Husband doesn't want me to have surgery...

march09
on 3/29/17 1:05 pm, edited 3/29/17 4:10 pm

Hi All,

I am new on this site, just looking for some support. I had my Orientation on Dec 2016 and a few appointments since then.

After 15 years of trying to lose weight, I truly feel the surgery is my last hope. But my husband is not supportive. He doesn't want me to have surgery, still thinks that if I could just exercise every day I could lose the weight and keep it off... On the other side, he is nagging me about my weight every single day for the past 10 years. He wants me to lose weight just not through surgery. Any suggestion on how to convince him to have an open mind? I was thinking of bringing him to the meetings at TWH on the first Wednesday of the month, not sure if he wants to come with me.

Meanwhile, I have a good friend who I can talk to about this journey, it helps a lot... But it's hard without support at home.

Thanks

Nikitabanana
on 3/29/17 2:23 pm
RNY on 05/25/16

You will likely get a lot of different opinions on this. Usually if your spouse isn't supportive it's either because they are afraid of the unknown (how will surgery change you? will you survive? etc) and what if she gets thin and leaves me. Sorry I'm just being blunt and this is just my opinion.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want you to have surgery? If he simply thinks you can do it on your own I'm not really buying that. It doesn't make sense and there's likely an underlying reason. Why would you do something so drastic such as surgery if you could do it on your own? I had to compare my food addiction to my husbands smoking but explained to him that I still need to eat so I can't just abstain from my addiction and also my addiction is visible for the world to judge (unlike other addictions where you can do them in private and perhaps no one will know). He seemed more empathetic then and seemed to understand - he's never had a weight issue other than 10-20 lbs overweight.

Sometimes we have to do things for ourselves and not others. I had to have the talk with my hubby and reassured him that this is for my health and I needed his support. He is now on board but I'm 10 months post op and he's been super supportive and has lost weight himself.

Sadly, some relationships don't last post op. It will be up to you ultimately and it's a tough situation to be in. My only advice it that you have to take care of yourself and your health and if you want to have surgery then perhaps try talking to him, inviting him to appointments or go to counselling together. If that doesn't work you may have to part ways. He will regret it later - I promise

Good luck on your journey!

Referral sent: 1/26/15 / Sleep study: 2/23/15 / Orientation: 4/20/15 HRRH / Meet Dr. Hagen: 11/17/15 (no show) / Meet Dr. Klein: 12/10/15 / Trio appointments: 2/11/16 / Follow up appointment SW and RD: 3/16/16 / Dr. Glazer: 3/30/16 / Dr. Klein: 5/9/16 / Surgery date 5/25/16 / LBL with Dr. Nandagopal 3/9/18 - PS SW 155

HW - 280. Opti start - 280. Surgery day - 266. CW - 142.

White Dove
on 3/29/17 2:35 pm - Warren, OH

My husband went to the support groups and surgeon appointments with me.

Real life begins where your comfort zone ends

(deactivated member)
on 3/29/17 2:42 pm

To nag you about your weight is not right. I'm sorry he treats you this way. I know you know it is not right. No one should say anything about your weight. I can see him being concerned.

My husband did not want me to have WLS. He was worried I was going to die. I showed him pictures of people from this website. I also made sure I put my foot down and said I am doing this either with you or without you.

You need to do this for you. Not anyone else. I feel so much better. Even with the other crap I have gone through.

My life is so much better. We really have to be our own cheerleader.

It is hard sometimes. Coming here does help. There are a lot of people *****ally want us to do well with WLS.

Life is not always easy. It can throw us some major curve balls. Talking with a therapist may help you with this life changer also.

Just remember you should be treated with respect and love.

Terri Ott Norris
on 3/29/17 2:42 pm - Livermore, CA
RNY on 07/18/17

Not sure what your health issues are-see if we do not use this 'tool' (just like dieting is a tool) when we are experiencing significant health issues, then our health will continue to decline until our body's give out.

If he is concerned about you making it thru surgery....well in some cases if surgery is NOT done-you might not make it thru life. So either way, you are taking a chance, what he needs to understand is that by choosing surgery you are CHOOSING life. You are just choosing to use this as a tool as opposed to diet programs. And you can assure him, you WILL need to exercise every day-this is NOT the easy way out.

I personally have had family experiences with the surgery, and I STILL believe in this tool with all my heart-especially if you have tried on your own for so very long.

You will need his support-and if you keep him educated, take him to the meetings/appointments then he can ask any questions that he may have. Hopefully his fear/anxiety will lessen with more knowledge.

KNOWLEDGE=POWER...

Good Luck-

T.

Have a Blessed Day....

BLOG: www.sweattodaysmiletomorrowcom.wordpress.com

Just Ducky - The
Meditative Hag

on 3/29/17 4:31 pm - Belleville, IL

No disrespect to your husband/Partner but HE isn't the one struggling with the physical pain of being severely overweight. If he TOO is obese, he may be an enabler...It really comes down to what do YOU want? I have been married for over 34 years and could NEVER see "TELLING" my husband what to do, nor he I...We are best friends and confidants. Perhaps your husband is worried you will "Leave him" in which case Mental Health Issues are called for. (With all due respect).

Warmly,

Jackie

   
    
Oxford Comma Hag
on 3/29/17 4:55 pm

Have you asked him why he doesn't want you to have surgery? He could be fearful, or he could really not understand that for those of us obese enough to qualify for WLS, it isn't a matter of just eating a little less and exercising.

My own husband wasn't 100% on board at first, but it didn't matter. It isn't that he wasn't supportive; it is that he seemed skeptical of surgery as being effective in the long run. Now, though, he sees surgery was a positive thing for me; however, I would have had surgery whether or not he approved. I knew that my weight was slowly killing me and I was ready and willing to finally get my **** together.

Maybe he could go with you for your consultation with the surgeon. There are so many stories of WLS failures and so much misinformation that he may not have a good understanding of the process.

I fight badgers with spoons.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Suicidepreventionlifeline.org

princessjess73
on 3/29/17 5:24 pm - Lees Summit, MO

My husband did not want me to have surgery but was never nagging about my weight. I did it anyway and I honestly wish I had not. I ended up with so many complications that I nearly died this week. I regret it every day.

cheapskate
on 4/6/17 8:35 am
RNY on 03/30/15

I live very close to you if you need local support

Gwen M.
on 3/29/17 5:37 pm
VSG on 03/13/14

Hi and welcome. I'm glad you found us.

I hate to say this, but your husband is not on Team You and there might be no way to convince him to join Team You. In fact, once you lose weight, he might likely find other things to nag you about and try to control - please be prepared for that possibility.

I think there are a few things you should do in this situation.

1) Yes, definitely try to get him to go to some meetings with you. That might help expand his mind a bit.

2) Find yourself a therapist. Not only will it help with the WLS stuff because, as you'll read here over and over again, the surgery is on your stomach, not your brain. But also to help you navigate your relationship. Someone who constantly nags you about your weight but then wants to control the manner in which you try to change it.... that's a lot of red flags. Therapy will help you to build a better Team You.

3) Suggest couples' therapy to your husband. (This would ideally be with a second therapist, not YOUR therapist.)

VSG with Dr. Salameh - 3/13/2014
Diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and started Vyvanse - 7/22/2016
Reconstructive Surgeries with Dr. Michaels - 6/5/2017 (LBL & brachioplasty), 8/14/2017 (UBL & mastopexy), 11/6/2017 (medial leg lift)

Age 42 Height 5'4" HW 319 (1/3/2014) SW 293 (3/13/2014) CW 149 (7/16/2017)
Next Goal 145 - normal BMI | Total Weight Lost 170

TrendWeight | Food Blog (sort of functional) | Journal (down for maintenance)

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