Okay, here's the deal.

I have been up for an hour. It's 7 am. Not very interesting except that I went to bed at 3 am. I should be asleep.

But I am not. This happens more and more often lately-- I wake up early and can't get back to sleep. And I can't take naps. And the first thought in my head is, "What can I eat today?" The second thought in my head is, "Oh hell, I can't start eating already, I'll never make it until bedtime."

True story-- Saturday morning I woke up at 6 am at SigOt's house. Starving, maybe in my head, maybe somewhere else, I don't know. So I decided I would go for a walk- get away from the fridge AND the bed, get some air.

On that morning, the newspaper boy apparently delivered samples with the newspaper. Every driveway had a bag with Fiber One cereal and a Fiber One bar in it.

So anyway, I'm out there on my walk, trying to avoid food, and literally stepping over it every thirty feet. So I did what any complete nutcase would do-- I started to cry.

But I kept walking-- to a convenience store. I figured when I got there I'd get a bottle of Propel-- maybe I was just thirsty. By the time I got there I was famished.

So I tried to do damage control-- find something very small to hold me over with some protein. Read about 200 labels. Finally discovered-- much to my chagrin-- Hanna Montana Bars-- 70 cals, 5 protein. In comeplete and utter shame (not because of the eating, but because I loathe that whole Disney franchise) I bought it and loved it. For about ten minutes I felt better.

Then I went back home, woke up the Sig Ot, and told him we were going out for eggs. I had two, with ham, and toast (which I never have) and was finally actually sated. But because I started out eating so early I still ended up going about 70 calories over my plan for the day (damn you Mylie Cyrus!)

That night, we went for a walk-- usually I do that with this awesome spring in my step--- but this time, I asked SigOt if we could cut it short. I was exhausted after about a mile, couldn't talk-- just washed out. Had almost no sleep, literally ran around all day (7 hours of shopping and yard sales) and was beat.
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I can't tell if the hunger is in my stomach or my head. I don't trust it. I do know that while eating several small snacks a day has helped me keep balanced levels, the result is that I am almost never sated or full. I have only felt the limits of my pouch once in a year-- for as much as I use it I might as well rent the damn thing out.

My nutritionists both said that by a year out I should probably be around 1000 calories. I'm at a loose 900-- I eat samples at the store, occasionally add a condiment I don't count, etc-- many days it's probably closer to 1000.

I figure I could safely up it to 1000, but I am absoluterly terrified to do it, because in the last month, I've finally really slowed up-- maybe lost 2-3 pounds (mostly because last month I lost 40, I know!) and I want to extend my window. While I don't have a goal, per se, I still have a lot of fat in my belly and legs (I am losing from the top down) and I'd like it outta here.

So basically, what I am telling y'all is this. I am really scared that it takes more and more to sate me. Where does it end? Will it end? Will I be able to say "Enough already" at some point? I just don't trust this body to tell me what I need to know-- it's so betrayed me in the past, and hunger now isn't a growly stomach, just a strong want-- and I am not sure where it's coming from.-- lack of nutrition? In my head? Does it come from da debbil?

I made it through most of the summer by not starting to eat until well after noon. I know that's stupid, but I did it to survive the long summer here at home-- it used to be my primary occupation-- I grazed my summers away with impunity, and I miss that sometimes. When I start eating later, I can get in some snacks, and it makes me feel better.

In any case, I am drinking a bunch of tea as I type, hoping that'll fill me a while. Plan B is the Hannah Montana bar again-- I bought stock in these damn things, I swear. Maybe yogurt.  But then the afternoon will be looooong and snackless...and....

Did I mention that I have a wacky head?

Though my calorie intake is higher than yours, I am going through the same thing. I still weigh and measure everything. I still food journal daily. I have begrudgingly increased my calories, afraid that I will regain...or my body will adapt to the new levels and start with the chronic hunger again. I am constantly afraid that these bouts with being unsatisfied (I'm usually pretty satisfied these days), unfull (which I am, most of the time...my measured portions do not fill me up but they DO satisfy me) will just continue.

This, this is the hard work I think of being further out...and we're so very early in the further out stages. We have a lifetime ahead of us. It's work. Make no mistake about it. It's about diligence in our minds and in our habits. It's about that constant awareness to determine if it's real hunger, head hunger, or something else. It's about learning to accept that we're not always going to do this perfectly, but that doesn't mean we're going to go into a downward spiral like we always have in the past. We have more armor to help us in the battle than we have ever had before. We just have to remember to use it.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I do think you would feel physically better with more nutrition in your body. It needs it. You will continue to lose. It will slow down. It's supposed to. It's not a race to get "there" because "there" is where you already are...healthier.

On the practical side...why not eat in the morning first thing if you ARE hungry? I mean, your body hasn't had any intake in at least what, 7 or 8 hours? It is NORMAL to be hungry after that long of a stretch. You'll be surprised at how, accommodating those needs early actually helps ward off some of the other hungries of the day. You didn't make bad choices. You  made good choices to meet the needs of your body. You will be breaking new ground in learning to trust some of those signals. It's something that you will likely spend the rest of your life working on...no better time than the present to start trying.

I think I am going to book mark this so that when I am a year out I can come back and read this.  I am pre-op so take this for what its worth.....

I wonder if by trying to ward off food in the morning....your setting yourself up for issues.  I would think that if you did something on plan that was high protien early on---maybe your head would quiet down some?  Move that breakfast back from noon time to 9am---then snack at noon and move your lunch to the afternoon?  Just a thought.  You know what they say about breakfast---jumpstarts the metabolism, statistics say those that eat breakfast tend to have a lower overall calorie intake, less likely to graze in evening etc....

I would imagine that I will definately NOT trust my body either......and I do think that da debbil has a LOT of influence here! 

I will sit back and see what others say.  You are brave to be honest here and I appreciate it!
Michelle

Don't just mark it, print it out, do you hear me PRINT IT OUT and make a 3 ring binder, I did and it is full of marks and comments and on my desk with all my labs and doctors stuff in it too!

AB

Did you really lose 40 in one month? And being all most a year out!!!!! WOW. Anyway, I think most of us "think" too much. At least thats what I say to myself. I get so nervous about loosing control on my eating. Try not to think about food. I actually skip a lot of post on this board  I see if it has something to do about food. Seems some days, that is all everyone wants to talk about. It makes me hungry to read about the blasted ice cream, etc. Love the idea's but enough is enough. I think your doing the best thing by getting out and doing other things besides looking and thinking about food. It is a real head game this journey of ours. Hang in there.

I had major surgery last month-- gained 15 pounds of water weight, then lost 40-- all within three weeks' time---it was completely crazy. Since then everything's been off...losing nothing, no energy, my poor body's all messed up-- and it was all easy before. :(

Maybe the resent surgery has made you restless. You'll be ok. Hugs!!!!

You are definitely not alone. I am in a constant dialogue with myself lately about these very issues. I've been dealing with a lot of hunger (unsure if it's head or actual) for the last few months. Like you, I've also been holding off on starting food until around noon time. I have  coffee and lots of water up until then. But, it's becoming self-defeating because then the rest of the day I feel "entitled" to graze more because I skipped breakfast. I think I need to switch things up and add a real breakfast back in.

I rarely feel totally full, and when I do it doesn't last too long. I'm quickly approaching my one year surgiversary, and I'm feeling like if it's this tough now, how will I go on like this for the rest of my hopefully long life. Each day I am more convinced that I am going to be one of the failures of this surgery.

I vowed that this was my last resort, and I would make it work no matter what. Now, I feel like I was fooling myself. Old habits are creeping back into my life fast and furious. It's really sad to completely understand how much of an addiction food really was (and is). I have a newfound understanding and compassion for alcoholics and drug addicts. I guess this WLS journey is going to be a process taken day by day. Some days will be better than others. Hopefully, my strict exercise regime will help keep me on track. I know it's the one reason I haven't started to gain weight back.

I didn't go into this surgery blind. I knew it was not a "magic bullet." However, I obviously didn't comprehend how truly difficult it was going to be. When I read other posters saying they are never hungry and wish they didn't have to eat, I am so jealous. Why didn't that happen to me after my surgery? Did my surgeon fail me, or my own head? Whatever the cause, I must accept and deal with the hand that was dealt to me.

It's all we CAN do!

I don't have the grazing problem-- I eat what I plan, and never outside of that, and I still measure and log everything--- well, until last night when I got it in my head that I needed the Tupperware container that the last 1/4 cup of my pumpkin fluff was in, and I was starving-- and "What the hell, I need to up the cals anyway"....and yep, I ate it. Not sure what to make of that.

Shari,
You are human, after all. WE all sometimes stray from our eating plans. You guys would croak if you knew that at 5 years post op I am hardly ever hungry. But I eat what I want to eat, and I don't deny myself. If I really wnt something ( cake, ice cream, donuts, etc) I will have some. I don't journal my food. I don't count calories. I do count liquids and protein.
DISCLAIMER: I am not condoning the eating of junk for RNY patients. I wih I had never tested those waters, but I did.
I am also 125-130 pounds on a good day. I am only 5'2" tall. So I am small, frail even at times.