Ya know, I've shared that I never had this "want" to have children. I know that probably sounds horrible, but it stems from years and years of being scared of what type of parent I would be.
I never wanted to be responsible for screwing someone's life up. I know that's the reason.
However, after I married my husband I knew I wanted to have a (emphasis on A, singular) child with him. I just chose to wait and have surgery first, lose weight and for us to enjoy our marriage with just my son from my previous. I was a single mom for 9 years so that also played a huge role in my lack of desire to ever have more children. I am paranoid of being left alone, raising children. With my husband's career, it's a very real fear with deployments etc.
I had signed ALL of the consent forms for a tubal during my csection with Tatum. I'm 35, high risk because of other medical issues, pregnancy is NOT fun, joyous or a beautiful thing for me (physically or emotionally). It totally wears on my body and growing another human takes a huge toll on my body. Even with being in great health, Tatum sucked every ounce of me. My labs remained stellar, my teeth suffered again (it happened with my 1st pregnancy 14 years ago).
I remember vividly when they lifted Tatum above the little sheet and she yelled out, the tears flowed, my husband kissed me and we rejoiced that she had arrived and was perfect in every way. My husband (think major ****y, gun-toting, arrogant, nothing makes me cry, Air Force cop) was bawling and kept telling me how great I had done, how beautiful she was, and I had told my OB, if my uterus looks viable and there has not been a huge development of scar tissues, I don't want my tubes tied. Well, as my husband is snapping pictures of Tatum, crying, hollering at me across the OR, I'm lying there, strapped down, and the OB said "Tiff, your uterus is beautiful, there's no reason y'all can't try for another baby in a year or so". My husband immediately said "baby don't do it, let's wait." I cried out "Don't TIEEEEEEEEEEE my tubes, please don't do it". I have this fear of permanent bc as well, but refuse to go on hormonal bc. So, she closed me up, I was fine with it. We had a backup plan. IUD at my 6-8 week followup, no biggie. Well, we all know what happened with that plan, and we'll be welcoming Ashton into our world just 3 weeks before Tatum's 1st birthday. I admit I was so angry when I popped positive, my body was just feeling normal, I was finally getting the hang of this infant stuff, and I was finally sleeping.
I will admit that I am completely done at this point. I'll be 36 at the end of this year, C is 14, he'll graduate as Tatum enters kinder, I'll be in my early 50's when the 2 littles graduate high school. My husband will have retired from the AF, our life will be vastly different, and raising children into my 50's was not in my plan. I really struggled the first 6-8 weeks with this pregnancy. I was bitter, I felt like another year of my life was stolen because I am growing a baby and I can't live my normal little life. I worked hard to get where I was before Tatum in regards to weight loss, mentally/emotionally finding a good balance between my life as a SAHM and the want/need to be active outside the home. Selfish is my biggest flaw, I admit it. I won't deny it one bit, and my husband and I have had knockdown, drag out arguments over why I'm was so upset about this pregnancy.
Of course, once the initial shock wore off, I've embraced it and realize that it's not always a good plan, but God's plan. I'm still scared, worried how I'll manage it all, but I do believe that this is where I'm supposed to be. This last week, for my 28 week f/u, we discussed the tubal again. AND, again I admitted that I am scared to do it. Not because I want to have more children, or worried if I were to become single for whatever reason that I'd want more children with another man, but I do not want my reproductive stripped from me. Least to say, I signed the consent forms again, but held the right to pull that from my file and have it shredded.
I know I am done. We can not afford more than 3 financially. We can't send more than 3 to college. We know all of the reasons why 3 is perfect, but it hurts to know that I'm not going to EVER be able to have children again. I know that went round and round, but I know I'm done. I just don't want the permanency of the tubal. BUT, I also do not want another baby. And, he can not get snipped so that's not an option.
Band to VSG revision: June 3, 2009
SW 270lbs GW 150lbs CW Losing Pregancy Weight Maintenance goal W 125-130lbs