel guilty at all regarding food, or any other issue actually.  I still eat like I ate in the beginning.  The anorexia and ulcers actually turned out to be a good thing for me in the long run...remember that which does not kill you, blah, blah, blah???  Well in my case it's true.  I can't eat many different things and I certainly can't eat very much of the things I can eat.  I'm a vegetarian now.  If it has eyes and could see me killing it to eat it, I won't eat it.  I get plenty of protein and my body quit liking meat long ago.  My spiritual walk has intensified and gone in a direction I would never have predicted.  My personal life is very alternative and edgy.  My career is still the same and I'm doing really well there.

I do look different!  I thought I'd try being a real blonde and it suits me.  I am really well and I'm exceedingly happy.  But then anyone would be in my position...I've got it made and the best of all worlds.  hehe

Same email addy as before.....omg I've burnt up 3 computers since then - no hard drive data saved...send email addy.

Smooches,
Jeani

Nancy, I'm new here, mostly lurk and learn; I just wanted to say I've been reading your posts (many thanks for the voyeristic innaugeral experience - I had goosebumps!) - and I just want to say hello - and thank you - from a kindred spirit. Maureen

Jeani,

What a beautiful and honest account of your journey. I thank you very much. We will be a 'work in progress' for life, but a much better life it is!!

Many thanks again
Annette

Well thank you Annette...

It's not always easy being honest, especially when I don't even know when I'm lieing to myself!  That ever happen to you?  This pouch thing has taught me that I HAVE TO BE HONEST in order to survive.  It's not an option anymore ... because I can'teat away the feelings created by lieing to myself or to others. 

You are soooo right.  A much better life it is...more beautiful than I'd have wished for.

Jeani

CONGRATULATIONS JEANI!
You have turned your life around and made yourself into a healthy, happy person! May the next years e even better for you!

Thanks MarciaM!

Enjoyed the frankness with which you posted.  I read the whole thing, but one thing stuck out:

 (1) I followed the surgeons rules for physical health

So many people just don't get this.  To me, it has been easy, because I did that.  Followed rule number 1. 

When I went to the hockey game with my grandson, I did not feel like paying $4.50 for a bottle of water, so I asked my grandson for a sip of his soda.  Just wanted to wet my whistle.  And I didn't even drink enough to moisten my tongue.  I told my grandson that was the first soda I had had since my surgery (14 months ago). 

I am also impressed at numbers 4 and 5.  Telling the truth and accepting your mistakes.  What a concept!  Taking responsibility!   I have not been on this board long, so I really don't know you.  I don't know what you have been through (though from your post, it seems a lot).  But one thing for sure.  You have your head on straight now.

God bless you.

Hi George,

I've talked with people who don't get any directions or even suggestions from a surgeon who performs this very serious surgical procedure.  It amazes me.  When I finally decided to do this, at my PCPs insistence, I looked at the 8 surgeons who my insurance would pay for and I did a lot of background work, like how many they had done versus deaths, how many open vs lap, how many successes by  talking with their patients; and I also checked their aftercare programs..  I chose the one surgeon in the bunch with laproscopic trauma training and an extensive aftercare program including support groups with a psychologist and nutritionist on board in the office.  Thank goodness I had enough presence of mind to realize I might go a "tad" crazy with this whole thing. LOL.  I guess that's why it's a good thing this message board community exists.  At least people can come here and glean an idea or two about how to treat thier pouches.

I remember when I was "angeling" a woman who called me 3 weeks out of her surgery and told me she was so happy she could eat a whole hot dog at the game that weekend.  I was dumbfounded and speechless.  Needless to say I verbally kicked her hiney and stopped angeling at that point.  There was no point in driving myself any crazier with irresponsible and clueless newbies at that point it became "save yourself" !! LOL

You know George, it's been almost 6 years and I still don't drink soda.  I've done what you did at the hockey game, but that's it.  If I even try to put any more down there it hurts like the dickens so I don't even miss soda now.  And, I was the soda queen.  I'm amazed at the number of us that will push beyond the pain to reteach our pouches to take the abuse we gave our natural stomachs until they behave like one.

Taking responsibility I think should be Rule #1.  I can't speak for all obese people, I'm only one of us, but my biggest issue was avoiding personal accountability and responsibility.  I did NOT WANT to take responsibility for my health.  I fought this surgery for 2 years because i DIDN'T WANT the ultimate responsibility for my own body!!!  Have you ever heard anything so stoopid???  Yeah, me too.  I've read it a lot on this board.  I still see it here only the faces have changed. 

Thanks for the "head on straight" view.  I truly appreciate it, and I totally appreciate someone who can see that!!  We can only see in others that which we already see in ourselves.

And, Bless you too George,
Jeani

I'm with you on the ulcer.  My pouch ulcerated and now I can barely eat enough to keep my labs in the low range.  I guess the ulcer is one of the reasons I cannot tolerate meat.  I live on peanut butter. LOL.  It's good to see you and see that you are still thin and happy.  This place serves its purpose of the newbies and I come to see old friends, but after a while, I back out again.    I have to admit that those people that I've met in real life are the ones that I check here to see how they are doing and consider my friends.   BTW, do you still collect drift wood. During our ice storm, one of our trees had to come down and in the very top was a branch that had died years before and it had been used by birds as a nesting place.  I'm tempted to put it back, but it is such a fine dried out piece of wood.  So, I have it and am thinking of sanding some on it and making a vase. Yep, it is already a vase of sorts.  Anyway, I see drift wood often and think of you and wonder what you would see in it.  YOu need to come to Arkansas and visit the river beds when the summer begins to dry them out.  Gotta go, coffee is getting cold. 

Hey Gurl,
It's good to hear from you!!  I think of you often.  At the same Farmers Market Saturday I ate an Arkansas Black Apple and while thinking of my mom - from the Ozards whose favorite apple this was - I thought of you and your rocks too.  I'm glad to hear you are alive and well, still "collecting" and loving nature.  I promise you if I ever do get to Arkansas again I'll let you know and I would LOVE to meet with you and walk the river beds.  I walk them here in the desert all the time.  The washes are full of dried cactus spines, well further out in the desert the local area is too condensed with bipeds who keep it scoured.  I have to go at least 80 miles to find the good stuff now. 

Peanut butter is good!!!  I eat a lot of it.  The fat content doesn't seem to be an issue at all now that I'm not eating meat.  I'm loving being a vegetarian...not a vegan - yogurt is my friend - but the consciousness around not eating animal flesh works really well for my soul.  Who knew? 

Do you take Nexium or drink Carafate for the ulcers - I will....for life.  It sure has screwed with my insurance though- LOL.  Ahhh who needs stickin' insurance...LOL!!!

It's good to know you are one of the people in the world "out there" being who you are...real.

Loveyou,
Jeani

I do the carafate liquid and prilosec.  I cannot go a day without either or my

pouch feels like it is onfire.  I would love to have you come for a visit.  I am leaning toward vegatarian because meat, since surgery, has never agreed with me.  I cannot even do the milk or milk products.  I eat chicken and peanut butter and most days just the peanut butter.  My cat is biting me as I type.  She sure is pissy about my keyboard.  LOL

Jeani....thanks for the wonderful post. It is always great to hear from those who are so much further out. You are doing an awesome job.....congrats!!

Hugs.....connie d

Thanks Connie - based on that pic you aren't doing too badly yoursefl gurl!!!  How gorgeous.  It's important to stop in now and then for those of us who are steady and somewhat further out to let everyone know it works and there IS A FUTURE!!!  I remember the days being very difficult and I'd read a post from someone who "made it" and I'd be encouraged.  So, I have to come back now and then and do the same thing. 

Hugs,
Jeani