I was at school the other day and was showing a photo in my phone to my lab partner.  The photos flipped back a couple and she spotted a photo I'd taken of the #s on the scale.  I'd hit a new low and was excited to mark it by taking a picture.  I never advertise my weight.  I'll say how much I've lost but I don't like to give the # that's on the scale.  I mean does it really matter to anyone but me?  I'm down 140 pounds from my top weight and feeling fantastic.  I still have about 15 to my goal but I'm cool with anywhere in between or staying where I am.  Anyway, she looked at the #, she looked at me and she just gave me that look.  The..."You must be lying because you look like a big fat cow compared to what the scale says" look.  Yeah I get it.  I don't look super thin.  I have skin that stretched over an additional 140 pounds.  It looks like big rolls of fat.  It isn't.  In the same 3 minute span another lab partner who was snapping a picture of us said, "oh don't you look cute with your little rabbit smile?..."  So now I'm fat and the flashbacks to being called "bucky beaver" all through school jumps up into my head.  I've spent nearly a week feeling down and out of sorts about it.  I'm getting back on track, but it just frustrates me that people and their opinion I don't give a flip about can cut so deeply still.  I'm working really hard to get the sassy back in my life. 

Just wanted to vent to people who might understand.  I'm nearing my 2-year mark and I guess I'm a little raw around the edges right now.  Working on the idea of adjusting to maintenance, getting my vitamin routine into a solid lifetime routine (school really wrecks havoc on that for some reason...that and eating enough), and getting more active.

Hope everyone is feeling good about themselves.  We're all awesome people no matter our size.

This is the day before surgery August 2, 2010



And this is me about 2 weeks ago 22 months after surgery and 15 from my goal (me on the left and my best friend on the right):



 

I've been so busy with school and life that I haven't spent much time on the boards in the last year or so.  I'll be 2 years out in August and am very close to goal.  I'm right on my personal target to meet my goal by 2 years out, so I'm very excited about that.  I've had a lot of NSV in the last couple of years.  I used to have trouble fitting behind the stearing wheel and had to leave the side arm up because I couldn't fit comfortably with it down and now I almost feel lost in the driver's seat.  I walk all over campus and even park at the back of the parking lot when I go shopping without even thinking about it.  This last weekend I went shopping and actually made a bee-line for the "medium" clothes.  The list of good things that have happened since surgery is long and wonderful.  This past weekend it really kind of hit me where I am now.  I don't stand out anywhere except with my sparkling personality.  I don't limit anything I do or try and people respond to my improved attitude about life and myself.  Still a work in progress and I'm sure I always will be.  Loving life!

Day before surgery

Yesterday:  21 months postop

Yes when I buy them I do usually get the Carb Balance ones because the total carb count is much lower than a regular tortilla.  I think the ones I get are about 11-13(?) compared to 21-23 for a regular tortilla.  Usually find myself picking the ingredients out and eating them and only half of my tortilla though.

I also have to keep in mind that my limit of non-veggie carbs in a meal is 15 g or my heart starts to race and I start to feel warm.  Not a feeling I like so I avoid it like the plague.  It's good that I know the limit so I never reach it.

I had RF ablation on both my legs a few years ago.  It was amazing!  It removes the pain signal but you retain complete feeling.  They did it from the knee down, so I have no idea of the risks further up the nerve chain.  That's definitely something to discuss with the pain management specialist.  A good one (and it's kind of hit or miss finding a good one) is worth his/her weight in gold.  I've also had several nerve block injections and a few steroid injections.  They were temporary at best.  The RF for me was a better and longer lasting result.

I'm going to drop back a little on my dosage but while the nurse seemed concerned, I was thrilled. We'll see how they look in a few months. Four years ago it was so low the lab couldn't detect it.  It was less than 4 and even with regular D3 it was never above 40. 

The doc said if I was in peri-menopause there's really no way to know how long it'll last.  I can't remember when my mom went through it.  I want to say she was 48 or 50, but that's just a guess.  

Woke up this morning determined to get as much nutrition and protein and water as I possibly can from now on out.  I've had 60 ounces of water, so that's a start.  Still need to work on eating though.

Oh my goodness.  Timely post.  I just asked my doctor yesterday if I should be tested for peri-menopause.  The last couple of months I've had hot flashes but didn't know it.  It dawned on me a week ago what they might be.  I had a hysterectomy 14 years ago and just have one ovary, but I did have 3 children.  I'm sort of afraid to look too much into all the "symptoms" of menopause because I'm afraid it'll depress me.  LOL  I'll be 44 in May.  I just don't feel old enough for this.  I have two friends that just celebrated their 40YO surprise babies 1st birthdays.

I'm 18 months out so no idea if my hair loss is still related to that, the fact that I'm really short on regular protein, or menopausal symptom.  And BTW why did no one tell me that my beautiful, incredibly long lashes would become these short stubby things that aren't even worth putting mascara on?

My doc suggested running an FSH to see what my levels are.  I told him to hold off for now since I'm just starting to be symtpomatic.  If it gets bothersome, I will test.

Most of the friends I have are friends I met in high school actually.  We've been friends for 30 years.  After those awkward teen years, it's all downhill from there.  LOL  I know they're true friends because even after having not seen each other for years (I've managed to fall off the planet a few times since high school) we pick up right where we left off and just keep moving forward.  I have other friends I've met through school and work over the years too.  I've been looking at joining a book club too once I'm out of school (I graduate next May).  I think it's a great way to meet people with similar interests.  I'm also going to up my volunteering as well once I graduate.  Giving to others brings so much joy to my heart and you meet so many wonderful people who have their own stories and lives to share.  

I made the mistake of believing the stories that you shouldn't buy to many clothes because they wouldn't fit for more than a month and that the weight would just melt off.  That may be true for some, but the weight loss is extremely individual.  I had a big jump right in the first month and then slowly trickled the rest off (still in progress now) over the year.  Nothing spectacular but it all added up.  I was down 75 in six months and 100 by a year out.  I'm down another 25 since then and hoping to work the rest of it off by my 2 year surgiversary. 

THEY DO!  I love it too.  Just an extra 50c for a scoop and you don't even notice it's there.

First day of spring break and Texas gets a random cold front and thunderstorms, so it's 43 and dreary.  Once again, I managed to miss breakfast so for today so my meals started at noon and I've had:

B: turkey chili with WW Mexican cheese
S: Starbucks Chai Latte with 1 scoop vanilla protein (girl needs to keep up her strength while grocery shopping)
L:  Beef tips with portabello mushrooms and mashed potatoes
S:  ??
D:  ??  Grilled veggies and maybe Quorn meatballs?

Most of the ones I've been to have been great at walking me through an order!  I love a chai latte with a scoop of vanilla protein tossed in.  Have to watch them though because sometimes they won't add it right and you'll end up with cottage cheese instead.  But that's only happened a couple of times and they've always fixed it for me when it's happened.  It's cold and rainy right now and I wish I could get someone to go get me one right now.  LOL

They also have a spinach, egg white wrap that's too die for!  Unfortunately they don't sell half orders, but that leaves plenty for later.