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 Midstate Region, PA Member Since: 01/17/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 3:32 am My husband and I have agreed to take two children we have had for years in foster care...we really do love them and want what is best...a stable home is best for them. Although it has caused some huge adjustment issues with $ of course. (going from no kids to two, and then one on the way)..I am stressed, but I try not to let it show to the kids...we just deal. So anyhow...since the kids know they have permanancy they have become a little different...the youngest has required counseling to build her self esteem...the oldest has what they label a developmental disability (most specific thing is neurological impairment)- he has never had great support for this because his mother has always just taken care of him. In the years we had him we were not allowed to have him tested or do certain things because he's a foster child. Now typically I agree with a lot of foster care rules because overall most are common "kid friendly" things...but this is what I have noticed with him...he has always pressed his limits...but now he swears (he'll say half the word), then he pouts and follows you around if your give him a consequence for his behavior, he back talks, argues, and just is defiant. Of course his psychatrist that has known him from childhood says "teenager!" He's 17! I found one source of the problem was this older boy at school that he see, and talks to...we ran into him once...and he was talking about us (my DH and I) telling him their dorks, and he's fat..blah blah. I told him he couldn't be friends with him...but I find out his talking to him between end of day and bus time, and calling him on his cell phone...(which we took now). But I am literally so angry with him I would like to slap him. (Which I generally don't believe in at all!!!!) He just keeps going and going, even after I warn him. I will specifically say- "if you say one more thing about this or ask about it again, your consequence (yes he knows what that is) will be longer!" Then he'll say but thats CRAP...so then I have to add time to his consequences, then he'll say more...I just get to the point where he could be punished for a year with his mouth going...I have tried to go to your room, don't say a peep, the write sentances (which take hours for just a few because of his ability to write, so it seems cruel), etc. I AM LOST, and I am not sure he's going to survive much longer with his head attached if he keeps it up. (just kidding but boy is it frustrating!)...Oh then when he's not giving me **** his sister is crying rivers...I know already I need a break...but that won't solve the issues at hand. Suggestions of what to do for him / with him? Thanks -Jenn- |
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 Green Cove Springs, FL Member Since: 05/27/03 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 3:57 am I don't know why they didn't let you tested them before. I used to be a foster mom in TX and with me every time I had a hint that the kids had problems I will talked to de ped and they will refer the kid to do some testing with no problem at all. On the other hand don't you think they might be a little jealous, also how old is the little one. 17 is a difficult age, but let me tell you, I adopted 2 kids 5 years before I got pregnant and the oldest one just asked me couple of days ago if we(dh and me) love them as we love our 2 bio, and he is 7yo, I know for sure we don't make any difference between them but he knows he came from my heart and not from my belly so for him that is a big difference. You need to sit down and make sure you want to finalize the adoption because remember once you sign your paper they will be your children forever. I hope this doesn't sound rude but sometimes I don't explain myself good enough in English since Spanish is my primary language. God Bless and good luck, Iris |
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Midstate Region, PA Member Since: 01/17/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 5:20 am They never allowed us to have him tested because it "was necessary"- they know he's impaired, and that he gets specialized services at school, and they do testing (grade level testing) but no-one has given him a specific diagnosis that could qualify him for support services through mental retardation system. He belongs in special services and camps through the summer but we can't get him there because while he was in care- his biological mother wouldnt consent to the testing...the old its easier to get his money and take care of him situation. He needs confirmed testing as proof of his MR and Mr would fund camps and services for him. The camps are thousands of dollars...so I literally I have apparently impaired child who can't be alone who no1 will care for in the summer because regular camps won't take him, he can't be alone, and he has no funding source for the camps he should be at (last year camp cost was estimated at 7,000 for 10-12 weeks- and we can't afford that on top of his sisters camp of 130.00 a week) Somehow, somewhere he's been tested because he (mom) received disability when he lived with mom. But I don't know where that is and mom and CYS are less then helpful. Which I could give you a book on. I don't actually relate any of these behaviors to adjustment...he knows we love him, he is fine with the whole baby issue...he was actually so sad when I m/c last spring. BUT something has got to give..I am just flabbergasted at the lack of support for children with true disabilities...perhaps I will contact an advocacy group...and just think...I am a professional social worker who can't seem to get these things accomplished...It's a full time job to fight for his entitlements. UGH! Thanks for your suggestions though! PS- We are since 1/4/08 his perm. legal custodians. -Jenn- |
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 virginia beach, VA Member Since: 11/07/02 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 5:40 am HI JENN, JUST STOPPED TO TELL YOU I HIGHLY ADMIRE YOU!! IAM THE MOM OF A 12 YEAR OLD SON WITH CP AND PATIENCE THESE DAYS IS HARD TO COME BY WITH HIM RIGHT NOW, HE IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL TO ME, AND WILL CALL ME SOME NOT SO NICE WORDS, AND NOTHING I DO OR SAY SEEMS TO AFFECT HIS CHOICE, IVE HAD TO SMACK HIM BEFORE BECAUSE HE CALLED ME AND UGLY F---- DOG, HE NEVER ACTS LIKE THIS AROUND HIS DAD, ONLY WHEN HES AT WORK, WE TAKE HIM TO COUNSELING ONCE A WEEK NOW, I DO NOT LIKE TO SPANK EITHER, IT KILLS ME TO, BUT HE CAN GO ON AND ON AND HE WONT STOP. I JUST THINK YOU HAVE ALOT OF PATIENCE TO TAKE ON ALL THIS AND STILL HAVE A BABY, I HOPE YOU GET SOME ANSWERS AND ASSISTANCE FOR ALL THAT YOU DO TO HELP OTHERS, SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS ARE INDEED SPECIAL, AND SO ARE FOSTER PARENTS LIKE YOU! shelly- wife to mike....2-14-1986 |
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Midstate Region, PA Member Since: 01/17/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 6:35 am Thank you for your kind words...I appriciate it...Honestly, it means a lot. I don't think that many people truly understand...we love these two kids, and have literally fought for them...months and months worth. I have stayed a foster parent a year longer then I wanted to so we could keep them and provide them a good home. I hated being a foster parent at the end...but that was because I had to endure some horrible things...again that no1 speaks of. (falsely accused of sexual abuse- a criminal investigation with lawyers, and interviews, the kds sent away- of course they found out the kids made up the alligations...but we got nothing in return....Oh wait I did..I now suffer from post traumatic stress disorder when I see anything that reminds me of that child) Now I deal with the uncontrolled behavior of 17 year old boy (which I think is from "friends" at school influence) and the biological momma drama- calling my house screaming at me about stealing her kids. Her child hiding in the bathroom (my lil girl) to avoid talking to her...I mean insanity. No1 knows...so your kindness warms my heart. I had to tell the child that acts out (my son) that if this continues I will put an end to it, if it means counseling again, appointments, someone following him at school to monitor his interactions, etc. Thanks so much again. I really don't think people understand a that physically I have a 17 year old young man standing there arguing, swearing, being inappropriate when I know he functions at grade 3. So some of his actions are that of a 3rd grader while others are of 17 year old. Not a great mix. -Jenn- |
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 Duluth, MN Member Since: 07/08/04 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 8:50 am Jenn, I agree you need a break but like you said that won't solve the issues but would help temporarily. You are a saint!!! I really really look up to you for taking on children like this and letting them become part of your family. It's not easy one bit dealing with teenagers but then add in the disability and it makes it 100% harder. Sorry you haven't gotten the support you need hopefully now you will be able to make some head way on it. I have a 17 almost 18 yr old that has CP and is somewhat develpmentally delayed but not even close to what you are dealing with . It's hard....and I think you don't get the praise you deserve often enough. My oldest sister went through similar things to you in the last 3 yrs or so. She adopted her husband's daughter's 2 sisters. They were physically and verbally abused from birth. They both have some major emotional issues that they are dealing with. My sister calls me crying at times talking about how she loves them and they are her girls but she's at her wits end as to what to do. They just finalized the adoption the end of last year. I give the two of you lots of credit...it takes a lot of patience to deal with this. These two kids make 7 for my sister...2 of which are grown now. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you will get through this. We are grateful that my daughter will be 18 in March and we made it to 18 without any horrible consequences to some of her actions. Some day he will learn to appreciate everything you have done for him and it'll all be worth it. (((((HUGS)))))
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Midstate Region, PA Member Since: 01/17/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 8:59 am Thank you. I must say..I appriciate the kind words and understanding. I don't think my family even understands...that what we did is the best thing for the kids, and sometime both DH and I are too soft...some people would have shut the door and stopped the fight...but we go on..only because they deserve more...I figure someday, some way they might appriciate and understand all the reasons why we "kept" them. It certainly wasn't because it would be easy. Thanks again! -Jenn- |
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 Member Since: 11/02/04 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 12:17 pm Well Jenn, my heart BLEEDS for you.......trust me!!! My 12 year old has ALL kinds of issues and absolutely NO punishment ever works. It's frustrating. The most important thing is consistency and absolutely stick to what you say or if he realizes he can get away with one tiny thing........your clout, so to speak, is ruined with him. Stick by your guns, be the boss, but most of all.......love him, which I have no doubt that you do. Get him some counseling as well if he's not already receiving it. Tell him how his actions affect him as well as the rest of the family. Remind him that he IS a part of the family no matter what he pulls. That's really important. I think he's testing.....just to see if he 'belongs'. The most important things that he needs right now is love first and foremost, consistency, a sense of belonging, and accountability. He needs to be held accountable for his actions. Tell him what a hole he's digging for himself and that you're NOT letting him out of any consequences. Tell him he CAN earn privileges back early if he can do the right thing for a few days in a row or something, but it's up to him and what he wants. Tell him also that HE'S making these choices, not you, not anyone else, but HIM. Tell him that you're not making that stuff come out of his mouth......HE is. (We've been dealing with this A LOT lately with my oldest) And that you have no choice but to respond to his bad behavior with the consequences that you all have already laid down. One thing that is important is that he needs to know what to expect..........if he doesn't already. He needs to know if he does X then X is going to happen........EVERY time......period, no excuses. That's another thing we're dealing with at our house with my 12 year old. He likes to blame everyone for what HE does and I'm not having it, so I sit down with him and ask him if I made him do it, if his dad made him do it. He finally realizes that only HE made himself do it and is less prone now to yell at us for the trouble HE got himself into. Took a long time and a lot of persistence, but it is finally working. I wish you luck with this and hope SOMETHING I said will help in some small way! HUGS!!
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Midstate Region, PA Member Since: 01/17/06 [Latest Posts] | Post Date: 2/8/08 1:51 pm Thanks for your support...it is so hard some to do the right thing...I hate doing it, but I do. Thanks again...we try to be very consistant with him...knowing he needs it. KIDS...why cant they all be angels like I was! (smirk) -Jenn- |
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