- HEALTH TRACKER
well, over one week and a half has passed already. im amazed at how fast she has recovered. she has walked a lot, but strangely she is complaining that her back is hurting, which i believe might be where they injected her with something before the surgery took place. she has also lost 24 punds since the surgery. i'm trying my hardest to be supportive to her even though im still in shock that she did it. sorry, but im a big chicken when it comes to doctors, hospitals, and don't even mention surgery to me. I really hope that this goes far enough to make her life happier and more comfortable. She still has to adjust to it because I think that she still eats with her eyes and doesnt realize that she cant eat as much anymore, even though she never was a big eater. just had a sweet tooth!
I hope this isn't interpreted as an invasion into "the other side" by "one who's been there", but I'm someone who had the sleeve done about 2.5 months ago and feel compelled to share some thoughts. I saw this forum for spouses and thought it was a super idea, because for those of us who do have WLS, it does affect our spouses, family and friends. I'm glad you're reaching out.
All that said, it's hard for me to organize thoughts because I see so many emotions and thoughts in your original post that I would like to address. So....forgive the spewing, but here are all of the thoughts I'd like to share for you to ponder, in no particular order.
1) you are like my husband, and many other husbands, who seem to love their wives unconditionally and weight is not necessarily "seen". That is a super trait. But believe me, we as overweight people (women especially), see our own weight every waking hour and it can become taxing emotionally. It's horrible, and we do it to ourselves, but it's reality. This surgery is for health - both physical and emotional.
2) you mentioned being horrified at the surgery and wonder why she would do that to herself, risking her health and going through pain. Did you feel that way as you saw her gain weight and have comorbidities? My guess is not, but she was slowly killing herself or shortening her life and quality of life with you. None of us can deny the health risks associated with extra weight.
3) you mention how horrible she looked post-op, and the pain, sickness. I am not going to say it was easy. In fact, the initial few days were way worse than I ever imagined. I was relieved to see your later post that you have had some time to see just how steep of an incline that recovery curve is. And it truly is. I can attest 2.5 months out that the only reminder I have that I had surgery a while back is the simple fact that I get full on about 4 oz of food. And that's the point! I swear - no other symptoms or pain. She will get there, too, and quicker than you expect.
4) Know this - I have no regrets. Not a single shred of second-guessing the decision. I would bet next year's salary that your wife will not, either, when she is as far out as me.
5) the absolute best support I have is that of my husband. He is my exercise partner, he is my biggest cheerleader, and he is there to remind me that my progress is visible. On that topic, I'll tell you that if she is like many of us.....she may still look in the mirror after having lost 25 pounds and not see the progress. So the best thing you can do is help point it out to her - never blowing fluff, only genuine signs. My husband notices when he sees a collarbone (who knew I had those!), he notices when he sees jawbones, notices when my pants get too big.....all real, objective, measurable things that we who have been there sometimes miss seeing for ourselves unless it's pointed out.
I sure hope you don't feel this is intrusive to respond to your call to the spouse side....and if you want to hear my husband's thoughts (because I could only wish that everyone on this site has a spouse as supportive as mine), email me and I'll give you his email.
High Weight 255 (4/09) Decision Day Weight 238( 4/2/10) Surgery Weight 223 (4/19/10) Goal Weight 135
I understand you being scared. However to be honest she is doing this for HER and you have to respect and understand that. My husband is a thin guy so he didn't understand, he didn't understand me potentially putting my life on the line for what seemed like to him "cosmetic reasons". He wasn't as vocal about his issues with it as you, but he was really scared. He said he loved me no matter my size so why would I ever do something like this to myself. I'll tell you why I was not only willing to do it, but why i thank my lucky stars for being given this opportunity. In addition to having it because of all of my co-morb i had going on (borderline high blood pressure, borderline diabetes, sleep apnea, anxiety, gerd etc) which are a thing of the past now btw, but I had surgery beacause of how being so overweight made me feel. On the outside I was a confident person who had a lot going on for myself. On the inside I was an insecure mess. I avoided social interactions of all sorts. Even things such as sex ... I was self concious when my husband would touch me. Regardless of what my husband saw, or what other people said they saw, all i saw was the bad, all i saw was fat. So fast foward a year and everything is wonderful. I have more confidence than even I thought was possible. When you feel confident about yourself, it spills over into all areas of your life. My career has improved because I feel like I deserve the promotion and I am not afraid to put myself out there and have people look at me and discuss my potential. My marriage has improved because I am confident in myself so i no longer have to question what my husband thinks when he sees me naked. I really used to be at a point that I would internally roll my eyes when my husband said i was pretty because I just KNEW no one could think I was pretty at 280 pounds. Well I can tell you now looking back, my husband DID find me pretty, but I had to be at a point where I found myself pretty so I could appreciate it. I now like going out to dinner, I like taking out dogs for a walk. In a nutshell try your best to just give your support and try to keep your complaints to a minimum. She will need your support in the next few weeks and after that she is going to start feeling really good. Be there for her, be her cheerleader during this time because let me tell you we remember who was supportive of us, and who tried to hold us back. i know all of your intentions are good, but sometimes you have to do something for yourself, you know? As a wife you always put your needs and your wants on the back burner and take care of everyone else. For once your wife is doing something for herself so don't make her feel guilty about it, just support her. I wish you both the best of luck!