So, I have to admit that when people would complain about loved ones insisiting they were losing too much weight or being upset by being called too skinny, I would often think, "It's really not that big a deal. That's a problem a lot of women would pay money to have."

But I have to admit, today, I got it twice. And it bothered me. One of my friends actually told me I looked like a pencil-necked stick figure. I'm also completely boggled. I still have at least 35lbs to go, am wearing a size 12, and only look decent in fitted clothes if I wear a shaper. I have a long way to go before I hit "thin", let alone skinny. I'm still obese by BMI standards. So yeah... the comments don't really hold water, but they sting anyway.

I wonder if people make these comments because they don't know what else to say? But then, why say anything if that's the case?

My opinion (of which there is an endless supply).

I think a few things are going on, but none of them are your friends or family saying things to ingratiate or just because they don't know what else to say.

#1: They see you differently than you see you

It takes a long time to see the changes in yourself. Even if you can see them viscerally, you can't fully SEE them for a while. I am 4.5 years out and it's just recently that I started to notice myself. My neck/head is SCRAWNY (the rest of me...is not). I'm sort of lanky compared to what I used to be. And this is AFTER my bounce so at my low weight...a full 28 lbs. smaller I imagine I probably alarmed a few folks because...

#2: Many of these people have probably known you as you were for the majority of the time they've known you. So to them you are changing very fast. I don't know if you were always plus sized or if you were once thin. Anecdotally I see less of this from folks who were once thin and get the surgery because people have seen them that small before and have a frame of reference. For folks who were never small, family and friends don't exactly know HOW to relate to you because they've never seen you that way before. To them it looks like too much because you seem to be fading away.

 I was always pretty normal sized until I married my first husband in 2005.  I ballooned up when I was with him and never fully shrugged off the weight. So I've only been obese for about 7 years. 

But the people making comments ARE the people who've only known me fat. That's a good point. 

 I haven't run into this yet. I do get asked a lot, "how are you going to stop losing once you get to your goal?" though. And "you're melting!" but I eat it up. 

      .oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.Miranda.oOo.oOo.oOo.oOo.      

I know exactly how you feel.  Iwent through the same thing when  I was losing weight.  I think I was about 20 pounds from goal when family and friends started telling me that I was too thin.  Then it got worse when I was at my 2 year post op and I  got a bowel obstruction which turned to a perforated colon and needed an illiostomy and became septic (you werent around for my almost deadly ordeal) but during this 2 month period, I lost 45 pounds and I knew I lost alot and got tons of comments on how thin I got but I never realized how bad it  was until I went to my nieces high scholl graduation, I was all dress up and we had tons of pictures taken.  I thought I looked so good.  I spent an hour on my hair curling it and trying to make it look good and I thought I did a good job.  About 2 weeks later, I got the pictures back and I was mortified.  I looked like a skeleton that belonged in a concentration camp or I  looked like a chemotherapy pateint due to the fact that I had lost almost all my hair (didnt even realize it - usually wore it in a ponytail and this day I wore it down and it was a disaster)

So, for all that time I thought I was looking great, boy was I wrong.

 My Mother has started making those comments. "I hope you aren't planning on loosing MORE weight... You are too thin... Why don't you eat, your too skinny". First of all, I weigh 167 pounds.. NOT thin! Secondly, I am 22 pounds heavier than my lowest adult weight. ... She never said I was too thin back then! I think it's because I had been SO heavy for SO long. She just can't seem to get her head around it. To be sure, I am MUCH thinner than I have been in about thirty years but I would still like to loose another 15 pounds. Then we can talk about stopping :)
Charlie,you just need to grin and bear it.. Yes, compared to last year you are much thinner, but, you and your doctor have a plan and you are following it! 
Keep up the good work.

I know what you mean.  I'm not anywhere thin yet. Technically I'm 4lbs away from moving from obese to overweight.  I actually think I see myself correctly in the mirror. Parts of me are thin but I still am in a size 13 and are nowhere near done.  Is it merely concern on their part?  Or have they compartmentalized us as fat and we no longer can be their perception of who we should be?  Personally I think its both.

 That's an interesting point. The fact that people tend to classify each other.  For a long time, I was the bubbly, happy-go-lucky, fat friend.  Of course, I honestly don't think my friends consciously thought of me as "the fat friend", but that's just the persona I gave and was accepted.  Not a single person ever said "Hey, you've been putting on a bunch of weight!"  So I think as I crept up the scale, people just assumed that was the new normal. 

So now that "normal" has changed so quickly, it's kind of a headspin for some of them, particularly the ones who don't know I had surgery. I think, to them, they see it a little bit like they would if I'd lost a limb. Not quite sure what to say or how to act, what is appropriate, what you can comment on, what you can't...  to them, it's probably a little foreign. 

I was coming on here to post about this exact topic! I know exactly how you feel, Charlie. The comments are starting to disarm me.

We dont see my husband's extended family often and had a family party yesterday. I got all kinds of comments from 'Youve lost a little weight' to 'I wouldnt have recognized you.'. My father in law has told me several times that I 'can stop losing weight now' and my husbands aunt told me I shouldnt lose anymore. A friend told another friend that I 'got so skinny.'

These comments are so bizarre to me because a.) I still have a hard time literally seeing the progress and b.) I still have at LEAST 40 lbs to lose. At 192 lbs the word skinny is hardly accurate, but Nik's right...these people have only known me as SMO so to them (esp people who dont see me frequently) the change is dramatic. It is super weird to get the 'stop losing weight' comments though.

Whats hard too is when people I do see everyday notice changes before I do. My mom and husband said my face looked 'too thin' on the same day at seperate times without talking to each other. Ive felt really self conscious since then worrying that I look like some gaunt old hag.

 It's certainly much more fun to see people you know but have not seen in years and years and get thier reaction.

I agree with the others who say it's the observer who is having issues relating to the new you.

You cope with yourself and your health both physical and mental and let them deal with thier own deamons.

I would probably start laughing hysterically and suggest they get their eyes checked.

I get this comment a lot.  I have been overweight my whole life and being larger sized is all my family and friends have ever known me as. 

However, when I get this comments it actually makes me feel bad because I just think in my head if you only knew what number the scale says you would think I was "wasting away". 

After time you will just learn to ignore them.  You are the one that has to live in your body and be happy with your size and weight, not everyone else.  So do what feels good for you!!

Christy

"Thank you."

:)

You'll hear it a million times during your journey, and everyone will see fit to inform you of that.  To them, the comparison of what they see now versus what they see then is all they have to go by.  They don't know stats or sizes.  I just thank them and move on.

It's amazing how they will feel it's their business to comment now, but how many of them would have called you a "no necked roly poly ball" earlier.  It's no different now.

I think for many of them jealousy or threat fall into play.  If you were always bigger then them they feel threatened by your new weight loss.  If you were the same size  or close, then they are jealous and probably feel left behind.

If this is the case some of them, but not all of course, know it's a catty thing to say.  It's their way of equalizing the playing field...  Others are really just clueless.

I had a similar situation occur yesterday. We went to my finaces cousins house for a Fathers Day BBQ and I had not seen them in about amonth (mind you aI have only lost another 5 months since I last saw them) and his cousin says "Oh my God, You are going to disappear on us" so I responded "THANKS, I feel good and am more present than ever"

It didn't bother me but later that afternoon, I found myself in the restroom staring at my reflection. And HONESTLY, I don't see what they see.

I am 29lbs away from goal, can't wait to hear what will they say when I get there. LOL