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Anger Post Weight Loss

Constantine
on 1/6/13 12:23 pm

I am almost two years out and at my goal weight.  I've accomplished all I wanted to with the RNY, including becoming an avid gym rat and getting my black belt.  I am not an angry person, and I appreciate all the support and love I've gotten along the way with this journey from everyone, including this board.

 

Just a little vent - it makes me mad that people are treating me like a "person" now that I am thin.  Obviously as a fat girl, I wasn't worthy of that.  I cannot believe the difference.  The guys at work, my boss, my friends, my own family.  Even my husband.  It makes me mad that I wasn't worthy of that before.  I do not treat anyone that way, ever.  I wouldn't.  Also sad that a close friend of mine doesn't like me anymore since I've lost weight.  I was always the fat friend she went out with and she got all of the attention.  Once I got into size 8's she didn't want to hang out anymore and we had a huge falling out.  Top that with me finding out she wa****ting on my husband (she is married too) and told another friend she was friends with me to be around him.  It makes me feel like such a doormat.  I was a really GOOD friend to her and it kills me that I wasted my time with that.

 

I know I shouldn't have regrets about the past because you cannot change it, but some of it still burns.  I am moving on everyday, though - removing toxic people from my life and not comparing myself to others.

  
  
robyn_fresh
on 1/6/13 12:43 pm
RNY on 12/18/12

I have heard a lot of this. I am only 3 weeks post op, but I do have fears that some close friends will not be my friends anymore with time. I also have a fear about what will happen with my relationship with my boyfriend because he was against me having surgery. He is one of those "We could do it the hard way." people; and I think that secretly he has fears about me losing and him not even though he is only about a hundred pounds overweight. I have over 200 to lose. You're not alone by a long shot. I've heard many scary stories.

Constantine
on 1/6/13 12:48 pm

My husband didn't want me to have the surgery either.  He's very active and has always been thin and athletic.  He never cared that I was overweight.  He reluctantly agrees now that the surgery was good for me and I am a much happier person.  But he's also now a bit jealous and overprotective, which makes me a bit angry.  Its silly for me to have these feelings, I know, but its not something I expected two years out.

  
  
Angela_Italiana
on 1/6/13 12:59 pm - CA
RNY on 03/04/13

I completely understand what you are saying, but almost in reverse if that makes sense?. In my late teens and very early twenties I was a normal weight, even skinny.. but after a serious bout of depression that lasted years it has landed me at the weight I am.  I was completely astonished at how differently people treat me now. Just like you said, my bosses, colleagues, friends, family.. its so very different. I had a really hard time understanding this. Like some how the number on the scale is directly correlated to the type of respect and treatment I deserve? It's absurd! My surgery is about two months away, and I know my life is going to completely change again, and eventually I will become a person of "interest" to the current snubbers, but is it wrong to think "I wont forget how you've treated me"? 

I think the way you feel is completely justified, and I understand being angered about it. You deserve people who cherish you just as you are, no matter what. If that changes because we are too fat or too skinny, then they're not worth our time or energy. You've done a great think for yourself, and don't let anyone bring you down!

Constantine
on 1/6/13 2:20 pm

I guess that I had been overweight for so long I forgot how things were.  I have been 80 to 100 pounds overweight since my first child was born, so about 15 years or so.  I always assumed I was invisible because I was in the 'mom' role and didn't think about it much - it never occurred to me that my appearance was what caused it. 

  
  
Candy V.
on 1/6/13 1:08 pm - MI
RNY on 09/12/12

I had a similar discussion years ago with a friend who lost a lot of weight by dieting.  She was very upset with her husband for showering attention and gifts of sexy cloths and bikinis on her after she lost 50ish pounds.  Why was she deserving of gifts thin not heavy?  It is a mind game for sure. 

I only have a few close friends and they have been around long enough to have known me thinner and thicker lol.  I don't see this being an issue for me.  I definitely understand the point. You are better without her in your life.

 RNY 9/12    TT 9/13    HT 5' 4"   HW 250    SW 242   CW 125

Come keep it real in R&R 3.0 Want a group invite?  Send a PM  

    

Constantine
on 1/6/13 2:18 pm

I really am better off.  Its been a few months of less and less contact and things have gotten so much better with our group of friends and my husband is very relieved to be free of the drama that came along with it all.  I am just mad at myself for being a doormat and not standing up to her and defending myself over the husband thing.  Its all good now, I just couldn't see the forest for the trees, or however that saying goes.

  
  
robyn_fresh
on 1/6/13 1:11 pm
RNY on 12/18/12

I divorced my first husband after years of feeling like he was ashamed of me because of my weight. I ended up in a relationship with my current boyfriend who never cared that I am overweight and it feels so good to know that he isn't ashamed of me and loves me how I am. Now I am worried that we will fight because he doesn't understand my choice to have weight loss surgery. It's kind of ironic! I also must admit that I have had thoughts of how sweet it will be to roll up to drop my kids off for the weekend at my ex husband's place looking the way he thought I should. He has a skinny girlfriend now, but she's not pretty. I am! ha lol. See I have evil thoughts too.

Constantine
on 1/6/13 2:16 pm

And you will get there - those types of NSV's are the VERY best, lol.

  
  
Zeigled
on 1/6/13 1:22 pm - Parkton, MD

I have noticed the same thing....all of the sudden people are nice to me.  I took several loads of yard debris to the dump and EVERY time someone offered to help.  Never - and I mean NEVER - happened before.  I notice that people nod or smile in the store rather than avoid eye contact (and it isn't anything I'm doing differently - I almost always looked at people and smile a greeting).  These seem like just minimal courtesies that should occur.  It is SAD.  I am very conscious of how I treat people so that I don't differentiate - esp now.

HW 357 SW 341   
          
Constantine
on 1/6/13 2:15 pm

That is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about.  Eye contact at the store, clerks treating me nicely, guys approaching me at the gym and talking to me - getting a promotion at work, sales people being nice to me at work, and on the flipside - women who used to be my friends at work being snarky and catty to me.

I understand now what people mean when they say they are invisible when they are fat.

  
  
stanggirl89
on 1/7/13 9:59 am - DE

I had to comment on the work part. I been ALWAYS searchin for a part time job, and I never got hired. Well a month ago I went and got a interview and the guy that interviewed me said i would be dumb not to hire you. I told my mom hmm if i was 130lbs heavier you think you would of hired me...nope!! just ****** me off tho. (i did get hired and everything)

  
May 16, 2012

HW:345 SW:329 GW:200(Jan 30,2013) 

Lindah55
on 1/6/13 2:20 pm - OR
RNY on 10/09/12

I guess I got lucky. My husband treats me the same no matter which direction I go in. He basically is a really good guy. Of course he has his faults but nothing I can,t live with. I don't have many friends, but one I do have is very overweight and she is going to be my friend no matter what our weights are. I would dump anyone who treated me differently because of a number on a scale. I want a real friend. Maybe that is why I don't have many. I hope I am not being too cynical for everyone.     

Constantine
on 1/6/13 2:23 pm

Not at all.  And my husband isn't bad, he treats me well and always has, it just kind of gets under my skin that he was never jealous before and he is now. 

It is actually very freeing to get rid of toxic people in my life and not allow them to treat me badly.  I was always a people pleaser when I was overweight and its hard to shake that attitude. 

  
  
MissK123456789
on 1/6/13 3:33 pm - PA

I read this thread with great interest.  My significant other thinks I'm beautiful....when I weighed in at 286 and now that I've dropped considerable weight.  As for the jealousy, would marriage counseling help? 

I, too, have been letting go of relationships that do not serve me.  The transformative process is not an easy one.  Something I learned in a meditation class is that the people in our lives ultimately do not want us to change.  They are comfortable with us the way we are.  I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.  I've lost one of my own.

And lastly, BOY OH BOY, do people treat you differently!  I work in an office but we have a warehouse.  I've been getting far too much attention from our warehousemen.  Talk about weirding a woman out!!!!

Good luck on your journey.

Karen

 

 

    

Constantine
on 1/6/13 3:50 pm

The jealousy is the last of several issues we have tackled over the last two years.  It is fading and I hope with time it will be gone.  The big transition with my family was me finally doing things for me.  It was a hard adjustment for them.  I stopped doing everything and concentrated on me, my time at the gym, my job, and my life.  I bought clothes for me instead of shopping for everyone else for the first time in 15 years.  My kids are teenagers and they get it now, but it was hard and they were resentful of the change I think.

I am probably more angry at myself than my friend.  She is who she is - shallow and hypocritical.  I was the one who let her treat me that way.  I am sad I didn't think more of myself than that.

  
  
MissK123456789
on 1/6/13 4:22 pm - PA

My son is 22 yo so I can appreciate your effort to be kinder to yourself.  There never seems to be time when kiddos are young!

 

Don't be angry with yourself.  You were what you were and you are what you are.  I miss the relationships that are gone but I understand that they no longer served me.  It isn't selfish.  It is part of the process.

 

Karen

    

camelon
on 1/6/13 3:35 pm

Congrats on the unexpected "weight loss" lol!

Constantine
on 1/6/13 3:50 pm

And that is exactly what it is!  Dropping an extra person, lol.

 

  
  
MyLady Heidi
on 1/7/13 1:32 pm

People will treat you like a doormat at any weight if you let them, if you never do then they never will.  I expect, demand and will settle for nothing less then respect from everyone I deal with (my son excluded, he gets a pass on some of this because I would die for him, so he doesn't count).  But everyone else I don't take **** from, before, after or ever.  They didn't change you did.  Learn from it.