What do I do about my best friend's jealousy?

CRAZY_BEAUTiFUL
on 6/12/10 12:50 pm - Newark, DE
My best friend had RNY in February & has lost about 50 pounds. He doesn't dump, so he's able to eat anything he wants. He did no pre-op diet (he ate macaroni & cheese the day before surgery!). I've been working on losing the 2% my insurance company requires & I've lost almost 15 pounds. I love that I'm doing this, but my best friend is very jealous because I've lost weight. I'm afraid that after I have surgery he'll get even more jealous. He's the type that will be very rude & try to embarrass me and hurt my feelings when he gets his feelings hurt. And I know his feelings will be hurt if I lose more weight then him. I just texted him and told him I'm really excited about my surgery & he said 'is that all you know how to talk to me about?'. He's my only friend. I cut all my other ones off when I started school & he's also my main go-to person when it comes to my surgery process. What do I do? I'm stuck.
IowaTeacher
on 6/12/10 12:55 pm
Hmmm...

I'm dealing with my sister's jealousy right now and it's difficult. What I've learned is that she's not someone I can really talk to very much about the weight loss, but this board is a great resource. I post my victories, questions and whatever else I am feeling on this site and it's been a great place for me.

I say use your support group at your bariatric center, use this board, and try to widen your circle of friends, but don't count on this guy to be there for you because he's not capable.

Just my .02 worth....
Nancy

339/161/154
sw/cw/gw

SunShine2010
on 6/12/10 1:04 pm - Ranson, WV
I can understand where you are coming from I use to be able to talk to my sister about anything. Although, loosing weight is not one of the things. Because growing up my brother and my sister always told me I was fat because I was chunky. And now they are almost as big as me, and my mom made the comment to my sister when my mother found out I was having the surgery. The comment to my sister saying you always use to call her fat, but now your fat and she is going to be smaller than you. How does it feel to be called fat? And my sister got so nasty, and from that point she has tried to feed me everything that I should not eat when I go over her house to see my nieces and nephews. I do agree this website is good to interact with people who have had the surgery or is going to.
    
Lena0003
on 6/12/10 12:58 pm - Maple Grove, MN
I think you need to really take a step back and look at the friendship.  I had to do that with my now "former" best friend.  She was a great friend when SHE needed something, but whenever I had something going on in my life, she always tried to make it about her.  She constantly had to be the center of attention, and my feelings were often hurt.  I finally realized that our friendship was very toxic.  We hung out ALL the time, so the idea of losing her as a friend made me feel very lonely, but I realized that a friend shouldn't make me feel down and bad about myself. 

I think you need to do the same thing with your friendship.  Not saying write him out of your life, but really look at your friendship and see what you're getting out of it.  Friendships shouldn't be one sided.  He shouldn't expect for you to be there for him, but then not be there for you.  If he is a friend worth keeping, you really need to talk to him about your feelings.  We all experience jealousy, and sometimes without even noticing it.  If you sit him down and tell him that he is making you feel bad, he should respond to that and not become defensive.  If he does...think twice.
Starting Weight:  359.9 lbs  Day of surgery:  345 lbs  My Goal:  170 lbs  Surgeon's Goal:  145 lbs
"Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels."


        
Colleen W.
on 6/12/10 1:21 pm
Just wanted to say.  Your first paragraph could have been written by me.  I spent 10 years dealing with someone exactly like you describe.  Five years ago I finally cut her out of my life.  Unfortunately, she still stalks my MySpace page (which I hardly ever vist) and my writings on Gather.com.  I haven't even written on Gather in about 3 years but earlier this year she e-mailed me to inform me I'd better not write about her again.  She'd come across my tale of "The Toxic Friendship" and recognized herself in it. 

These sorts of friendships are hard to get over sometimes.  Just as the OP's friend, this was my "only" friend at the time.  I was sure I'd not survive without her.  It took me a bit to realize she wasn't the only person in my life, I had family and others that I didn't realize were the type of friends I needed.  

So to the OP listen to what everyone is saying.  His jealousy of you will, in the long run, cause you nothing but heart ache.  Keep in mind that during this process you will meet new friends.  Here on this board for starters and in any support groups you visit.  You will not be "friendless", so really think about how this friendship is affecting you and ask yourself if it's how you want it to affect you.
Lena0003
on 6/12/10 1:41 pm - Maple Grove, MN
Aren't toxic friends horrible?!  I am glad you made the same decision I did.  Its so hard to do at the time because you feel like you need them.  But regardless of how alone I have ever felt, I finally realized I did not need a "friend" who made me feel worse!  I have been so much happier since.  We are actually "friends" on Facebook now.  We've grown a lot in the years since our friendship, and the fact she is now married and has a child seems to have made her less selfish.  But we will never truly be friends again.  I still feel good though, and appreciate the wonderful people I currently have in my life!
Starting Weight:  359.9 lbs  Day of surgery:  345 lbs  My Goal:  170 lbs  Surgeon's Goal:  145 lbs
"Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels."


        
SunShine2010
on 6/12/10 12:58 pm - Ranson, WV
Well I am sorry but if he can not be supportive for you, then maybe you should let him go to. I know you said he is your best friend, but best friends do not do that. And it is not about a win win situation this is about you two being healthy, not who lost the most or who looks better.
    
jazzybella
on 6/12/10 1:06 pm - Canton, MI
He is not really your friend. Start attending some support group meetings so that you can meet new people.
    
                              Don't let perfect be the enemy of good   
poet_kelly
on 6/12/10 1:26 pm - OH
I kind of wonder why he's your best friend if he's the kind of person to be rude and embarrass you and hurt your feelings if you are successful at losing weight and getting healthier.  With friends like that, who needs enemies?

But OK.  I guess you tell him that if he wants to be your friend, you expect him not to be rude.  You expect him to treat you like a friend and be supportive, 'cause that's what friends do.

Really, there is no reason for him to be jealous that you are eating right and doing the things you  need to do to be successful.  He could do those things too, but apparently he would rather eat macaroni and cheese.

Kelly
Robyn C.
on 6/12/10 1:28 pm
I think if you are not willing to cut him out as a friend you at least need to cut him out of this part of your life. Just stop talking about it with him. That will be hard until you develop a larger support network. He obviously does not want to hear about it anyway.
Your other option is to confront him. Just be honest and tell him that you feel like he may not be interested in sharing this with you, and you understand if that is the case. Express your concerns about how he might deal with your weight loss. For best results do this in a non confrontational way, start every sentence with "I feel".

Some people just think anyone who does things different than they did is trying to point a finger at them. Its like parenting, I do not do everything the way my grandmother did and she takes it as an insult, like I am saying she was a bad parent. Same thing with your friend I think.

Either way you need more people in your life to support you...

    
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