My husband isn't so sure and he's my most important support

Miranda S.
on 12/12/17 1:12 pm, edited 12/13/17 8:19 am

I've been working on getting this surgery since may 5th. I've met all of the requirements, I just have to finish my psych evaluation this Thursday and go to a support group meeting. But my husband came to me last night telling me that he's not sure it's the best thing, he's worried about complications after surgery, he's been talking to other people who've been giving him stories of people they know that have had surgery and what problems they've had. He's worried and doesn't understand my need to have surgery. I know this surgery is what's right for me, but I want him to understand and be able to support me fully and not just say I support you but I'm not sure if I agree with it. What are your reasons why this was the best decision you've made? How much has life improved? Any negative side effects that make you second guess your decision?

H.A.L.A B.
on 12/12/17 2:54 pm

The surgery, any surgery - can have complications. And there are side effects. Some can be long term.

Things can happen. Once they do - you need to be ready and deal with that.

I was single when I had my RNY - I had friends as a support network. Some of them did not wanted me to have the surgery, but they were there for me after. I never felt like I needed to convince them to agree with me - I just needed to be there for me when needed.

a year ago I had a face lift. My BF did not think I needed it. But - he understood that it was an important step for me. He was very supporting. He was there for me in the hospital, at home to help me with with anything and everything. I did not need him to tell me I needed it,I needed him to be there for me - no matter what during and after. Complications or not. (thankfully I had no complications).

As long as he is there to support you when yo need - YOU need to make sure it is what YOU want.

And to make sure he is not a guy that if something goes wrong will tell you "I TOLD YOU SO".

You need his love and support even if he does not agree with you. That is a sign of a good relationship.

Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG

"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"

"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."

Miranda S.
on 12/12/17 4:34 pm

Yea I agree that it's my decision, it just bothers me that everything he has a worry or problem about is from either lack of knowledge or advice from ppl that didn't do what they were supposed to after surgery. If you survive off of two cheese puffs per meal of course you're going to have health problems. If you don't take your vitamins and supplements of course you're going to be deficient and possibly have bone problems.

H.A.L.A B.
on 12/12/17 7:01 pm

"...either lack of knowledge or advice from ppl that didn't do what they were supposed to after surgery..."

see, I wish things were as simple as that. Something things happen even when we know better and follow the directions of the doctor, nutritional team, even veterans that live the post-op life. I don't want to scare you, just be realistic. Be prepared for the worst, expect the best.

a simple example is the iron - a lot of people post op RNY or other WLS can become iron deficient even when they take supplements. My body simply does not absorb the oral iron. I needed iron infusions. So far in the last 9 years post op I had 3 series. (4 infusions each time) and that post menopausal. And it feel I would need another one next year.

But there are also a lot of people who can maintain their iron levels with just oral supplementation.

Hernia - internal hernia, or scar tissue that can affect our insides can happen and does happen regardless of person following procedures.

Hala. RNY 5/14/2008; Happy At Goal =HAG

"I can eat or do anything I want to - as long as I am willing to deal with the consequences"

"Failure is not falling down, It is not getting up once you fell... So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again...."

Sheila_H
on 12/12/17 3:17 pm - Central Coast, CA
RNY on 06/26/17

I'm a relative newbie at this (5 months post up) as I'm sure the vets will have real words of wisdom for you...so take what I am saying with a grain of salt.
What you are planning to do and having been approved by insurance, is to prevent major health complications down the road. If you stay the course who knows where you'll end up in 10-15 years. I didn't have health complications "yet" but the dr told me in about 10 years I would have diabetes, high cholesterol, joint pains etc etc.
So the way I approached my husband was "I have made my decision and the drs (the real people who know what's going on) have given me their green light. I am not asking for your permission or opinion but I would appreciate your support". In other words I'm not asking for a layman opinion because the expert has already told me if I don't do this I might end up in a worse situation. Of course he was worried about the surgery complications, who is not? But when he saw the record of the surgeon, how many surgeries he had done and got some reassurances from him he was good to go.
The main thing for me was to have his moral support and not sabotaging me. That's all I needed. And believe me once he sees you happy and on your way to become a healthier you he'll be fully on board. But the first steps need to be taken by you. If you are 100% sure, nobody will/can stop you.
Good luck!

SW:261 6/26/17 GW:150 10/6/18

CW: 151

PGW: 140-142

Miranda S.
on 12/12/17 4:12 pm, edited 12/12/17 9:03 am

I LOVE your input, it really hit exactly what I was having a hard time with as far as explaining to him how I know it's the best decision. The drs have been leaning towards this for three years, they know all of my health problems, they know what's causing them and what's best for me health wise. This is something that all of my drs agree is a good decision for my health, not just the ones who profit from it. Thank you so much!

hollykim
on 12/13/17 7:18 am - Nashville, TN
Revision on 03/18/15
On December 13, 2017 at 12:12 AM Pacific Time, Simmons8976 wrote:

I LOVE your input, it really hit exactly what I was having a hard time with as far as explaining to him how I know it's the best decision. The drs have been leaning towards this for three years, they know all of my health problems, they know what's causing them and what's best for me health wise. This is something that all of my drs agree is a good decision for my health, not just the ones who profit from it. Thank you so much!

ask your husband if he would feel the same way if you were having a heart surgery. Would he listen to all the bad stories ppl have about heart surgery complications,cause there are potential problems with ANY surgery,and tell you not to do it?

If you developed breast cancer, would he tell you not to have a mastectomy to try to stop the spread of the cancer? I don't think so.

Would he encourage you not to have a life saving heart surgery because of possible complications?

Gastric bypass is a life saving surgery. Complications from morbid obesity are a huge killer in this country. gastric bypass is a medical procedure to fix what is wrong with your Stomach that makes you morbidly obese. It also changes the metabolic process in the stomach. If is a life long correction to the disease of morbid obesity.

That is what I would tell my husband and I would then expect his support. If he couldn't then give his support,I would proceed with a life changing medical procedure that all my doctors had recommended for me.

 


          

 

paperhatmelon
on 12/12/17 6:24 pm

Sorry, this might be off topic a little bit but did your husband go to the initial consult or did you set up a second one so he could ask questions of your surgeon?

Sheila_H
on 12/12/17 7:24 pm - Central Coast, CA
RNY on 06/26/17

He went to one my last pre-op appts. As I said I had already made my decision, this was just for him to be more informed. Each couple and their dynamic is different...this is what worked for us. To this day he says he was totally scared when I went "under the knife" but he is so happy with my progress. He says he is having his wife back. Because when I was heavier, I was disappointed in myself, I was becoming more and more introvert not wanting to meet new people and just not wanting to do anything.

SW:261 6/26/17 GW:150 10/6/18

CW: 151

PGW: 140-142

Miranda S.
on 12/13/17 8:00 am

No, but I asked him yesterday if he would go with me to an appointment or support group meeting and he said he would. I think if he talked to my surgeon it would ease his mind about it. He's just worried and doesn't understand.

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