Ignoring people and relying on them not recognizing you

cicerogirl
on 7/21/12 8:57 pm - OH

Last night I was eating dinner at a restaurant, and a woman who was a former grad school colleague came in and was seated just one table away from us. She was seated in a position where she and I were facing each other. We were friends at one point (just casual friends) but we had an argument shortly before graduation and i have not seen or talked to her in the 6 years since. She was the first person I met who had undergone WLS, but she made several of us who were MO or SMO very uncomfortable with some of her very intimate -- and what we considered inappropriate-- sharing (in class and during group projects/activities!) about what her life was like when she was 300+ pounds. (Things like talking about having trouble wiping herself after using the bathroom!)

I don't know whether she knows that I had RNY or not since I don't know whether she keeps in touch with anyone else from the program, but it was pretty clear that she did not recognize me. I tried to keep my voice low, since that has "given me away" to people who did not recognize me in the past. For some reason, I felt a little guilty not speaking to her (not so much specific to her, but just about being sort of "incognito" and observing someone who didnt know someone they knew was watching them. Does that make any sense? I have intentionally walked past two people that I saw in a store because they were people I didn't really want to talk to for various reasons, but never had extended "exposure" to someone like that.

Has anyone else who lost enough weight to frequently have people mot recognize you experienced this?

lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

Cheryl N.
on 7/21/12 9:23 pm - Des Moines, WA

Revision on 08/01/11 with

I haven't experienced that yet, but yes! I am relying on that.. I am always worried about my ex's family members recongizing me or my ex (who is due to get out of prison in couple years) will try to find me but my therapist says that I look TOTALLY different than I did 10-20 years ago and that I may be unrecognizable!!! I'm excited! :)

246 in Dec 2008 before banded 1/28/09 at 215 lbs, band crapped 9/09 at 170 lbs and struggled with it and regained to 203 revised to bypass on 8/1/11 and am very happy.

Lady Lithia
on 7/21/12 9:24 pm

RNY on 03/18/08 with

I haven't experienced this, but I have been pleased to see people who I knew when I was SMO, and had this blank look of "people rejection" like "Who is this person smiling at me like they know me, should I just back away?"

Doesn't feel good even when I know the reason. Sometimes I choose to enlighten them, depending on the level of pleasantness I remember. Also depending on the level of "distaste" in their face in response to my pleasant overtures. I think "Do they remember me and is that why the distaste?" then I feel small and don't identify myself.

~Lady Lithia~ 200 lbs lost!
March 9, 2011 - Coccygectomy!
I chased my dreams, and my dreams, they caught me!

Cherokeesage
on 7/21/12 9:36 pm

RNY on 02/24/12 with

I had the reverse. I weighed 105 pounds when I graduated high school and the same when I married two years later. I was teased by some in high school. I almost doubled that wt by my late 40s early 50s until I reached my max of 290.

No one knew me when we went home for my father-in-laws funeral. My feelings were really hurt by some of the remarks made when they realized who I was. People I had known for years as my peers even made inappropriate remarks while at church about my weight gain. One guy said, "I was wondering who that fat woman was with John."

A couple of years ago my brother held a family reunion and the same thing happened with my own family by relatives that I would never expect. My brother has been SMO for years so the remarks that he overheard hurt his feelings as well. Last year we were in California so made the effort to see the last living uncle of mine. I was so excited to get to see him as it had been many years. He is at an age where I doubt I'll see him again. Anyway, the first words out of his mouth, "I would never have recognized you. What happened to you?"

What's odd is that I didn't realize how much I had gained until I started looking at pictures. Yes the sizes kept going up but I was the same person otherwise. Now that I've started losing weight, I notice how much nicer strangers are to me. (opening doors, etc.)

Banded Oct 2008: 290
RNY Feb 2012:        245
Dr's set goal:    170 reached Oct 11, 2012
My goal:                     160 reached Dec 1, 2012
Today :                     142-145

Dani Dutch
on 7/21/12 11:16 pm - Netherlands

RNY on 06/21/12 with

I don't see why I should have to be friendly with people who I recognize. Sometimes I don't feel like talking to them. There is an old lady down the street that I walk by every once and a while then one day she just stopped me and started to ramble about the weather. Now I have to say hi to her each time I go outside. Annoying!

I hope after the winter I have lost so much weight she won't recognize me but I doubt that'll happen.

cicerogirl
on 7/21/12 11:28 pm - OH

RNY on 08/27/07 with

It's not that I feel obligated to stop and talk to anyone, because I certainly don't. There have been several occasions where I have intentionally just walked past people (who had not seen me since i lost the weight and did not recognize me) in a store because I did not feel like talking to them for whatever reason.

Somehow, though, the ability to watch her (even just a bit, because my focus was mostly on who *I* was with, not on her) without her knowing that someone she knows was watching her made me feel a little guilty.

Lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

Ladytazz
on 7/21/12 11:22 pm

It has nothing to do with my weight. I have been up and down with my weight so much that I don't even know if I would recognize myself sometimes but apparently I haven't aged well judging by the looks of shock I get whenever I run into people I haven't seen for a very long time. Just this last weekend I went back to my old church where there were some I haven't seen for 20+ years. I was very cute back when I was younger and now I guess I look like an old grandma. I hate the look I get when someone comes over to introduce themselves to me and I remind them who I am and I can see them remembering me and the confusion in their eyes like WTH? Time, health issues, years of smoking and aging have not treated me well

This was me in 1981

This is me now. And this was me 5 years ago.
As you can see, I haven't aged very well and I can understand the shock in people's faces when they see me. Even from not that long ago it is a big change, as you can see, even 5 years ago I looked a lot younger.
I used to hate running into people after I regained a lot of weight. Now I hate running into people even though I am not overweight but because I look so old. If I spend a lot of time putting on make up I can look better but not a whole lot. Oh well, that's what happens when you smoke for 30+ years and don't take good care of your health.

Revision 7/23/2010 HW 240 SW 220 CW 105
Half the person I once was. Now my eyes really are bigger then my stomach

~"Be kinder than necessary, everyone is fighting some kind of battle"~
All my posts are just other people's opinions that I've stolen from other boards.

cicerogirl
on 7/22/12 9:24 am - OH

RNY on 08/27/07 with

I think you look younger with the picture you posted a while back with the shorter haircut than with the longer hair. A lot of us have a certain amount of overall sagging of the facial skin after having it filled up with fat for so many years (but I understand that smoking also takes a toll). I turn 50 next month and I have the sunken areas under my eyes And I had some Juvederm about 2 years ago for the nasolabial folds that were making me look so tired and haggard (but that has to be re-done every year or so). Fortunately, since i had it done originally, I have noticed that my face has continued to very slowly fill out a bit again. Yours may as well over time.

Remember, though, that the most important thing is that you are healthier inside.

Lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

Ladytazz
on 7/22/12 1:06 pm

I'm actually looking into Juvederm or some other filler. It is expensive but I think it might help me in the employment area. You look very good so it must do it's job.

Revision 7/23/2010 HW 240 SW 220 CW 105
Half the person I once was. Now my eyes really are bigger then my stomach

~"Be kinder than necessary, everyone is fighting some kind of battle"~
All my posts are just other people's opinions that I've stolen from other boards.

plum21
on 7/22/12 2:41 am - Miami, FL

RNY on 07/13/10 with

I was a bartender for 14 years, so I know a ton of people, many of whom are NOT my friends, but with whom I spent a lot of time. I LOVE being incognito. I've even had lovers not recognize me. This is after I've lost 155 pounds. I've re-introduced myself to people I liked before, but I've been able to shake off the people with whom I don't want anything to do.

Almost nobody recognizes me without my specifically going up to them and talking to them and telling them who I am.

cicerogirl
on 7/22/12 9:26 am - OH

RNY on 08/27/07 with

I cannot imagine how surreal it must be to have a former lover not recognize you, LOL!

Lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

RonSudol
on 7/22/12 3:43 am - NJ

RNY on 09/14/11 with

i have had dozens of people not recocize me.. its surprising.. not people what ive seen from 20 years ago either; more like people from 1 year ago.. its crazy, but funny

but alas, since im a social butterfly, if i see somebody i know, i will go say hi.. Life is too short.

   ---------------(Starting Weight - 365) ------------ (Current Weight - 165) ------------

cicerogirl
on 7/22/12 5:33 am - OH

RNY on 08/27/07 with

I generally do, too... and it has often been fun to have to "re-introduce" myself to people that I had not seen in just 18 months or so (and amusing to watch their expression change from neutral to confused to shocked!)... but in this case it would have been a bit awkward for me to go up to her with other people there and re-introduce myself and would have been very tense because of the way the relationship ended.

Ironically, people I had not seen for 20 years would probably recognize me far more readily than someone I had not seen in the 5 years since surgery.

Lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

Laura8603
on 7/22/12 5:28 am - Cypress, TX

RNY on 09/17/08 with

I would not have talked to her, either. And I also have a distinctive voice. I transferred to a high school that is fed into by the middle school I used to work at. Kids I taught before my RNY stop in the hallways and stare at me after hearing me talk and laugh (they are shocked when they figure out it's me). It's funny.

OK, I'm nosey and have to ask if the woman has kept off her weight....

46 years old 5' 7" tall Measurements: 37"-27"-36" lap RNY 9-17-08 Dr. Garth Davis
brachioplasty 12-18-09 Dr. Wainwright LBL/BL 6-28-2011 Dr. LoMonaco

cicerogirl
on 7/22/12 5:48 am - OH

RNY on 08/27/07 with

Yes, I love seeing some of the reactions people have when the realization hits! This was just a unique case.

Yes, I was genuinely glad to see that she has kept her weight off (she would be 8-10 years out at this point). She may even have lost a few pounds since the last time I saw her. She was, however, wearing a bra that was way too small (creating a large boob "muffin top"... one of my personal fashion pet peeves, but something she has always done), hip hugger type jeans that were too tight (and created a hip-level muffin top) and "stripper heels". She was in her 20s when she had her RNY and then she had "the works" done as far as plastic surgery (but no breast reduction) and some of the PS scars are kind of scary looking so she tends to keep them covered. Lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

Laura8603
on 7/22/12 6:04 am - Cypress, TX

RNY on 09/17/08 with

I am glad she has kept it off, too. I love knowing there are long-term success stories out there. But yeah, the wearing clothes too tight without proper fitting undergarments or shapewear is one of my pet-peeves. C'mon, people!! We can do better!!

46 years old 5' 7" tall Measurements: 37"-27"-36" lap RNY 9-17-08 Dr. Garth Davis
brachioplasty 12-18-09 Dr. Wainwright LBL/BL 6-28-2011 Dr. LoMonaco

courtwillbehealthy
on 7/22/12 5:32 am - burlington, VT

since iv lost 76 lbs people dont recognize me, though i havnt been in this situation, its funny to think weight defines us so much. :)

Sin Kim
on 7/22/12 7:02 am, edited 7/22/12 7:02 am - Castle Rock, CO

RNY on 07/27/04 with

One of the advantage of moving countries a few times since RNY has been that I have been able to "start over" - I was slightly overweight in Paris, fat in PA, skinny and haggard in Singapore, and normal now in CO!!

8 years + post RNY - 100% EWL and maintaining ...

MickeyDee
on 7/22/12 7:46 am

There's nothing that says you had to make this woman aware of your presence. If she recognized you, a nod of response and then turning back to your private conversation would have been perfectly correct. Otherwise, a refusal to respond to a recognition is known as "the cut direct" and in olden days was an unspoken means of telling someone you did not wish to know them any longer. (It might also have been responded to by pistols at dawn, but that's a long time ago!!)

cicerogirl
on 7/22/12 9:31 am - OH

RNY on 08/27/07 with

I watched her (as unobtrusively as possible, of course) for several minutes after she came in and she looked directly at me a couple of times, but there wasn't even a glimmer of recognition. I think we already had that "direct cut" point 6 years ago, so I was relieved that she did not recognize me and I did not have to make a decision about what to do (I am not really sure what I would have done if she had shown even a hint of recognition).

Lora

5+ years out... maintaining 190 pounds lost!
******************************************************

“You don't drown by falling in the water.
You drown by staying there.”

******************************************************

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Ignoring people and relying on them not recognizing you