Loaded Question about Relationships/Marrage

I'll keep this simple. I guess this is a vet question. Curious if your relationship was strong in your marriage, but the weight over time caused friendship and relationship issues, does it somewhat or completely rebound after WLS? If it did, did it require intervention (counseling)? And I'm not talking the sex stuff. I'm just curious. Today's question in the menu thread got me thinking about things and I wonder if I need to be proactive about getting help to rebuild things. I firmly believe I can rebuild things based on the strength of the underlying relationship. But I don't want to delude myself. If this requires professional help, I don't want to be in denial that the frustration I caused fades away naturally after the weight is gone. Thanks

Seek help. I saw dramatic changes in my attitude and my ways of responding to my wife. While the surgery did not change my eating habits the weight loss changed how I dealt with others.

Good Morning! Although I don't consider myself a vet I thought I would share my thoughts. I think the most important part of any relationship is being able to communicate with one another (whether it's a spouse/sibling/friend/parent) openly and honestly. In my opinion, I think it might be a good idea to at least have one session with a professional to make sure your wife knows where your head is and what your goals are for your relationship. Does that make sense? Did you have to have an appt for a psych evaluation prior to your surgery? I ask because you might be able to meet with them even after surgery.

I was just thinking that. I loved the guy who did the eval. I've been thinking I need to engage him in general about my weight loss journey. Nothing wrong with doing that and maybe adding my wife session 2 forward for awhile. I'll work that out with him. Thanks. Good idea! But still curious if others found that things return on their own or only after intervention. I'm hopeful there is a mix of both and not only intervention. I'm a romantic and believe love always wins out. But I do think my question is a good one. Does love after weight loss surgery also need a surgeon to be the most successful?

I recommend NOT having your partner see a therapist you're already seeing - that can very easily turn into someone feeling like they're being ganged up on. What I recommend instead, if you're both willing to work on your relationship, is that you both see therapists in the same practice and then have some group sessions with all four of you together. This will ensure that you both feel like you have an advocate and mediation in the process.

Alan, I'm gonna be frank here, I hope I'm not out of line. More than once you have posted something that made me think your marriage was having issues. A comment here, a question there. I don't remember specifics, I just remember early on reading something early on that made me notice that, and I have seen it confirmed a couple of times. I'm not doubting that your commitment, or hers, is strong, I couldn't possibly judge that. I'm just saying that yes, I think you should be proactive. Don't wait for things to get better. Blessings.

Thanks, but I think you are confusing the issues her friends caused, more than anything in the relationship structure. The only issue was the few weeks I was fast on the trigger with frustration - totally unrelated to her. We talked about this together and came to the understanding that if I do get mad - just give me 5 minutes and know its nothing she has done. It has been working great after we talked about the causes. Don't take a few weeks and make it out to be a long term problem. That problem is about 90% past tense. I started exercising and now I'm much less "quick to frustration." This is more the lingering question of - if you love me, why did you put me through this and not control your weight. Not an easy answer for anyone I think. But I hear what you are saying. I'm going to reach out to the psychologist today to start things a month or two earlier than I planned to address what I see and maybe even what I'm not seeing.

If I recall your past posting- i would seek help. My relationship with DH has changed, almost all for the better. But there are times I do not react the way I need to for him and I'm looking to change that. I'm not as patient and kind as I need to be and I have to consider active listening before speaking. I've also started reading the 5 love languages book.

Definitely some similarity here - thanks.

Disclaimer: I am not a vet (only 3 years out) and I haven't read the menu thread --

I have been with my husband for 20 years. I'd like to think that we have a very strong relationship built on love and friendship. My husband is a naturally thin and athletic person.

I have no idea what I would have been "naturally" -- because my food addiction brought me to a weight of over 350 pounds. I was always fat --- but at least 120 of those pounds occurred over the course of our relationship -- and during that time, I became progressively less active and less able to be a real and completely contributing partner. My health declined, I was more tired and I had less desire/ability to actually do things -- other than going out to eat.

Still, my husband never actively complained or cajoled me about my weight. In fact, I think he was somehow in denial -- it was like he didn't really see how big I had gotten. He just loved me, but didn't enable me, either. He was terrified when I had surgery that I would die. It took a lot of strength for me to put his fears aside and do what I knew was right.

My program makes a big deal pre-surgery about relationships and marriages. The divorce rate after WLS is quite significant. In my personal experience, WLS tends to make troubled marriages worse and strong marriages stronger. I've been lucky in that I think my marriage has become even stronger. My ability to do more physically (like join him on hike, dance at weddings, etc) and literally fitting places better (like planes, booths, rides at amusement parks, etc) -- has made things more fun and exciting again. More, my health is so much improved -- and that is an important part of being someone's life partner. It sort of sucks if your life partner is putting food before actually spending a LIFEtime with you.

So, I guess my answer to you would be this: if you are already struggling or having issues -- I wouldn't depend on WLS or loss to fix it. I would address it. However, if you aren't having any issues, I wouldn't assume that WLS will create them.

Also, if you do decide to seek help, be sure to choose a counselor that is new for both of you. Nothing sucks worse than feeling like you aren't being heard because the counselor is yours or somehow on your side.

I hope this is of some help.