So, I am visiting my family for the holiday. I haven't been here since July and that was only to get my stuff and move to Sacramento. My youngest sister hadn't seen me in a while. She has gained quite a bit of weight since her second pregnancy and also from poor food choices I see her make. She is attending a weight loss surgery seminar at kaiser next week. Anyways, the first words out of her mouth when she saw me were " you look amazing!" Followed by " I guess I am the fat sister now". That kind of hurt, one because she refers to herself in such a fat shaming, negative way that I feel makes her overweight 4 yr old daughter feel bad about herself and also that I was the fat sister and nothing else. That had always been my role. The way my sisters thought of me when they looked at me and saw nothing else about me besides me being the fat one. I just wish they would have seen more of me than just my size over the years, that I am the funny, loving, caring, sweet, sassy person that I have always been.

Also, my nephew is 7 and also hasn't seen me since July . On 2 separate occasions since I have been here he has told me I look old and that I am still a chunky monkey ( his exact words). I told him I have lost a lot of weight since it saw him last, like 3 of him. He just smiled and drank his hot chocolate. Damn kids!

I wouldn't expect a 7 year old to have "tact".  

Have you ever thought your nephew is a "mean kid" and is deliberating doing that to "get you going"?

Dont think that kids dont know how to antagonize/be mean to adults.  In hyenas, female cubs are BORN outranking their fathers.  They pick on their father mercilessly and he HAS to take it because he is lowest on the social totem pole.

 

Hmmm..sounds like there is a lot in your family interactions. Perhaps they are angry that you are "moving up" and away from whatever roles they set for you.

 

My Mom sounds similar to your sister. Never mind that I got a Ph.D. Never mind that I post-doc'ed at THE MAYO CLINIC.  All she could say was that I was "F.A.T" (yep..she would spell it) and that "no guy would ever want me" (yep. really) and that when she was old she was going to "come live with me because I would be single"

 

Like I exist purely for her comfort and convenience.

 

She has had several shocks where I have managed to get engaged TWICE.  That she was mean to me, my husband to be, and his mom (yep..she referred to my FMIL as "That *****" no less than 3 times), holds no bearing and she was quite upset when my husband to be told her "No. When you are old you will NOT be living with us".  She cant figure out WHY...

 

Seriously, have you seen Downton Abbey where the family is kind of shocked that Lady Edith has a bf?  Lady Cora says something like "I just figured that Lady Edith would be staying with us in our old age."

 

Sounds like your family had some roles/plans for you and as you grow and gain confidence, you may be breaking out of them and now they say crap like this to verbally "put you in your spot"

I say, "Keep losing weight" keep being successful, living your life, and dont live by THEIR constraints.

 

 

I love your post.  I responded to this post as well.  And I have been through the same events.  It is really hard when family especially your mother treats you like that.  I hope that I will not only gain confidence in my work like I already have but also in my personal feelings about myself.  Everyone has flaws it is just sad that mine is always visible.  Finally through this surgery mine wont be visible anymore.  Big hugs to you.  I was told through this whole process it isn't the losing the weight that will be the hardest it is how others will treat you and how you will find yourself.  I truly do believe that. 

You are right-especially in how people treat you.

My fiancee loved me MO, proposed to me MO, did foodless dates with me MO because I requested it because I was weird about food and always on a diet. I couldnt enjoy being on a date AND eating with him at the same time.  When people ask him "I bet you really like how she looks now!" He just smiles and says "She looks...different."  He said that when I was MO and he saw pics of me from highschool, college, and part of grad school (my thin periods). He never said "What happened to make you so fat?"  I once tried to coax him into saying it and all he would say was that I looked "different" MO than when thin.  

 

My sister-loves me but is one of those people in which image is everything. She works hard to cultivate a perfect looking life for friends, colleagues, and facebook.  I think she was a bit embarrassed of me MO.  She now loves that we are the same size and is sending me some of her clothes for my Honeymoon since she recently took a tropical vacation and I will be doing a carribean cruise for my honeymoon.  Does she love me more or less? No. She loves me the same. She is just more happy to "own" me on FB now (rolls eyes).

 

On strangers-treat me way better. When MO..I dont think I got free anything. Now strangers come up to me and give me free: train tickets (a $12.00 value), wine, cookies (twice from subway..I would have appreciated those cookies pre-surgery because I dump now and now I have free cookies I cant eat unless I want to puke...which makes me looking for a red-shirt to give my cookies to), training at the gym (yep..I had to win TWO free PT sessions..now the trainers just give me advice for 1 hour and 20 minutes at a time).

 

My mom-well she wasnt happy with my weight before. I was F.A.T. then.  She ahs seen pics of me on the computer and has decided at 160 lbs that I was too thin and can stop losing weight.  I was a size 10 then.  I am an 8 now (at 151 lbs). It just goes to show.. you can make someone unhappy ALL of the time. And she has just decided in her head that she will not be happy with me and my weight FOREVER!  Well, that is her problem-NOT mine.  I like where I am, and what i can do (i.e. run up to 11 miles without stopping if the pace is slow enough).  I love that I can shop at normal stores and buy $159.00 dresses for $12.00 on the clearance racks.  I love being able to be a member of society again.

 

But it took a long time, to realize that peoples attitudes are THEIR attitudes and NOTHING I did wrong or right.  Maybe I conformed to their "rules"/preconceptions, but I didnt do it for them. I did it for me because I wasnt happy with my health (i.e. laboratory numbers/lack of ovulation) and physical abilities and the way I looked (pretty clothes never looked that pretty on me when MO..now they look BETTER on me than on the hanger!!).   I like being able to run outside and see beautiful nature (something I couldnt do before).  

 

So-I have learned to take people at face value. They have their problems/attitudes/preconceptions and it is generated by them, for them, and it is ON THEM.  Granted it is harder when it is your family.  I often find myself WISHING that my Mom would change, but I cant change her. Only she can change herself. I can point out how it hurts me, and does she realize what she just did.  I have, and she is not a reflective person. She is a defensive person that justifies and she has maintained the behavior.  It initially hurt worse because I pointed problem out to her, and she chose not to apologize or change..but then I realized again it is ON HER. How sad it must be to be so small that one would deliberately seek to hurt others/continue saying mean things and JUSTIFY IT, rather than choosing to grow and being more supportive and kind.

Again-her small-mindedness and my choosing not to let it get me down.

My wish for all of us on this forum is to find more peace..especially during the holidays

Perhaps tell you nephew that it is bad manners to say mean things about other people and that it can hurt peoples feelings.  Other than that try not to worry. I work with troubled teens and get called all kinds of things like whale and fat %$#@.  If I took everything personal I would have been a wreck by now.  

It sounds like you are letting your family dictate 'your' role.  You have to dictate your role not them. :)  You have already done an amazing thing for yourself don't let them peg you into a round hole if you're truly a square peg. 

Sisters can be so not nice sometimes.She wasn't putting you down.She was really feeling bad about herself. I am sure she was shocked when she saw you.

I hate the word fat.I used it numerous times about myself. I try not to use it when my kids call my middle dog fat I tell them they are not allowed to call her that. 

Hopefully she will get the help with having surgery as a tool to help her lose weight. Also to eat healthier so her daughter will be healthier. 

Family is not always easy to deal with.But you have made the steps to change your life.Don't get caught up in the thoughts in your head about yourself before surgery.

Take care

Honestly?  I'd have a talk with your sister, in private.  And tell her, "hey, it makes me really sad when you put yourself down like that, especially in front of your daughter." Etc, etc.  I think the only way some people realize that they're using really harmful language is if someone explains it to them in a kind, caring, and loving way.  

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. Moving away from my dysfunctional family has kind of left me without a sense of identity. I am finding out who I truly am and that is not part of their cycle of madness. Working on myself and making a life for myself. There are so many things that I can do now that I have lost so much weight. Putting negativity behind me. Thank God I only have to see them a few times a year lol